About to be jilted, I think

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
About to be jilted, I think
9
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 8:21am

Hi ladies,

I haven't visited these boards for a couple of years. At that time I was dealing with the breakup of my first love. I received much support here--and the final irony of that situation is that my ex came out of the closet about six months after my breakup (I found out nine months after that). I apologize in advance for the length of this.

Cut to last June: a friend sets me (I'm 31) up with a friend of his from work (he's 34), and there's a connection of some kind right away. So we start dating--long distance. BF is clearly pursuing me; we travel to see each other every 2-3 weeks. He begins introducing me to his closest friends; I am introducing him to my friends. (After my last dating experience, I don't trust my own judgment completely so I seek the input of my close friends--every last one of which is impressed with, and very much likes, BF). He and I have an easy comfort with one another--like we've known each other much longer than a few months. He likes my friends and I like his. Many of his friends, without prompting, vouch for what a quality guy he is.

Cut to Nov. I had been in a short-term job in my city that was ending in Nov and as I job hunted, I ended up having 3 offers in front of me: 2 overseas, 1 in BF's city. BF said me taking an overseas job wasn't reason to him to stop dating, but otherwise he stayed out of my decision process (wanting the decision to be truly mine and not swayed by his views). I end up accepting the job in his city--it's a great job, I have lived in his city before and have friends and family there, and the bonus is that we can stop the long-distance thing and see if we really have a relationship to build on. My decision, right?

As soon as I arrive in town he starts acting weird. More distant. Not calling as much, not making plans as much. Despite this, he comes on a trip with me for my parents' 40th anniversary party, and on New Year's Eve, which we spent with friends of his in Florida, he tells the whole group that one of the highlights of our relationship was the trip for my parents. Where he was great, and everybody loved him.

But he continued acting distant and weird. I finally asked what was going on, and he said he was "taking a step back to be objective about us and our compatibility." I was too surprised and upset to really press him for what he meant by this. He apologized for sending me mixed signals; later in the day he was even more apologetic and was trying to make up with me, saying, "I'm sorry for our miscommunication. Let's just take things one day at at a time."

But the distant/weird behavior continued the next day, and the next, to the point where I wasn't sure if I should call him. At that point, I decided we couldn't continue like this--it wasn't healthy, for either one of us. So I called him at work one morning and suggested we take a 2-week break to sort things out. No pressure to call or hang out together, but it seemed like he needed some time, and I didn't want to be confused about how to act with him. I made a point of telling him that he didn't need to have it figured out for me after 2 weeks; I just hoped he would be able to talk to me more about what was bothering him because it was very confusing to me.

Cut to now: the two weeks was up on Tuesday. He's emailed me several times, ostensibly to figure out a time to get together, but then he keeps canceling every tentative plan we make. He hasn't picked up the phone once to call. His reason (excuse?): a deal at work that has had him flying back and forth to NYC all week. Yesterday, in frustration, I called him up and left a message (not surprised he didn't pick up) saying it seemed to be getting complicated to plan by email, so how about he give me a call when he has a moment and we'll figure out if/when to get together.

No response yet.

So. I have reached the conclusion that he wants to break up but lacks the nerve/maturity/whatever to do it. I've already started mourning the loss of this relationship. Am I right to take this attitude?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 1:50pm

It doesn't sound good...so I think you are right to be emotionally prepared for that possibility. However, TRY to remain open to what he has to say, and not put words in his mouth. Hear him out, and then decide what is best for YOU.

This is one of my biggest fears in my LDR...that no matter how long we date before we live in the same city, one or both of us will decide we aren't compatible once we live in the same place. I'm sorry that has happened to you, but it is a risk inherent in LDRs, and I hope that your decision to move is one you can be happy with even if things don't work out with him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 01-23-2005 - 4:09pm

Thanks for your words of wisdom, Sheri. I've done the LDR thing before, so I didn't want to do it again, because of the very risk you mentioned. But I figured sooner or later we would be in the same city, and better to know early if we're not compatible, than to date for a year or more and then find out. How far into your LDR are you?

The good part, for me, is that I know I can be happy and have a full life here without this relationship. I've lived in "his" city for more than 8 years, so it's actually almost more my city than my boyfriend's! We just happened to meet when I was living in the OTHER city I've spent a fair amount of time living in in the last decade.

Even though I've reassured him that my move here wasn't solely for him and I'm not looking for him to be my everything, he doesn't seem reassured. Something else seems to be going on. I want to be open, but I trust actions more than words. And his actions tell me he's wanting out of this thing. It's really hard for me to envision other plausible explanations. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 12:11am

Hey Sheri,

Now that I think about it, I'm surprised you didn't give me some version of "he's just not that into you." It seems like the obvious answer, doesn't it?

The pieces *almost* fit together to tell that story...til you add in the part where BF's best friend told me that the BF had mentioned nothing to him about breaking up with me, only that he had been looking forward to seeing me again and that he had to go to NYC for work. It's bizarre. Still preparing for something bad, but maybe not as bad as I thought? Weird.




Edited 1/28/2005 12:27 am ET ET by course11
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 10:41am

Well, it does sound from your original post like he may have decided the two of you aren't a match now that you're living in the same city.

