8 months later - still struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
8 months later - still struggling
41
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:39am
I broke up with my ex nearly 8 months ago because after a 3 year relationship, and me moving states basically for him, he told me that he didn't know if he was the type of person that could ever get married, but it wasn't anytime in the near future. He wouldn't even make a commitment to living with me. This is after he made me believe that he was ready for marriage and would be proposing soon. I couldn't take it, because I loved him, and I wanted to be his wife more than anything and have a family with him, and it was obvious that he didn't want that. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting around just to hear that again from him. I started dating another man, and it took my mind off of my ex for awhile, but here I am today still thinking about and crying over my ex. I talked to him on myspace the other day, and seeing his pictures was so overwhelming. And when I say cried, i don't mean a single tear fell from my eye, but I screamed and cried so hard I thought I was going to hyperventilate. What is wrong with me? It has been almost a year, and I still get this upset at looking at a picture of him? Am I crazy? Am I ever going to get over this man and truly move on with my life?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 9:31am

i hear you and understand what you're going through. in my opinion (and this is just my opinion) myspace is like crack, and really should be avoided at all costs. like you said, the pictures tore you up, and i don't imagine that continuing to chat with him is helping you out.

i don't have a myspace page, but my ex does, and i'm weaning myself off of checking it. i ask myself why i'm doing it and what good it does to do so. really, it's sort of cyber-stalking, and i don't like how i feel about myself for doing that. more interestingly, when my ex and i did a "soft" breakup about 3 months ago, HE sent ME a link to myspace out of the blue one day after we hadn't spoken for about three days, an invite to join the site. THAT, in my opinion, just goes to show how people are so hooked on keeping "tabs" on one another -- this guy wanted me to join, create a profile overflowing with photos and friends and chats and whatnot, so HE could have a place to lurk and check me out if we were splitting.

i dunno, it's ultimately your call, but you should consider just not contacting him, which includes no myspace checking, at least until it no longer effects you in this painful way. tell yourself that you'll go a week without looking, and then if you still want to, you can look. my guess is that after you've gotten through that week, and have starting filling your life with other things, you won't even want to...

take care...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 10:53am

I think when you truely love someone its difficult to ever fully letgo until something happens.
My ex n i broke up about a yr ago and i was doing better, finally making progress not tinking about him, moving fwd thinking of how i wanted to be happy...but then a bomb drops, he is engaged probably arranged marriage and i'm devatsed coz i know how much i loved him and when i asked him he treated me like i was the bad guy. BUt it made me realise as much as i loved him it didn't mean the same to him, he has moved on n not looked back once and sometimes we need to do the same. I haven't cried in a while and i've bawled my eyes since....it might be a struggle but hopefully you'll get thru the bumpy road when you find the right motivation to help set you free....

best of luck and hang in there

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 10:27am

I have had people tell me that it's been a long time, and "I should be over it by now." And that is kind of discouraging because I'm completely not over it!! I have no idea how I'm going to feel tommorow, or even in a few hours! The pain comes and goes, all day, every day.

My ex and i broke up 11 months ago after dating for almost 5 years. We had broken up before, but it didnt last this long. He hasn't called me, e-mailed me or anything this whole time!

How long should it take to "get over it?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:35pm
It's been almost 2 years for me and I am still hurting and I know one of the biggest reasons and the mere fact that my ex will contact me from time to time doesn't help, so I feel I'm still holding onto hope, when in reality there isn't/shouldn't be esp. when it's been this long. Some people don't understand, mainly because they have forgotten what it was like to hurt this bad over someone they loved deeply at one point in their life, so it's easy for them to say "get over it".
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 7:41pm

Four years for me. It isn't getting any easier. It's hard to forget someone when they always show up in your dreams.

But everyone in this thread, this forum, will keep on keeping on. What else can you do? You pine. You fantasize. And then you have to throw some cold water on your face and smack yourself back to reality.

"The One" wasn't the one after all. You'd think after four solid years of separation, I'd get that through my thick skull.

She's out there somewhere...maybe with someone. Maybe not. I may never know...but I can dream.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:29am

It's been one full year since I have seen his face. I am very much in love with a new guy and he adores me. But I still think of my Ex about a hundred times a day. How could I not? I spent almost every waking hour with him for six years. We did some incredible things, hiked the Grand Canyon, saw Niagra Falls, went to Europe, had about fifteen trips in the USA. We shared a home, ten dogs and cats.

It sounds bizarre, but I still miss him, my home, and my animals so much it hurts. Every day I fight the urge to contact him. I have done everything I know to do to "get over" him, except really working the NC, which I have been doing now for two months.

I can't really imagine my feelings changing in one year, three years, ten years. I will always love that man. And that is the reason I doubt I will ever be able to be friends with him or even see him again. I love with all my heart, and that piece of it will forever be his. And I know my new BF struggles with memories of his Ex, too, after fourteen years of marriage. We love each other and just do the best we can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 3:52am
Well I had to show up again on this board just to make sure I wasn't losing it by not being able to "get over it", and feeling this come and go depth of sadness that just won't go away. Rationally, it seems like I'd be able to leave these feelings behind, but it's just not working out that way for me. I've distracted myself with a string of dating that leaves me with no feeling, and find myself back crying and missing this guy like it's day one post-break up. Laughable, reality, insanity, symptom of more healing needed, hopelessness??? This is life?
Anyway - best to all the broken hearts out there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:42am

palzywalzy,

So you have been separated for 4 years? Has she made any contact with you whatsoever? It didn't sound that way...honestly I think the reason why it's been so long and why we can't seem to move on with our lives to the fullest is because one will pour their whole soul into someone and give them their heart entirely, expecting the same in return. Just to learn something different in the end, not that any of us expects a different ending but happiness. I keep thinking and looking at it this way, there isn't just one person out there for everyone, there is another, but even then to hear myself say that seems impossible for me...I hate the depression, the ups and downs, the not knowing how you are going to feel the next day even tho I try hard not to think about it. It's still hard...

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:03pm

So, Waterbug, how long have you been broken up? Do you have any contact with him?

I know there are occasionally people who love each other, break up, and then reunite years later. They just can't get each other out of their minds and hearts. Sometimes there are other relationships in between. This thinking is probably not good for me, but I do wonder all the time if I am destined to be one of those people.

Right now, I am struggling to fill in the blanks of: He is not right for me because _____. Sheri said I would not get over my Ex-boyfriend until I can be confident that he is not the one for me. I am practicing the No Contact, but it is extremely hard. And I am trying to let time take its course.

Today is my Ex-husband's birthday. I have not heard from him in ten years. I still have very intense feelings for him, although I rarely think of him. Just my nature, maybe.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 8:12pm

Just a slight clarification--accepting that he's not the right one for you is not the same thing as "being confident" that he's not. Or at least to me it's not the same thing. Accepting is more...I don't know, zen, I guess, for lack of a better word. Also "being confident" implies to me that you understand why you're not right for each other, which I don't think ever really happens. Acceptance doesn't require understanding, it just requires that you accept what is.

Sheri

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