advice greatly appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
advice greatly appreciated
1
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:47pm
I met someone online back in Jan. He lives about 3 hours away, in the state that I grew up in and am moving back to this summer (note - I've been planning to move since the Fall and he was aware of this). Anyway, we clicked when we met, and although we both work very demanding schedules (his much worse than mine; 80 hour weeks typical)...we make time when we can to chat and email...usually several days/week, which was fine w/ me b/c of our lifestyles. Even though we didn't talk every day, I slowly seemed to care more and more about him, and we planned wkend visits about every 3-4 weeks. Last month was my bday, and he surprised me with a wkend getaway trip. I always believed he felt the same about me (was slowly caring more and more, and not interested in seeing/meeting anyone else)...& on the bday wkend I decided I wanted to have sex. I thought I was ready, but I don't think I was, and/or I regret not bringing up an exclusivity talk beforehand. We both have only slept with a handful of ppl, and they have always been serious relationships. He has been especially busy with work the past few weeks, has been sick, and has some stressful personal matters going on right now, so we've only talked about 1/week. It's made me a little nervous and has made me wonder if he is seeing other ppl (which yes I know we never discussed being exclusive)...but I just really felt that we were one the same page and only interested in seeing each other. So these thoughts were building up in me, and I brought it up this past Tuesday, very late at night on the phone. It was incredibly bad timing, as before I brought it up he confided in me all of these things that have him stressed out, and I wasn't sure whether or not to bring it up, but it was really stressing me out so I decided to mention it to him. He said that he is not seeing anyone else, but hasn't really thought about us being "in a relationship" b/c of the long distance. He said that doesn't mean it will never happen, but there are just a lot of unknowns right now (I'm not sure what town I'll be moving to, my job, etc.)..he said that he was glad I brought it up, but honestly he felt like he was in a bad frame of mind to really discuss it b/c it was so late and he was so overloaded. He said that he would want to talk about it again. I understood everything he said, and although it wasn't 100% what I wanted to hear, I thought it was reasonable to not want to start anything serious w/ me still out of state. So, the very next day I got a great job offer which solidified where I will be moving (closer to him) and I was so excited. I emailed him and told him, and he wrote back right away that he thought it was great news. We still haven't talked though, and I am hesitant to call him b/c I feel so badly about bringing up my concerns the other night. I know I have a right to share my feelings, but I can't stop thinking about how poor the timing was, and how I'm scared maybe I added sort of the last straw to his stress load, and now he is seeing me as yet another stress. I don't think I've asked a really direct question, so it may be hard to give advice, but I would really appreciate any thoughts on this.....thank you so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 2:55pm

Welcome to the board eten,


It's easy to have 'hindsight' after the fact.