abusive ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
abusive ex
1
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 11:37am

I hope someone can help me sort through my feelings of guilt.

My boyfriend dumped me on Christmas eve. I already posted the story, so I won`t get into details.

I think I was just addicted to this guy for some reason. He was a bad boy who thinks he is Gods gift. Yeah, he is attractive, and says all the right things when it suits him, but his personality sucks.

When I am honest with myself I think he was abusive to his 3 kids. I let this man do these things in my house, and in front of my kids. He could be sitting there just fine watching t.v., and then all of the sudden he would fly off the couch and start smacking one of his kids. He would feel guilty sometimes, and give them a hug, but it never stopped. One time his youngest was in the back seat of his truck making noise, and he was mad he wouldn`t stop and reached back and started slugging him. He then stopped his truck and got out and threw up. It`s like he hated himself for losing it, but not enough to stop it.

He was mad at his daughter a few weeks ago and flew off the couch and started smacking her and called her a "stupid little b____".

I know he loves them, but he has no control over his temper. What is wrong with me that I allowed this to happen in my home?? How could I sit back and accept this?? I am filled with guilt. The kid`s are to little to know better..6, 7, and 10. Their mom lives in another state with her new husband and baby.

He has been turned in to child services two times before, but nothing ever came of it, as in they couldn`t prove anything. He always told me it was just ex girlfriends trying to get revenge on him.

I am pretty sure he has someone new in his life, and actually almost feel sorry for them. They will find out his true colors..he can`t hide them for long. I honestly don`t think he is capable of having a long term loving relationship. With me I think he just wanted someone to watch his kids, among other things. I let him use me and treat me like crap. I should have known better. He came into my life when I was very vulnerable and I loved being in a relationship.

Should I just let it go...or should I turn him in. I know it wouldn`t do any good, and I would just be the wronged ex trying to get back at him. If he has someone else he wouldn`t do anything in front of them, and I don`t think he would let it go to far.

What do you guys think??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: kelekas7
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 5:06pm

I'm not sure how to advise you regarding reporting your ex's abuse of his kids, so maybe I shouldn't post. I'll say this, though - I grew up in an abusive home, in a small town. And everyone knew. I remember being locked outside, literally told to sleep in the yard, huddled up against the house and crying. And the neighbor opened her window, whispered to me, asked if I was okay, and then just shut her window and went to sleep. Teachers who saw me with bruises, or who noticed I'd performed poorly on a test when I was normally a straight-A student, would just let me leave class and spend some time in the library, or give me extra credit work. But no one ever called the police. Concerned or not, good-intentioned or not, no one who "helped" me or showed concern for me did anything to make a difference or stop the abuse. As a kid, it was all I'd ever known, and I considered it absolutely normal for my parents to "discipline" me as they did. Other adults knew it wasn't right. They had a moral obligation to do something about it. I know I couldn't sleep at night if I believed abuse was occurring and I didn't at least report it to someone who could investigate. That's my two cents. Of course, your report would have had more credibility immediately after the incidents happened and before you broke up with your ex, which does probably taint your report with that psycho ex-girlfriend issue. Good luck with your decision.

On a related issue - men who abuse their children, or show road rage, or start fights with other men, aren't generally "specialists." An abusive personality is an abusive personality. I think you should explore whether you were the victim of emotional abuse in the relationship, even if he never hit you. Your comment that it was like you were addicted to him and you compromised your values while with him strongly suggests that he emotionally manipulated you, and you will not truly get over this breakup until you also address the impact of long-term emotional abuse as well. Here's a link, maybe something here will strike a cord. http://www.obgyn.net/women/features/signs.htm