8 months later - still struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
8 months later - still struggling
41
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 8:39am
I broke up with my ex nearly 8 months ago because after a 3 year relationship, and me moving states basically for him, he told me that he didn't know if he was the type of person that could ever get married, but it wasn't anytime in the near future. He wouldn't even make a commitment to living with me. This is after he made me believe that he was ready for marriage and would be proposing soon. I couldn't take it, because I loved him, and I wanted to be his wife more than anything and have a family with him, and it was obvious that he didn't want that. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting around just to hear that again from him. I started dating another man, and it took my mind off of my ex for awhile, but here I am today still thinking about and crying over my ex. I talked to him on myspace the other day, and seeing his pictures was so overwhelming. And when I say cried, i don't mean a single tear fell from my eye, but I screamed and cried so hard I thought I was going to hyperventilate. What is wrong with me? It has been almost a year, and I still get this upset at looking at a picture of him? Am I crazy? Am I ever going to get over this man and truly move on with my life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:14pm

I know from experience that when you truly love someone, you'll love them forever.
However, as time goes by the pain will be less and time will heal a broken heart.

You might find your self from time to time wondering "what if?" But dont waste time with that! If he is someone you truly love then try to give the relationship one last chance.

tina

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:59pm

Duly noted, Ahrorah! I am not going back to him. I do feel like he would marry me immediately like he says because he is very impulsive. But that would be the absolute wrong thing for me to do. Everyone tells me he would be nice for a period of time, and then revert back to his old ways. I don't know. I am not sure if he has made any steps to address his issues. I keep thinking if there is even a one percent chance that we could work it out this time, I sure hate to throw that away. I do love him so much.

But it's just not rationale to bank on that and give up what I have with my new guy. I wish he had tried harder when he was with me. Lord, help me to be strong. Why does life have to be so sad and so complicated?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:14am
Dear Texas Girl,
Theres a really good web sight Ive been in about broken hearts and breaking up.May-be it will help.Its, http://broken-heart.net It will take you to a search result page. Click on, Breaking up hurts-About break ups. I found it in yahoo. I wish you luck and happier days.Keep your chin up and remember,What goes around,comes around.I believe that with all my heart.He will have to pay for the hurt he has caused you,some way, some how, some day.
Crystalwolf777
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 12:18am

Hey Texas_girl86,

It should take as long as it takes. Don't try to rush through it because other people think you should be over it by now. I had a relationship that took a year and a half before the pain had dulled enough to start dating. Once I started dating, nothing serious, it took another year before I was open to really getting involved with someone on such a level. Just do your best to deal with it as it comes, don't let it rule your life or stop you from seeing happiness if it's right in front of you. It's ok to not be completely over it and still move on... I think that the people in our pasts leave a mark on our hearts that will always be there, some are better than others. But it is how we learn and how we grow. And another thing I learned from experience...Put the pictures and the cards away, don't torture or sabatoge yourself. Good Luck and God Speed,

