8 months later - still struggling

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Registered: 06-11-2004
8 months later - still struggling
41
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:39am
I broke up with my ex nearly 8 months ago because after a 3 year relationship, and me moving states basically for him, he told me that he didn't know if he was the type of person that could ever get married, but it wasn't anytime in the near future. He wouldn't even make a commitment to living with me. This is after he made me believe that he was ready for marriage and would be proposing soon. I couldn't take it, because I loved him, and I wanted to be his wife more than anything and have a family with him, and it was obvious that he didn't want that. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting around just to hear that again from him. I started dating another man, and it took my mind off of my ex for awhile, but here I am today still thinking about and crying over my ex. I talked to him on myspace the other day, and seeing his pictures was so overwhelming. And when I say cried, i don't mean a single tear fell from my eye, but I screamed and cried so hard I thought I was going to hyperventilate. What is wrong with me? It has been almost a year, and I still get this upset at looking at a picture of him? Am I crazy? Am I ever going to get over this man and truly move on with my life?
Avatar for memphisstars
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:58pm

Oh! Wow, Sheri, thank you very much for that clarification. That may make my task much easier. I don't to this day understand how my Ex-husband could abandon me and our three children, but after a couple years, I accepted it and knew he was not coming back. So, I guess it's like that. Huh?

The thing that makes it so difficult with my Ex-BF is that we ARE broken up, but he still wants me back so badly, that I could be back with him in less than an hour if I so chose. So, in working on accepting what IS, I keep thinking of what COULD BE right now. There are just some parts of his personality that no one else has and I miss that so much. In my heart, I always knew I would never find someone with the traits he has (excluding all the psycho parts, of course), and that is what I miss so much. He is a very unique person in many ways.

Now, whether that would be a wise course of action to return to him, obviously that would be just plain stupid on my part to desert the best new boyfriend a woman could ever have and devastate him, only to return to someone who has major issues, and totally cruel to my new guy. I can't split myself in two, and rationally, to return to Psycho Jerk would be insane, but that hasn't stopped the longing that I still have for him. I wish he would take this option away from me by finding someone new, but if I heard he had done that, even now, I would be devastated all over again. The thought of him with another woman is horrible to me, and in a way, I am using No Contact as a crutch to avoid hearing that has happened.

I am stuck, and I hope time takes care of it in some way. I continue No Contact, but the pain is just as strong as ever. I just wish the feelings would subside. I also continue in counseling. If I am still having this problem in five or six months, I may have a meeting with Ex and see if that helps. I have an overwhelming urge to tell him how much I still hate him. Maybe I need to get that out of my system.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:19pm

Good, I'm glad--I really do think there's a difference.

Your ex may want you back but all his issues will still be there. Of course you'd have a honeymoon period but eventually the problems and issues would surface again. And you would have lost a good guy in the process.

I know exactly what you mean about the uniqueness--I felt that way about my c'phobic ex. And honestly I haven't met anyone quite like him since. But he's broken in a fundamental way so it could never work between us. He's now claiming that he's going to get married to his married GF as soon as her divorce is final--but I'll believe it when I see it. And even if he does get married, I'm sure the same issues will be there. But I accept that he's flawed and I do wish him happiness--but I have to admit, I'm just a *wee* bit resentful that he's all messed up and I've worked so hard to NOT be messed up and feel like I've come so far--yet he's the one with the SO, go figure. But I feel very, very grateful that that is really my only "upset" with his situation--I don't want him back in the least.

Anyway, I hope you find the peace that comes with acceptance very soon.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-15-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 5:28am

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I know just how you feel. I've been there a couple of times in my life. This may not be what you want to hear, but the only way to get over a break up is to go through the mourning of that relationship (which you are doing). No one can tell you for how long because that varies with each individual and each situation. I hope you take some comfort in the fact that this breakup is affecting your ex, too, even if he's not telling you about it. Every day you spent with him he also spent with you.

A red flag flew up when I read your statement that you two had broken up before (and more than once). This tells me that the relationship wasn't working out too well, anyway. I also picked up that you were the one making most of the effort to keep you two together. Well, it takes two to make a relationship work. You can't do it alone. When things aren't working out no matter how hard you're trying, then that's God letting you know that this man was not the man for you. Listen to the Lord. He's never made a mistake. As humans, mistakes are all we make. What would help right now is to get a close relationship with God, and get busy doing things to help others. Throw yourself into community work, volunteer work, etc., that you won't have time to sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Let God send you the husband of His choice. Doing it His way is always easiest. Trust me, I know.

If you want to talk further about this, send me a private email at:

ljtilmon@yahoo.com

I'll be pray for you. God bless.

