advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2005
advice please!
5
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:30pm

My boyfriend of three and a half years and I broke up last week. It was a lot of culmination, but still very sad. After only a few days he began sending me e-mails. I asked him what he wanted because it hurt to talk to him. He showed up at my door that week and told me he thought we made a big mistake. We had plans for our future, were practically engaged, and already discussed children and where to live ect... -But somewhere along the way this last year we've been unhappy and fighting a lot. He told me he'd put the ball in my court if I wanted to contact him.
I hate this. I want to talk to him so much, but I don't. Should I? I miss our life and our the intimacy of sharing your every thought and emotion. I thought we were getting married, what now?
Do I e-mail him, or do I let it pass?

Confused

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 12:01am

Only you can answer this one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:41am

geniegirl,

although i agree with deneecie's thread regarding the possibility and option of reconciling... at the same time, i also think that what you are going through is verrryyy normal for a breakup...

in my opinion, following a parting is usually a "panic" stage and a "did i do the right thing" and "wait, i change my mind" phases.. this would often explain why couples often get back together after a breakup...

however, just because you are feeling that - does not necessarily mean that you should reunite with your ex, and that it will work out this time around...

thus, id recommend you "stick it out" longer... if it was meant to be - then it will be... so at least, let this confused and panic stage run its course and realize that its OK to be upset over a breakup!!... once thats through, if reconciling should happen - then itll feel more concrete and it will occur...

goodluck,
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 11:05am

Without knowing more about you or your relationship, I can't tell you what would be the better course of action would be. What I can tell you is that without having a definite plan of what you will do differently the next time around and being very committed to following through on things, the same problems are going to keep reoccuring over and over again.

I had a good friend who had a boyfriend and from very on their relationship, they assumed that they were going to get married someday. After about two years of being together, they started having problems and my friend started wanting to break up with him. Well, to make a long story short, for the next several years, they broke up and got back together dozens of time. Each time she was away from him, she'd start to miss him and go running back to him just because she felt lonely. They ended up getting married, and she was even more miserable being married to him than she was when she was dating. And even then, they kept breaking up and getting back together again. So when she could have just stayed away from him the first time she'd broken up with him and given herself several months or a year to get over it. Instead, she ended up prolonging the loneliness to six more years.

As somebody else has pointed out, the type of feelings you're experiencing are normal after a break-up, especially when you shared a dream of spending the future with somebody. Sometimes though, you have to allow yourself the shorter-term pain of being apart for the longer-term happiness.

If you don't have many friends besides him, or you don't have any close ones, you may want to work on building your other friendship. I think it helps if you are breaking up with him. Even if you are staying with him, I think it is healthier for the relationship to have some other people besides one another to share your thoughts with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 7:53pm
YEs, it's hard to say because only you and him really know the details of what led up to the breakup. Two of my sisters (I have 6 of them) are now happily married to great men. Both of these sisters had very painful breakups with these two men before eventually making it to the altar and happily married for 5 years and 3 years. We were raised without a father and have thus had a lot of difficulty navigating relationships with men. There are a lot of damaged people out there who may take extra time and hard-learning before things click in a relationship for them (I am certainly one of those, having had no real model of how to be with a man in a healthy way). One breakup does not necessarily make him the wrong one. But, again, only you two know that.
YOu can try couples counseling as well. Most cities have those classes or workshops. In grad school I actually helped lead one of those workshops and it was amazing the kinds of things couples who had known each other for years were discovering about the other for the first time. Of course, you have to BOTH want it, or there's no point in trying to salvage it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:52pm
I personally would NOT call or e-mail him!!
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