Steelymommy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 1:00am
First and foremost, i want you to know I am where you are right now. My bf of 3.5 years and I broke up in January. It was under the worst of circumstances, similar to what happened with you. I'm not sure if I am of sound mind to give someone going through similar issues. I want you to know how you feel is normal. You should start meeting new people when YOU are ready. I know its hard because you are hoping that your ex will magically get his "stuff" straight and you guys can end up happily ever after, but right now you have to focus on getting yourself better. Maybe he will realize what he lost, maybe he won't but I can honestly say your only job right now is to make your self feel better. One of the things I do is every payday I go get my hair and nails done. I try to go out with my female friends to do normal girl things like shopping, movies, restaurant. It def helps. I know it looks bleek. You have to look forward to something positive. One of the plans of my ex and I had was I was going to move to the same city as him after I graduated. I'm graduating this year. For so long I tied my future to US, i knew that after I graduated that I wanted to somehow balance marriage with grad school. He even spent the past Christmas with me and my family. I've come to understand that its ok to have someone in your life and make big plans with them, but you have to make sure he is doing same. I thought thats what we were doing. I'm still trying to figure out what i did wrong. I want you to walk away from this with the feeling that it is ok to feel bad after what happened, but you have to somehow immerse yourself in something you will look forward to. Going to the gym, volunteering, or going back to school are some things you can consider. I will check the msg brds periodically to see hows it going with you. I hope I helped.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 1:39am
I dont think you can put a time on these things. It also depends on how damaging the break-up was. If your ex was crewl and nasty about things and really made you sink to rock bottom that can take longer to work through. I was treated really bad by my ex and then dumped 15 months ago and if I think about it I can still cry, he really kicked me while I was down, and treated me really bad. For example he cheated on me, kept secerets and much worse. Dont be to hard on yourself each time we have a partner things only get better if we all learn from the past. It may not feel like it now but you may even find you will love the next partner more then the old x. Also I feel its a combination of hurt and lonleness. Good luck and get out and keep yourself busy. Nicole
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 10:45am

My favorite comment:

**Besides why would you want to be with anyone that treats you less than the goddess you are =) It's his lost. And when time goes by and he crawls back, remind him how cold and cruel he was to you.**

I repeated that to myself and it made me feel so much better about everything! I know that I was good to him, and I don't deserve all of the pain he put me through and is STILL putting me through. I can't wait, repeat I CAN'T wait, until I can turn him down for once, and remind him how cruel he was to me! Until then, I have to get my life back and start to enjoy things again. I'm not sure if I remember how to do that, but I'm gonna try!! Thanks so much for your comments! Everyone on here! You have all been great help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 3:39pm

Hey Texas girl. I'm glad you realize you are a goddess and should be treated like one. LOL
Believe it or not that's what I was thinking when this jerk I dated treated me like crap. I wrote in my diary I'm a goddess and should be treated like one and decided to stop seeing him as hard as it was. I bumped into him a few years later and he apologized to me for being so cold and for treating me like dirt. Though he made an attempt to hook up with me again and appeared to be nice. I knew underneath still lived that same jerk that cursed at me, asked me to pay for our dates, and basically took advantage of me becuase he knew he can. I was polite but made it clear I don't want a relationship with him.

One of the dumbest thing I ever did was think I guy who broke it off with me during New Year's eve was actually my "soulmate". He thought we were just "fooling around" and didn't want a relationship, after I handed him a gift for New Year's eve. I was devastated and was naive enough to believe a con artist posed as a psychic said he was in fact my soulmate but told me my love life was cursed. In order to get him back she would have to rid the curse for me. I believed her because I was desperate and my love life was so bad it did seemed like I was cursed, as stupid as that sounds. To make a long story short, I realized she was a scam artist when police records showed she used the same technique to scam other girls. She put me in $40,000 of debt and I only recovered a part of the money from her before she skipped town.

Needless to say I felt stupid and fell into deep depression. Years later I still couldn't get that guy out of my head as hard as I tried. I would dream about him constantly. I couldn't get any peace of mind and was going about to lose it. I went to a clinic to ask a counselor for help. I told her what happened. She asked me to stop suppressing my thoughts and feelings about the guy because the more I push away my feelings the more it would push back. She advised me to allow myself to think about him, in order to give myself time to get over it. She also told me until I pay off the debt, I would always think about him but it would remind me of what happened.

I eventually paid off all my debt. I think the reason I was so hung up on him was the fact that I was afraid of being single for the rest of my life and afraid I would never find a guy like him. When I stopped being afraid and learn to accept I might never find someone and be okay with that, I found peace in mind and stopped dreaming of him and thinking of him. Of course I can never forget the guy, unless I have anmesia but I don't long for him any more or constantly think about him in a way that would interfere with my life, like it did before. I realized I was just infatuated and lonely at the time.

