Advice Needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Advice Needed
5
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 10:08am
My boyfriend of over a year told me this weekend that he wanted to take a 'break'. He was pretty specific that we are not breaking up but he needs some time to figure things out. He says that this will make our relationship better in the future. During this 'break' we are still dating but we have the option to date other people. He is younger than I am and we have discussed the topic of marriage but lately he has been having feelings of doubt and curiosity. I love him to death and know that he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. It has been really hard on me these past couple of days because I have been trying to figure out how to deal with this. How do we go on dating without the commitment after we have been through so much? Don't get me wrong...I want to see him....I love him....but I just don't know how to make him realize that he should not be scared about taking the next step with me. Any advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: jent15
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 4:10pm

So he doesn't want to break up, but he wants to date other people so he can figure things out. That way, he still gets to have sex with you, but is no longer required to give anything you need or want in the relatioship back because he's not obligated as the BF. And you're going to go along with this why? Doubts mean no. You have no doubts. Your answer is yes you are TheOne. He has doubts because he doesn't feel that you are TheOne.

"I just don't know how to make him realize that he should not be scared about taking the next step with me."

You can't make him see. He has to come to that on his own. But why would you want someone that you have to convince to be with you? Why do you want someone who is so convinced that there is somebody "better" than you out there for him that he wants a break to find her? Why wouldn't you rather have a man who is convinced that there is NObody out there more perfect for him than you are?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jent15
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 8:31pm

Uh, yeah, the old wants his cake and eat it too routine! Pardon me if I'm a little *skeptical* about this. Sounds great for HIM, not so much for you!

I'd tell him that a "break" doesn't work for you but that you'd be delighted to hear from him if and when he makes up his mind that he is ready to make a real commitment to you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
In reply to: jent15
Tue, 01-11-2005 - 11:08pm
A month ago my boyfriend told me he wanted a "break"...we are now broken up. I forced the issue and said that I wanted a "yes, I want to be with you" or a no. A day later he came to me and said he was only holding on because he didn't want to hurt me and we broke up. When I asked how long he would've broken up with me if I hadn't pressed the issue he said probably not, that he would've continued to drag it out. A week later I am beginning to believe the torture of the break was worse than the break up (don't get me wrong, breaking up is horrible but at least its an answer). Also, I had a past experience with a "break" which just meant he wanted to have me waiting around for him while he dated other people. Lastly, I introduced a break in the past as well - and I was really just trying not to hurt him when I discovered I wanted to see other people.
I suppose my point is that in my experience a break is never just a break. Press the issue with him about what he hopes to accomplish with this break, or set a time limit for how long you'll deal with this uncertainty, maybe protect yourself somewhat by keeping the intimacy to a minimum. You deserve an answer, he owes you that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
In reply to: jent15
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 12:09am

My boyfriend of 2 and a half years recently broke up with me. Last July he suprised me one day by wanting to go on a break. I accepted it without question. Figured he needed time and space to figure things out. In November, he suprised me by wanting to break up. He called me the next day saying he made a mistake. We got back together. In December, he suprised me yet again, by wanting to break up again. His reasons every time were that he was not sure about me or about our future. Trust me when I say, you do NOT want to be with someone who is not sure of you and who has doubts. I let him hurt me 3 times, and looking back, I should have stopped after one.

Like you I thought I could make him see how wonderful love is, how great our relationship is, how perfect taking "the next step" could be. I tried for nearly the entire relationship. It didn't work. It can't work. You can't make him see anything.

Ask yourself this, do you really want to be with someone who doubts you? Do you want to wake up every day not knowing if suddenly he'll run scared and leave you? He had doubts once, who's to say they won't come back? Everytime we got back together I thought his doubts were gone. He led me to believe they were gone. I could not learn. I didn't see what was happening in front of my own face. I should have had more self respect than I did to go back to him every time.

Now I think, how amazing will it be to be with someone who never questions our relationship? Someone who knows for certain they want to take the next step with me? Someone I can trust will be there no matter what?

I can't wait to find out, and you deserve to know what that's like too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
In reply to: jent15
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 9:53am
Thanks for all the advice. I do appreciate it and know that you all know how hard this time is. I am still trying to figure out how to handle everything. I do want to still see him and it has been hard not talking to him everyday like we used to. Right now I am just playing it by ear. I am not letting him make all the decisions on how this is going to work. I have put an end to us chatting all day because when we do that it makes it seem like nothing is different. If he wants this break it is going to have to be a break. I have only talked to him for about 5 minutes total since the break. It has been hard for me not to call him but I have managed not to do it. I guess I want him to see what it is like with me not around so he can figure out what he wants. I am still hoping and praying it all works out.