8 days with no contact....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
8 days with no contact....
12
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:18pm
and it's not getting any easier! He was the one who broke up with me (3 weeks ago) but I was the one who said we couldn't talk or be friends...so why does it still hurt so much??? I think about him all the time, I still cry everyday and I can't sleep! I don't know what to do! I've even been reading books and talking to a counsellor but I don't feel like I am making any progress and I am so sick of feeling so unhappy! before we got together I was single, confident and loving every second of it and now I'm a mess!
I guess when I told him I couldn't be friends or talk anymore I was hoping he would come back but he hasn't and there doesn't seem to be any hope that he will. I feel like I am in denial over this whole thing...and I just don't understand it at all...I don't want to crack and call him but it's really hard and it really hurts to just know that he isn't hurting as much as I am and that he is just okay with us not being together.
Hating this and wish it would get easier sooner rather than later!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:40pm

You are not alone in your feelings... I felt the same way you do now, only my time was in Feb. It feels like your world is turned upside down, like you can't go on, how can he just not talk to you while you sit there in misery. It sucks, but it's part of the process!

People have said you have to go thru the fire to come out to the other side feeling better, and it's true. There is no magic snap of the fingers and everything is suddenly better. Unfortunately, you have to go thru this crappy part to get to the other side. ;)

The way I kept myself from contacting my ex (actually, I didn't even want to) was to think how he had every method to contact me- and wasn't. There's no excuse not to call, email, text, etc. So if he's not willing to do it, don't stick your neck out there and boost his ego by doing it. Plus, you'll most likely feel worse afterwards... either he won't answer, or it won't be the conversation you are hoping for. And take it from the others on this board who did break no contact, they all felt *worse* afterwards! It's only a quick fix.

You will get better.... trust those of us in 'still mending'. I still feel crappy and still have down moments, but it's not as piercing painful as the first 2 weeks. Hang in there!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:43pm

I'm sorry...I know how painful it is, and unfortunately it DOES get harder before it gets easier, as reality sets in...but that's a necessary part of the process (even though it's awful to go through).

Remember (one of my breakup mantras)..."the only way out is through". You *will* get to the other side, but it's going to take time. And if you do break down and contact him, it will restart the process--not all the way back at the beginning but close. That's the trade-off for talking to him...you may decide it's worth it, you may not. But at some point you will need to go through this and get to the other side of it.

Hang in there and keep posting as often as you need to!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 4:38pm

I will tell you from the opposite end, cuz I just broke up with my boyfriend that he is probably not "okay". What he is doing is a good thing, you have to look at it and realize he is trying to do the right thing by not being friends so that you aren't hurting by getting false hope. I learned the hard way and tried to be friends with my ex but he was so in love that he just thought he would win me back, it just doesn't work like that.

This was his decision and even though he felt it was right doesn't make it any easier for him. I am sure he is sad at times and is dealing with some pain too, just in a different way. And yes like everyone has said, if he wanted to talk to you, he would. So you just have to let it go. Everything you are doing is normal for a person that is heartbroken, it's all part of the process, there is no way you can just be happy all of the sudden, it doesn't work that way. Fight the urge to call, the urge will go away after awhile and you will feel so much better!! Just continue to have NO contact, and once a lot of time passes, friendship might work, but not for a while, so go ahead and mope and be sad, eat ice cream or listen to love songs, get it all out...but then you need to be ready to move on, because now you are just one step closer to being with the right person, the person who wants to be with you no matter what. Things will get better, hang in there :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 5:20pm
I think I am having such a hard time with this because I don't feel like I have any closure...how can you move on from something that you don't completely understand? It just keeps my head spinning with questions and wondering the 'why's' and 'what if's'.
We had a great relationship...with a few ups and downs nothing major but near the end we had a few fights over nothing and when he ended it he was going through some stuff that he was having a hard time dealing with and ending things with me was basically one less thing he had to stress about...but he said on more than one oocasion that he was still in love with me and wanted me in his life...I said it was too hard for me because I was really hurt and that I needed time and he was upset about that but 8 days ago it was his birthday so I called to say happy birthday and he seemed like I was the last person in the world he wanted to talk to...and no we aren't talking. I don't understand why he has changed his mind about wanting me in his life....it doesn't make any sense to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 5:43pm

hey there-

i know exactly what you are going thru. i have even tried to get all my why/what if questions answered by my ex--but he can't say anything to satisfy all the questions i have. (we had a great relationship also & he still tells me he misses me and loves me). basically what i'm trying to say is that you will always have questions unanswered. you're going to have to get your closure by reminding yourself that he chose not to be with you. he is the fool. and you deserve better.