I always thought there was something wrong with me that I ended up with jerks all the time. Perhaps I was naive or just stupid. I thought my first boyfriend cheated on me because I didn't fulfill his needs or did something to drive him away. Other guys I was with said I was too affectionate, some said I was too needy because I called them all the time and would buy them gifts. I admit I'm emotional and overly sensitive person. I'm also very affectionate towards my partners and like to call them alot. My friends say I shouldn't do that and this because it shows I'm needy or desperate. When I restrained my urges to be affectionate and hold back from not calling or do the things I normally would do for a guy I liked, I didn't feel like myself any more.

I decided to just be me and if that scared guys away so be it. People and especially my friends would tell me I had to follow all these rules in order to keep an guy interested. Like you shouldn't offer to pay for dates, or call him back the next day or do this and that. I was mostly critized for me so honest with my feelings and for being so affectionate. I'm a touchy feely person. LOL. Some of the guys I'm with said it was too much for them. I did it any way because that's just what I do. When I started dating my current boyfriend I didn't tell anyone about it because I didn't want to deal with "Oh my God, you should of done this" I was sick of people giving me their advice when I didn't ask for it. And I didn't want to deal with all that pressure and give updates to people about my love life. I was myself and broke rules like offering to pay on our dates, bought him gifts, called him all the time, kissed and touched him all the time, and told him how I honestly felt about him.

I did change one thing about myself. I lowered my expectations in terms of where the relationship will go. So if something goes wrong, I would be somewhat prepared. But to my surprise, he called me every day like he said he would, he appreciated the person I was. He loves that I'm so affectionate because he's affectionate himself and he likes to hear how I feel about him. He doesn't mind that I'm emotional and overly sensitive. Everything went well because we suit each other well and didn't play mind games. I'm glad I didn't follow all those stupid rules and just be myself. If things didn't go well, it justs means we're simply not right for one another.

If you are loyal to your partner and were yourself in a relationship, and for some reason it doesn't work, it's no one's fault that it didn't work. It just mean that you guys are not right for one another. If you're with someone who likes a partner that is passive, soft spoken and neat and you're the complete opposite, then the relationship may not work. You shouldn't alter who you are to make someone like you. A good relationship takes compromise and communication, not a personality change from a partner. You can ask your partner to try to work with you on issues in a relationship and come to a compromise, such not being able spend more time together due to work schedules. But if the problem is your partner, for example the problem is that he's physically/verbally abusive and has a habit of cheating, then needless to say you got to give your partner the boot.

You should work on a relationship but you shouldn't work to "fix" or change your partner. We want to be in a relationship because we feel companionship will make us feel happier than being single. But if you're less happy being in a relationship than when you were single, why would you stay in the relationship? Life is too short. Don't stay in something or do things that makes you unhappy. Don't let anyone take away your joy. If you can get rid of things that makes you unhappy in life, why not? That way you can make room for things that do make you happy! =) P.S. Sorry I know this is like a super long message. You must be bored half to sleep by now. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:00pm
Let me tell you a story,,,its about my first love... i m happily married now but i still cant forget my first love. This is a fact.. there r some things that happens and it would change yr life forever. U will forgive him and move on eventually.. but you will never be able to forget him. Even if he is a jerk!! Somehow our mind would choose to remember only the good things..as time pass, your wound will be heal and you will meet someone much more deserving than him but you will always always remember him.. Good luck my friend.. in the meantime..just try to go out , socialize more and have fun fun fun.. life goes on..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:56pm

You know what they say - love hurts. There is a real element of suffering if things don't work out or go smoothly.

Stay away from MySpace.

You can use your experience (however painful it might be) as a compass and guide for future relationships. I think you'll be able to figure out more quickly if your future relationships are meaningful and headed in right direction or not. With some common sense, never again will you be stuck in a dead end relationship.

If it sounds like I've been there, it's because I have been there. And I'm better for it. Have a nice day!

DP. :-)

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Relationships aren't that complicated. Really.