ADVICE! ADVICE! ADVICE!
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-03-2005 - 4:05pm |
i'm confused, my ex and i broke up this summer b/c he cheated on me. in an attempt to put closure on the situation and move on, i sent him a good bye letter. well, he read the letter and this morning we talked about the things that were in the letter, everything was going fine until i found out that he's still talking to her, even though he told me that they were on the outs. at the time i didn't question what he meant b/c i thought that they were over. he told me that he's trying to end the relationship the right way, and the only reason its taken him so long is b/c he doesn't want to be alone. i told him that he would have never had to think about that if he wouldn't have cheated. he told me that the reason he wants it to be over w/her is b/c he doesn't see a future w/her. he wants us to establish a friendship and try to build back our trust. how can we do that if he still wants to communicate w/her knowing how i feel about it?
i told him that i couldn't be his friend b/c it hurts to know that she's in the picture. he responded by saying fine, that he's not going to sweat me to be my friend. i never wanted him to sweat me to be my friend, i just want him to understand that it will be hard for me to talk to him and pretend that everythings normal knowing that its not. i told him that i didn't think he was trying hard enough to make any real changes in his life. he remained quiet.
in all honesty i still love him but i'm scared b/c i dont know exactly what's going on w/him. i try to approach the situation calmly, but it just makes me mad as hell when he talks about her. it feels like he's playing games w/my heart. i just don't know what to do, if given the chance/opportunity i would truly want to work it out, but i can't help to think if it will all be worth it in the end.
i still love him, sometimes i'm sad that we've been together for 5 yrs and nothing has amounted out of it. i told him that i want to work it out. i just need him to show me that he wants the same. i'm not sure how i should say what i want and be as firm as possible w/out coming across as controlling - any suggestions? or if, i should just continue on the road of recovery and leave both him and the situation where it belongs -in the past. any advice?

So you broke up this summer because he cheated on you. You wrote him a good-bye letter when? Here in December/January near six months later? This morning you talked about what was in the letter? Have you been in contact since you broke up or did he just call out of nowhere?
"he told me that he's trying to end the relationship the right way"
Yeah, that's a bunch of s**t. You know from painful personal experience that he doesn't give a rats ass about ending things the right way, or else he would have broken up with you BEFORE hooking up with newgirl.
"i told him that i couldn't be his friend b/c it hurts to know that she's in the picture. he responded by saying fine, that he's not going to sweat me to be my friend. i never wanted him to sweat me to be my friend"
What does that mean!? He's not going to sweat you? What's sweaty about being friends? Unless I misunderstand, it sounds like he just told you that you weren't worth the effort(sweat) of being friends with.
"we've been together for 5 yrs and nothing has amounted out of it."
This, along with the CHEATING, are humungus flaming red flags. Five years and it didn't go anywhere but another womans bed!? Why do you want this lousy excuse for a man again?
Since he doesn't seem to be willing to put in the work to win you back, when he was CLEARLY the party at fault, I don't think he's worth it. If you settle for getting back with him without much effort on his part, you set up a situation where he'll be able to treat you anyway that he feels like once y'all get back together. Also, if he's even approaching you to reconcile, he should be very prepared to kick homegirl to the curb (actually, he should have already done this) if for no other reason than to demonstrate that he's serious about making things work out.
I know five years is a long time and that six months is not long enough to get over the hurt that is there. Also, I'm not sure if you want to be with someone who admits that they stay with people out of fear of being alone. It's better to be with someone who's comfortable in their own skin...not looking for to another person to make them feel whole. There are times in relationships that we all feel alone or distant...if he feels that way in a relationship with you again, what's to say he won't stray from you a second time? He's building in an excuse for the future. I say skip it.
Lastly, if he's willing to "cheat" on her while mending things with you, he's obviously comfortable with being deceitful (even though you know the deal, the other girl doesn't). Multitasking is effective in a lot of places, but not as far as relationships are concerned. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and you alone, and not just because he's lonely, but because he loves you with ALL his heart.
thank you both for some very powerful words of wisdom. I've tried to be his friend, I've tried talking it out, but nothing seems to get us anywhere. You are both right, when you say that he's not willing to face the consequences of his actions, and until he does there will never be a future for us.
to be honest, i'm tired, i no longer want to make things work w/him. i'm still young (24) and like my mother said, its better to know now than 10 yrs down the road. 6 mths is a really long time to be constantly going back and forth on this subject, and quite frankly i'm ready to get off the ride.
i won't pretend that i wont miss him/think about him but the last 6 mths have been nothing but bad memories. the only thing that he's shown me, is how great of a liar he is, and a world class sneak.
i felt refreshed this morning, just by the mere thought that i don't have to wonder if he's lying, his whereabouts, who he's talking too (unlike her). i have a peace of mind and that's far more important than trying to reconcile w/him.
the love that we had is gone, too much has happend for things to get back on track. i'll never be able to look at him and do the things that i used to do w/him again.
NC is the best solution, sad to say it, but it is...
thank you both once again!
Hi there,
I was happy to read your last post.....NC is the way to go.
This man/boy/child is no longer worth your time. You'll have moments of doubts but try to remain strong. And focus on the new opportunity before you...You now have the opportunity to meet the love of you life!
Best of luck w/everything. Stay strong and do your best to forget about him.
Take care!