Hugs,

Lynn Tilmon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:18am
Theres no definite amount of time you should give yourself. Especially after 5 years of dating, theres alot of emotions to work through and things you have to sort out. Just give yourself time, ignore your friends who tell you to "get over it" because you can't just get over it like that. Its not that easy trying to get over someone that serious, after 5 years yea its gonna take time. A good method, write down the good and bad, have a night of detox, a pint of Ben and Jerry's a sappy romantic movie and just let yours;ef rewind, even play a few love songs, that helps you cope with what heppened and you'll feel better the next day. Try that and just tell everyone that your dealing with it and they will hopefully understand.
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Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:31am

I've heard from all sorts of sources (including Sex and the City- don't know how reliable this one is) that it normally takes 1/2 the amount of time spent in the total relationship to get over a person; so if the relationship lasted 3 years, it would (hypothetically) take 1 1/2 years to "get over" it. From my personal experience, it also depends completely on the seriousness or how intimately involved you were. If the relationship lasted for 3 years, but it was an on-again off-again relationship where you saw other people in between, then I would venture to say that it would not take too long to get over it. On the other hand, if you were heavily emotionally invested (as it sounds you may have been) then it could possibly take even longer to get over it.

My last relationship lasted 8 months, but it was an on-again off-again relationship and I was over it after I finally broke up with him because I had met someone else. I have been with Mr. Someone Else (aka The One) for over 4 years, and although I have had many relationships in the past that I thought were serious, I haven't given those a second thought. I also know that if my current BF and I were to (God forbid) breakup, it would take me far longer than 2 years to get over it.

In my opinion, the easiest way to get over a past relationship is to cut all connections from your ex-BF, including (possibly) places that may have been special to the both of you. Another way that I have found to get over someone quicker is to spend a great deal of time with your gal-pals and other singles, whether men or women. I enjoy surrounding myself with other people, so for me the most difficult times I had were when I was alone and without company.

Give yourself time, maybe the next person that comes around will be The One, and, like what happened to me, he found me when I wasn't even searching.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:38am
Just to clarify, I was only trying to make you laugh with my first statement in this last post. I don't believe there is a set time that takes to get over it, however I do feel that love (for me, anyways) is the reason why we are here ---the meaning of life, if you will. Because love in an emotion that is extremely difficult to quantify or define, there are no 'normal' definitions of what happens when love is lost. I can't imagine how you must feel, but I truly hope that you can find peace enough to live a happy and fulfilling life, with or without your ex.
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Registered: 02-09-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:20am

I am so sorry. I wish I had word of wisdom for you . Just a hug. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:29am
True love lasts forever, unfortunately many relationships do not. You may have to accept the facts that (1) your relationship is over, at least for now and (2) you are still in love with your guy and (3) Struggling is part of life however when you get tired of this particular struggle, and trust me you will, you will stop struggling with it and go on to pursue another struggle. Take Care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:50am
My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost one. We were both married before, him for 13 yrs, me for 10. We had separated from our ex's within the same year, and met and began dating near the end of that year. Alot of people say that was quick, but for us, our marriages had been over long before we had actually left.
The thing is, our ex's couldn't get over each of us for a long time. The marriages were hell, don't get me wrong. Counselling didn't help. Constant fighting, which wasn't good for the kids we each had.
His ex has finally moved on, about a year ago. My ex, well he is another story. He will be bitter untill the end. Not only that, but he has been living with someone for 3 yrs now, and claims he is happy. But it is clear in the way he talks to me, (we have to have communication because of our two kids) he is not over it. And plus, his girlfriend has an attitude, because she is also feeling what he is feeling. Is that fair to her? I guess if she is sticking around, she must really love him enough to see it through.
He knew we had problems. It was obvious to the neighbors when we were fighting and yelling at 2 a.m.
My husband's ex really had issues for the first 5 years. It was insane. If she needed to figure out any reason why my husband had left her, she just needed to listen to herself anytime she came to pick up the kids, or phoned.
I'm not saying that everyone has issues and that's why people leave. People leave completely rational people, because they themselves have issues.
All I can say is, people don't leave happy relationships. They stay in them. All we can do is try and move on, and accept that there is no going back, especially after repeated break ups. Find yourself, be happy. Life is too short to wonder about 'what could have been'. Think about what you are going to be now.

Farmer's wife and mother of four, blessed and grateful.

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Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 11:51am
Wow...my original post got a good discussion going, and thank you all so much! I could really relate to all of your posts. I now see that still being upset after 8 months doesn't make me a freak. Especially the comment someone made about "if things aren't working out no matter how hard you're trying, this is God trying to tell you that this is not the man for you." That really helps to think about thank you. =) I loved the statement..."But he's broken in a fundamental way". Hilarious...and exactly how I would describe my ex.