8 months later - still struggling
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8 months later - still struggling
| Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:39am |
I broke up with my ex nearly 8 months ago because after a 3 year relationship, and me moving states basically for him, he told me that he didn't know if he was the type of person that could ever get married, but it wasn't anytime in the near future. He wouldn't even make a commitment to living with me. This is after he made me believe that he was ready for marriage and would be proposing soon. I couldn't take it, because I loved him, and I wanted to be his wife more than anything and have a family with him, and it was obvious that he didn't want that. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting around just to hear that again from him. I started dating another man, and it took my mind off of my ex for awhile, but here I am today still thinking about and crying over my ex. I talked to him on myspace the other day, and seeing his pictures was so overwhelming. And when I say cried, i don't mean a single tear fell from my eye, but I screamed and cried so hard I thought I was going to hyperventilate. What is wrong with me? It has been almost a year, and I still get this upset at looking at a picture of him? Am I crazy? Am I ever going to get over this man and truly move on with my life?

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I would highly advise AGAINST going back with your ex and leaving the new bf!! I went through this exact same situation a little over a year ago. My ex had broken up with me twice at that point, and I had started to date a new man. I thought he was pretty wonderful, and just when I was beginning to really like him, my ex came crawling back once more proclaiming all kinds of wonderful things. How his life was a burning hell without me, and he loved me soooo much and wanted to marry me....and on and on..I could actually email you the letter to see what kind of crap it was. Anyway..I fell for it, and took him back because I was in love with him...and 8 months later, he told me that he was unsure about me and didn't know if he would ever be ready to marry me. Something he knew very badly that I wanted when he came crawling back the second time, so he used it to get me back. People usually don't change that much. The things that you fought about before will probably happen again this time around, and you will have wasted even more time on this man...and given up a good one in the process.
No one else can tell you how long it will take to "get over it."
I was in a previous relationship that I ended and two years later, I wasn't "over it." It takes time to heal and allow yourself to move on. Take your time, find other interests or hobbies to occupy your time and pamper yourself...go take a class or learn to cook or get a massage. As in all things, everyone's healing process will vary.
When you are ready to move on, you will know it. Just take your time and work through it. Pray and attend church. Time really does heal all wounds when connected to something spiritual.
I feel your pain, but don't be so hard on yourself. You will get over him!
As someone on the verge of a breakup from a guy that I've dated and adored for three years, I know I will probably be the same way. I don't think 8 months is really that long to miss someone whom you obviously really cared about.
According to the relationship calculator from healmybrokenheart, if you dated three years and were really happy with him (sounds like you were), then it should take 2 years to get over him. Personally, I think that's a little long, but I can see how it would take two years to be FULLY and COMPLETELY recovered (as in, you could pass him and his new girl on the street and not even flinch.)
Congratulations on this part though: "I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting around just to hear that again from him." SO many women aren't smart enough or brave enough to move on and stay in dead-end relationships for years and years. You obviously are a strong person and you will get through this just fine.
Hang in there!!
=-)
The reason why you might be feeling may be due to the fact, you don't have closure. Things are up in the air and not clear to you. Is this a really the end of your relationship or can you guys work through your problems and get back together? I would suggest to contact him and explain to him what you're feeling and ask him to tell you what's he wants, then come to some kind of conclusion that's best for the both of you. The fact that you hasn't contact you for so long, say alot.
Guys would are afraid to break it off with a girl usually just ignore then and stop calling. In addition, some guys will try to get in touch with a girl simply because they can't find anyone and are lonely. They're basically playing you, it's cruel but happens. Since you guys have been together for so long but have broken up in the past. There's only 2 reasons I can think of why he hasn't called. He decided he really does want to end things but is not man enough to tell you to your face. Or he's not sure if he wants to "fix things" and get back with you. He might be giving himself some space to think before he takes any action. Either way, the only way to find out what's going on, is to try to contact him yourself.
However, don't wait by the phone 24/7 for his call. Don't harass him with emails and phone calls. Leave him a message or email saying you just want to talk to get some closure. In the mean time, figure out what you want. Do you still want to get back with him and why? Think about what made you guys break up in the first place, will this problem ever go away and can you deal with it if it doesn't?
Break ups are hard. It takes time to get over. The amount of time is different for everyone. I think you're stressed because you're hoping he will call you, you're hoping you guys can get back together. I think until you find out from him if he still wants to give it another shot or really call it quits, you won't have peace of mind. If you try to contact him and get no response, I think you can assume its over. Don't wait for him. Do what you have to do to get over this hump, cry, eat ice cream, hang out with friends whatever your routine is to get over a guy but accept the fact it is over, so you can open your heart to someone else when the opportunity arrives. If by some chance you're with someone else and he decide after all this time to get back with you, explain to him that he waited too long and had his chance.