What happened with the plans to talk after the two week break? Have you had the talk yet?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:10am

We haven't talked yet! He has been stuck in NYC since last Saturday for work--some nights working til midnight. He just emailed to say he's back in town so I'm hoping we'll get together this weekend.

The waiting has been the worst part. At this point, part of me will feel relief if he does want to break up...because at least I'll finally know. I've been waiting for that shoe to drop for almost two weeks. Of course, that's not what I want, but I guess you don't always get what you want, do you?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:18am

I hope you do get to talk this weekend! The waiting has to be the worst. As I said in my first post, try to be in as open a listening mode as you can be, and don't project or put words into his mouth (I know anxiety sometimes causes me to do that).

Let us know how it goes...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 01-29-2005 - 10:05am

Jilted. Done. Through. It's over.

We talked last night. His feelings have changed. That's pretty much the whole story. According to him, he's still attracted to me, I still have the 'resume' of the kind of woman he's looking for, he still cares for me, but for some reason he just feels more toward me as a friend than as a romantic partner.

That this coincided with my decision to move to his city seems somewhat suspicious/telling, esp when he couldn't identify any THING that had happened or any reason why his feelings changed. But what do I know.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 7:26pm

I'm sorry to hear that.

It could just be that was the amount of time it took for him to figure out that he didn't think you were right for each other. LDRs are tricky...you can't use the usual time rules of thumb, because you're not spending time together in person, in your regular (i.e., not just weekend) life, on a regular basis.

I hope you are still excited about being where you moved to and this just turns out to be a small bump in the road of life.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:44am

Here's the thing....people that date you long distance, have no "feelings or thoughts" about your relocation......here's what you can conclude.

They love the "idea of a relationship" - lots of people think 'realtionship" there is all sorts of undefined, warm fuzzy feelings and associations with it. We'll have brunch while reading the paper and smile at one another with love........I'll have someone to wake up to each day that will make me that special toast and eggs.

Daily interaction is NOTHING like that......on a regular basis. It's two people with obligations, routines, needs, and requirements and goals...that are now having to consider the needs, expectations, and obligations ofosmoene else in equality with thier own. Relationship is compromise, concession, and communication...and the ONLY positive benefit is "enhancement" if you have a partner that shares your views on life, your values, your "reuirements" of interaction and your modus operandi of handling life...so that youhave lots of trust and harmony and reassurance - in teh vast amount of time that someone is "required" to consider you - that you are not present to make sure that your "voice is heard".

So, he didn't want a "daily great relationship"... a long distance relationship is like an affair. You either put off, ignore, or take care of "real life" priorto this person arriving on Friday night...where there is a great supper, or a great event, or a highly prioritized "them" that they arrive to (or you arrive to).

What lots of people do.......and my dad said this very well. The more you enjoy being who you are and are confident and secure in who you are - the more you enjoy other people, and the less you need them, thus the more objective you are about them.

The more that you dislike being "who you are" - the longer you put off "growing up" and getting on with the obligations and responsibliities that actuallymake life worth living and so much easier to live. YOu want to do "all the fun stuff now' - before you're settled into some dull routine, and find yourself with a ball and chain called "a relationship".

Thos people tend to have "ideal mates" - they have this person that is responsible,mature, goal focused, emotionally balanced, financially stable....which detracts from the spontanety and fun at times, and it vastly changes the definition of "fun" at all times....they want that person "when they growup"...but they're putting that off as LONG as humanly possible. And that is evident by how little true success, security, status, and happiness they have an independent person.

The reality of aging is that you can't put off hearing about retirement funds, medical benefits, IRA's, and those around you beginto prioritize professional advancement and possessions.....none of which you have or want......except to "fit in" you need to appear to prioritize these things as well. It's not uncommon to "want what you don't have"...and provided it never shows up on the door, wrapped in a box, yours for the taking - you can appear to fit in by externally professing to want what they all want...while in reality only wanting it if it would mean no change in your current priorities or requirements, but might up your options and convenience.

So, you're the ideal woman that when he decides that life is about no fun, no frills, no creativity, no enjoymet...he wants to be "saddled with" - so like a workhouse you can put your nose to the plow and hoe him a nice row of crops called savings accounts, IRA's, and houses and cars....but he wants no part of you in terms of ownership...until he's absolutely certain there is no little filly horse out there that wants to come along and go for a gallop and "see where that leads for awhile".

It'snot that he's wanting "another woman" - it's that he wants "his youth"...and you represent his "old age".

In an affair envirnment, it was fine. Because you externally allowed him to appear to be wanting all the right things and headed in the right direction...but once you're "Here" you now represent him having to consider you equally with himself, and truly prioritize and desire what it is he's claimed to want and doesn't have...which is NOT where he's at, at this time.

Anytime that someone is willing to "settle" for long-distance.......and even pursues you knowing distance exists from the beginning....as a rule, they are NOT wanting a daily interactive relationship. They might settle for it - if there is lots of time, space, travel and options involved where relatively speaking - you see each other infrequently during the course of the week, while investing and involving completely in this person - that demands alot of personal independence and trust of their character, which is hard to establish until a LONG time has been spent in dating, even without distance involved.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com