advice! do I ever have a chance again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2007
advice! do I ever have a chance again?
11
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 11:22am

Someone help me!!!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 11:47am

You have to breathe ... and LET GO.

Leave him totally alone. The more you nag, the more you stalk, the more you communicate with him through other people, the more he will be running away and staying away from you.

One thing I've learned is that you can never force someone to think differently or to be with you. Would you even WANT to be with someone who didn't on his own free will want to be with you as well?

He seems very immature in that he doesnt return your phone calls, ignores you, one day tells you he loves you and the next says he doesn't. I would go crazy in a relationship like that! I couldn't handle someone who showed me through actions and words that he was in love with me only half of the time. You deserve more. Why chase after a guy who said it to your face that he has fallen out of love with you? Believe me, one can never force another person to be in love with them. It's not real.

I really hope you realize that doing things like nagging him about coming back, or showing up at his friend's house, is NOT the way to go if you want him back, or if you want to look back and say, "Well, I think I'm proud of the way I handled this situation."

You deserve so much more. Don't give him the satisfaction that you're completely broken up inside because of him. Don't contact him, start doing things for yourself, let him be and don't give him any excuse to make him think that you're crazy.

And after things have calmed down and you've gotten over him, then maybe you both can be civil friends..

Good luck and keep posting here instead of venting to him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 12:56pm
i know the best thing to do is move on! but I can't let it go..how could he tell me he loves me then 2 days later he breaks up with me,,,first he says he needs his space...then he says its over forever...do you think hes going crazy bc i keep nagging? do you think maybe if i fall off the face of the earth and have no contact with anyone he associates with he'll maybe realize what a jerk he was
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 2:23pm

I feel for you. I understand this frantic pain that you're going through. I've been there. When you are totally confused as to what happened, and you know it can work because your guy has shown you how much he loves you why is he not trying? and blah blah blah. Oh I've been there and I know others have been there.
So, your confusion is normal.

My ex would be great and loving, and say he loves me then the next day dumps me. It's all a build up, even though you can't know what he's thinking, I'm sure he's felt like this on and off for a while.

If he says he's fallen out of love for you, you're going to have to believe it and give him the space he says he wants. What good is it going to do if you nag him constantly when all he's saying is "I don't want to be with you." You're not going to get the answers or the closure you want. It's a sad realization but it is inevitable.

Yes I do think you're driving him crazy with your nagging.

Maybe he will someday realize he was a jerk, but maybe not.

I recommend highly that you try to move on. I know it's hard, but really think about it, you're driving him away. If you try to take back control of yourself and move on, he'll have space to think about what happened. Right now you're always in his face and he can't breathe and stop and think about what's going on, cause you're always there!

And maybe he won't think about things clearly if you're gone. But that's just something you'll have to accept. In the meantime, I would stop calling him, stop talking to his friends, and stop forcing him to talk to you.

Guys are confused beings! It's not our job to make up their minds about things.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 3:32pm

Welcome to the board tats212,


I hope you take the advice you've been given already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 3:57pm

It doesn't matter what he said 2 days before

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 12:07am

You ARE going crazy. If someone stalked me at my friends' house, nagged at me constantly, and had their mother bug me about getting back together, I'd think they were pretty off their rocker too. In terms of no contact, listen to the advice that's being doled out. A lot of it is from doing months of all the wrong things.

Be it indicative of the future or not, get it through your head, HE DOESN'T WANT YOU BACK. It doesn't matter if it's true or not, but starting from this point onward, he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It means he doesn't want to talk to you, so don't nag at him anymore. He's a big boy - he'll either come around or not, but he'll manage by himself.

And don't worry - you're not the first girl who's had their boyfriend do this "I love you, i want you forever" the day before they get dumped. The only thing that means ANYTHING right now is the fact that he dumped you. Your rationalization at this moment is that you're hoping his "I love you" from 2 weeks before somehow means he made an awful mistake. And maybe he did. But every time you nag at him, stalk him, and have your mom beg on your behalf, you cement the idea that the break up was a good thing in his mind. And regardless of whether or not you want to some day be on a conversational basis with him, you're in no shape to do it now.

So relax, do some no contact, go nag at your teddy bear when you feel the urge, but don't do ANYTHING that has anything to do with him.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2007
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 12:43pm

he is so used to be running back to him, i think he keeps pushing my buttons to make me run back b/c he is very insecure..he tells me he hates me and how much he wants to be with me yet we still have contact?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 1:11pm

Tats212,


You are used to being treated this way, so therefore, you are kind of comfortable with the cycle the two of you have gone through.


You can only focus on you, your healing and make changes in yourself that will improve your future relationships (whether or not it's with him).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 1:51pm
I'm in the same boat as you! I did the desperate plea, wrote him letters, texted him,c alled him numerous times trying to remind him that we're good for each other, but he said he's already made up his mind. I thought if I kept trying he would come back, but he said I was smothering him. Even then I didn't listen and still tried to talk to him. I even saw him twice after the breakup, and I tried so hard when we saw each other. I wish I never talked to him after breakup day 1, but at least now I know that I tried and I've done all I could. It's been over three weeks now, and he still doesn't want me back. It's slowly hitting me that he just doesnt want me at all, and that's the most painful part. The more time passes, the more I have to realize that he doesn't want to be with me. I'm trying to heal, but I always have that hope in the back of my mind that he'll come back to me. It's so confusing and emotionally draining, I can't even stop crying. But I come on this board and I try to listen to people's advice and it really does help. So if it's one thing you learned, I hope that you will NOT contact him. He'll wonder what happened and will finally begin to miss you. That's what I'm trying to do (except I responded to his instant message twice, but I'm trying to keep it simple and stay away from him). I hope that helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2007
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 2:21pm
I KNOW, I GO THRU THESE UPS AND DOWNS..I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE IS OVER ITS HORRIBLE! I DONT WANNA EAT I DONT WANNA SLEEP! I CANT EVEN GO A DAY WITHOUT TEXTIN HIM, I TEXT HIM GOOD THINGS THEN HE IGNORES ME THEN I TEXT HIM BAD THINGS! IT'S CRAZY......DO YOU REALLY THINK LETTING HIM GO COMPELTELY WITH GET HIS MIND TOGETHER AND MAKE HIM REALIZE MAYBE WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG AND WANNA COME BACK TO ME? HOW DO I KNOW IF ITS OVER FOREVER, HE KEEPS TELLIN ME HE DOESNT WANNA BE WITH ME! I EVEN FOUND OUT HE WAS TRYIN TO CONTACT HIS EX BEFORE ME!!! IDK IF HES TRYIN TO GET BACK WITH HER OR MAYBE

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