closure will come easier by keeping up with NC. it's been 4 months since the break-up for me. i went 4 weeks w/ NC (he called during that time but i didn't answer) but then I slipped & called him last week. so i'm a work-in-progress too....but i gotta tell you when i was in my 3rd of those 4 weeks, i was doing much better. he was in my thoughts a whole lot less.

it will get better, rest assured.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 6:07pm

Sweetie, you *do* have the tools for closure, you're just not happy with the closure you have (which is the case more often than not). Closure is the basis for accepting that it's over and that the two of you are not right for each other. It's NOT about understanding the why's...that'll almost *never* happens. He has told you he can't be with you in a romantic sense right now...you need to accept that, even though you don't understand it, even though you would never make the same choice if you were in his shoes, etc.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 7:47pm

I am where you are. A week ago Sat. I told my significant other that things weren't working. When he said "but I don't want to loose you, lets stay as friends". I told him no, nothing, no calls, no txt, no emails. I didn't want it...then as I was out w/a friend on Sunday trying to ease my pain, I txt him, twice, then Monday I sent him an email telling him my full reasons for ending things. That he ran to hot and cold,that he had to have everything his way or no way, etc. I also told him that the reason we could not continue our friendship was that if I couldn't be treated in a respectable caring manner by someone when I was in an intimate relationship, what value am I to that person and what value is it to have them in my life further. It felt good to say it, but a few days later, I "needed" to talk to him. He was out of town and told me he would call when he got home. Instead, I got an email telling me it was fruitless for him to call since I had made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him and why and that he did not want to "participate in the capacity of a negative influence" in my life...ouch. That hurt so much, but guess what, I got what I asked for.

And quite honestly, I probably at that moment and in time feel thatit is the best thing, but god it hurts. What is worse is we live and work in a very small community, so I pass by him at least once sometimes (as with friday) four times in one day. It would be easier if he lived further away, but this is my albatross...and my life lesson for this year...Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 12:38pm
Thanks for all your responses...I really hope this acceptance thing comes soon...I'm sure others feel the same way I do with the ups and downs and feeling like your making progress one day and then the next it feels like it just happened.
But I totally feel the "be careful what you ask for" lesson because I was the one who said no to friendship and keeping in touch but I didn't mean forever and I feel like there is no chance now. I have been reading lots of the posts and everyone else's exs seem to make contact with them at some point but since I told him not to he hasn't and he won't...he's stubborn that way once his mind is made up there is no changing it...I just wish it wasn't so easy for him...knowing that makes me feel worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2006
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:05pm
It will get easier, you just need to give it more time. I know it is hard, I have been exactly where you are and worse! I am still struggling with it and now I wish I would have stood my ground and not called, emailed or given in to his calls and emails. I know exactly how you feel and it really stinks! I was a strong, happy confiedent woman before this relationship too, and it has litterally torn me up! I am once again going to try to hold my ground, but just know that you are already through the hardest part. 8 days is a great start but it will still take time to heal. If you let him see your weakness, then you become vaunerable. You have the control right now whether you realize it or not. The minute you call, you are handing the control back over to him, and that is an even less fun place to be. It has probably run through your mind that he might not know you still want to be with him and if you call, he will know... he does know! He ended the relationship and he is very aware of that. Don't get into the mess I am in and let him be there when he wants to be with you not knowing how to break free! Stand your ground and you will feel better! Think about the control you have over the situation and how strong you look right now... you may not feel it, but others can see it!! Stand your ground sista! Keep me posted! Hopefully you can be some encouragement to me!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 1:30pm

Honestly...if he can't give you some grace and empathy about needing time and no contact to get over him...do you really WANT someone like that as a friend???

Forever is a long time...I doubt very much that you will never have any contact with him again. If your friendship is meant to be, you will be able to contact him months or years down the road (whenever you are ready) and he will respond positively.

It's not necessarily "easy" for him...just because he's not contacting you, doesn't mean he's not feeling pain or loss. But that's really neither here nor there...what's important is what YOU need to do to move on, and that's no contact.

Sheri

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