I was with a guy who stopped calling every now and then. I finally called it off, as hard as it was. Then he called and was stupid enough to give him another chance but the same thing happened, he would stop calling for a couple of months. I was hurt, again... and told myself we're just not going to work. I started dating other guys. He would call now and then to try to schedule a date with me but I would blow him off. Even though I liked him alot, I was tired of all his mind games and I was tired of getting hurt all the time. He would still call me to get back with me but I reminded myself how much it hurt when we broke up and I didn't want to go through it again. I told myself even if I can't find a guy the rest of my life and even if we can work things out and get back together, I didn't want to risk getting hurt again. He had his chance and he blew it. Though part of me wanted to get back with him because I had such strong feelings for him, I stayed strong and went out with my friends and enjoyed myself. I began to see other guys, even though I wasn't completely over the last guy I was with but I told myself the pain will pass and over time it did. I started dating my current boyfriend, the guy I broke up with would continue to call me. He knew I was dating someone else, I think he probably figured I would give in to him but I didn't.
He still called me once in a blue moon to see if I was still with him even after a year that we broke up. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. I'm glad I didn't give the other guy another chance because then I would be with my current boyfriend, and he's 100x better.
So don't get hung up on this guy if things are really over. Don't wait for him to call. Give yourself some time to cry over the break up and when you're ready to have fun again, do it. And you might meet your future husband, and would be grateful that you didn't wait for the last guy you were with. Besides do you want to go through all this pain and stress again if you guys get back together and it doesn't work? It would be a waste of time and alot of heartache for you. I wish you the best.
Hey Texasgirl, I think how your ex's response to your efforts to contact him are very hurtful and immature to say the least. I once liked a guy very much and when he told me it didn't work it hurt me very much. I tried to call him and get some closure but he obviously wanted to be left alone and wanted nothing to do with me. He basically had the same response as your ex. I felt rejected and hurt. It's painful to love someone who feel so negatively about you. Since it's obvious he wants nothing to do with you and as you say "over you" then good. Now you know what kind of person he is, and he's not for you.
Besides why would you want to be with anyone that treats you less than the goddess you are =) It's his lost. And when time goes by and he crawls back, remind him how cold and cruel he was to you.
He doesn't deserve to be with you. In my opinion if someone truly cares about you, they wouldn't treat you that way, regardless of what happened between you to. I'm not going to ask the reasons behind your breakup, and quite frankly it doesn't matter at this point. The fact that he's acting that way towards you is terrible. I would stop contacting him all together and not even try to get any information about him, it would only make you feel rejected. Besides he's not worth your time. And you are NOT worthless. You're human. It's ok to feel sad and rejected over a breakup, perfectly normal.
I suggest you stop contacting him, no emails or phone calls. I personally would just delete them so I wouldn't be reminded of him, that's what I did with my ex. Don't look at your old pictures for now, until you feel you got over him. I know you feel like you won't ever find anyone that has the qualities that he possess but think about all the negative things about him. Would you really want to be with someone that gives you this much pain? Is it worth it? Everything happens for a reason. I think there is a special guy out there waiting for you. Someone who will cherish you, accept you for who you are, someone who you will fall madly in love with. He's waiting for you to recover from this ordeal and open your heart to him.
Perhaps for now, you should just focus on getting yourself back together. Don't worry about not finding a boyfriend. Don't worry about what other people say. Stay away from those people who put you down or make you feel worse. Surround yourself with things that make you feel good, whether is watching a movie by yourself, shopping, or exercising. I got a diary to write down all the things that hurt me and asked my friends to not mention my ex because I don't want to know if he has a new girlfriend or is still mad at me or whatever, it will only make the process of getting over him harder.
For some time I would dream about him and think that I see him everywhere because I did bump into him a few times unfortunately. You're a strong person. You don't need a boyfriend to make you happy. When I broke up with my ex, I thought I'll never find someone or someone who has all his good qualities. My roommate quoted a celebrity saying "your life is like a meal, you have your apetizers main course and your dessert. Men are dessert, they come in different varities and you like to have them after your main course. But you are still full and satisfied without dessert. It is nice to have dessert after a meal but not needed. Don't make men your main course, they are dessert. LOL you can take it or leave it and still be satisfied."
I told myself, okay worse case senario. I grow old and alone and die a virgin. LOL Then I said okay if I can't find anyone, then I'm going to use the money that I would use on dates and presents if I had a boyfriend on other things. Like traveling, I always wanted to see the world and treat myself to nice things. I would adopt a child or go to a sperm bank if I wanted a baby. I can live without a man by myself. I can support myself and be happy single. After I realize this, I went out with my friends alot, to clubs and parties. I really enjoyed myself. I finally started dating and after a few jerks, I found my prince charming. Regardless how my relationship goes with my current boyfriend, I know I'm okay by myself. You seem like a very smart and strong person Texasgirl. I have no doubt you will get over this and start enjoying life again.
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