6 mts- Too long to be completely healed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
6 mts- Too long to be completely healed?
11
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 4:20pm

The hurt just comes in around and around and each time I think I am healing and over it, something will happen to set me back.

I broke up with my ex because I was a bit of a rebound girlfriend and he was not ready to be in a relationship.. but I still cared for him alot. He was my first real relationship so I've been quite naive. We broke up end of last June and I was feeling a lot better by August.. In September we started school again together (Same program with all the same classes, all the same friends) I made a point to keep my distance from him, but when I found out he started seeing another girl, I COMPLETELY BROKE DOWN. All my "healing" faded to nothing and I had to start the whole process again. Why would he lie to me and why wouldn't he come back to me if he was ready to be in a relationship when he told me nothing was wrong with our relationship?.. I cut him more and more out of my life but he would always be upset if I ignored him and I would always go back to giving a "friendship" a try. I realize it hurts me more to be his friend and to know he's with someone else.. I still think about him quite alot. It feels like for as long as I have to see him each day of my life, he will not be out of my mind until I find someone else to "replace" his spot in my thoughts. It's not that I expect us to get back together but he is a constant reminder of a "failure" and how lonely I feel without him and makes me miss the happiness we had together. I have many friends here at college but everyone has "someone" so it just makes me feel even more alone.

Is 6 mts too long to be taking to heal? I am upset that he still has some control over my emotions. I think it's mostly when I'm feeling lonely that hang on to him and try to "be friends". Does anyone else have these feelings?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 4:52pm

Ok, wait, just because he started seeing someone else, does NOT mean he's ready to be in a committed relationship. Put that thought out of your head. It could mean he's just dating, getting to know someone new or is lonely, wants company and/or sex. And you aren't a failure because he didn't want to be in a relationship with you.

6 Months is not too long especially if you have had any contact with him during that time - like him pushing for 'friendship' and you giving in.

Hang in there, it does get easier.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 4:59pm
I was just reading your post, and my best advice is to heal at your own pace. I've only been two serious relationships (I am just out of college), and when my first ex and I broke up it took me almost a year to be okay with everything. I had waited about 6 months to start dating after we broke up, and it was really hard...I had been pining over him and he was stringing me along with emails, and hopes for the future, and finally I ran into him and I contfronted him about seeing someone else and he told me that he had been seeing someone for awhile. I finally gave up and told myself I had to move on, but it took me a long time to be completely okay with the break up, we were together for about 3 years so it was hard to get over. I think that finding out that he was seeing someone else eliminated every hope in my mind, and I came to terms with the situation. I would suggest NC...I think if I hadn't spent all those months hanging on, then I would've been able to heal a lot quicker. NC is extremely hard, but it is also necessary-it puts things into perspective, and it helps you work on you. If he is with someone else, then he isn't worth your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 5:54pm

yap on my situation...9mths now imagine that!!!!...lol

well yah ofcourse sometimes we think that we already move on and oneday if we findout that their dating someone new...(back on day one again!!!) right?? worst part is if the reason of the broke up is "they dont have time for us"...and onething you know they do have time for their new prospect... :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 7:05pm
The reason my ex and I broke it off was because he told me he could not commit to me (we started dating very shortly after his wife walked out on him) but wanted to date other people to 'see what was out there and validate if he had feelings with me'. Well, guess what...he jumped right into a relationship with someone else. It KILLED me at first so I broke off all contact with him and it was the best thing I could have done. I no longer think about him and what he is doing with 'her'. As a matter of fact, I would venture to bet he will do the same with her that he did with me, freak out when they get too close. Is there anyway you can completely break contact with him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:18pm
No.. I have all the same classes with him every day of the week and we share all the same friends. I try to avoid him at school, just keep it short and amicable so that it's not awkward for our friends. I try to keep busy doing stuff that doesn't involve him. Sometimes it's hard to talk to him when he acts like we have no history. At times, it doesn't bother me but most of the time I miss the closeness we felt and being special to him the way I used to be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:28pm

your ex sound just like my ex too...i just wish we didnt date the same person..lol

my ex too he just got in a divorce and after we broke up..i find out that the exwife is pregnant with the man that she chose(cheated) over him. now i was thinking maybe he felt so desperate and wants to put everything out to our relationship... but he told me thats not the main reason...yah right!!!

my initial is R.F....what about yours??? i'm just curious?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:16pm
Ha! The initials are C.M. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 3:21pm

ha okay...i guess their not the same person...lol

anyways it just proven that all guys are same @*@%. what do you think??? actually some of them(they might get mad at me if i say all of them!!!)lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:36pm

Is there anyway you can not see him or know what he is doing or who he is with? I think that is what is holding you back with the healing process. My ex dumped me 7 months ago and I was deeply in love with him and devastated when he literally ran without telling me why. The one thing that has helped so much is to not have any contact with him and not see him, I haven't been within 5 miles of his house, I threw away everything he had given me and I have broken contact with his friends that are also my friends because I don't want to hear what he is doing.

You might want to start taking the same steps. I guarantee it will help you heal and move on. My heart is still healing and I am still not ready to date even though I feel I am at times. By not having any contact with your ex what so ever, you will also get emotionally stronger and that is the key to moving on.

I wish you the best and the answer to your question is "no", 6 months is not too long but you don't want to prolong your pain by having contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 12:37am
While you obviously can't avoid him in class, you can probably avoid him outside of class, right? Possibly ask a sympathetic friend to meet you after class so you don't have to talk to him. Depending on what terms the two of you are on, you might tell him straight up that you can't talk to him and you aren't ready to be friends, if that's what he's looking for. It kind of sounds like it might be a relief for him to not have to make awkward small talk. Lastly, and this is the harshest, if your mutual friends are choosing him over you, you need to cut ties with them. You need the best support system around you, and the friends that aren't there for you now or feed your curiosity about what he's up to are not that support. I have had to do that, and eventually you will move on with your life and be able to let those people back in your life. It doesn't have to be nasty, but you just need to tell the people who care about you know what you need to do.

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