Advice Please-Being Played for 2 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Advice Please-Being Played for 2 years
5
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:18am

Hi everyone-

Please feel free to say anything, I need some tough love.

My situation-I have been dating someone for almost 3 years. I have been in many relationships, one for 7 yrs. which ended up breaking my heart as we planned on getting married. But after that, and much therapy, I went on many dates and had some short term relationships. So now I am in a relationship w/ someone whom is 42 yrs. old and is basically a Momma's Boy. He has never lived away from home, even during college. I have lived on my own for years, but now am home at my Mom's. We are both only children.
Anyway, the beginning was great until he could *not* go away w/me as he did not think it was appropriate (his Old world values). So while he was struggling w/that, my feelings were hurt. Once he decides he is *able* to do this, I am angry & hurt. WE did go away, and at about 5 am, he was so nervous & scared, I thought the only thing decent to do was give him an out. I told him to go home. You should have seen how relieved he was. So he left. At that point, I figure why even do that anymore...I do not want someone to do what they are not comfortable with.

He has allowed one of his cousins to be intentionally mean to me, never stuck up for me. He will not move out as he is comfrotable where he is...but we can not be alone just to hang out & watch TV. I have a dog so I need a house. He offered to rent ME an apartment so we could be together on weekends...why not rent himslef one? Because he cannot leave his Mom. He states he loves me, but I doubt it.

Now he knows it is going on 3 years, so a big choice needs to be made. He wants a *50 day break* to figure things out. No talking, emails etc.

I feel he has lead me on, which is dispicable. WE did have issues, but since I am very open, and he is not, we could never straighten things out. I cannot run the relationship nor read minds. I have always been honest & open with him. One of our main problems is his ties w/his cousins. I feel my female cousin is like my sister, and I am the God mother to her daughter. But his cousins & their families use him. Especially around Christmas....they buy him crappy, unthoughtful presents, and he spends so much time, money & energy on their presents. I know it is his money, but I hate to see anyone used....so for 3 Chrismas' this has been an issue. He needed to choose and he chose them. They are both 40 plus yr. old men whom are married and have 3 children...also make at least twice as much money as he does.

I feel totally betrayed, played, and think it was an evil thing to do to continue to speak about marriage. We are not in our 20's. I called him last night and told him he was a "heel" to do this to me. I am angry & hurt beyond belief.

So should I play along w/ his 50 day game, or end it now? Because in my mind it is over.
A person whom loves someone does not lead them on about MARRIAGE.

Any advice is very appeciated.

Thanks,
Charmed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 12:26pm
I agree that a person who loves someone does not lead them on about marriage. I just came out of a similar situation, except I was with the guy for 5 years. The whole time we talked about marriage, but in the end he obviously couldn't give me a commitment. Actions speak louder than words. Your guy may have talked about marriage, but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to back it up. And by the way, I lived with my ex for the last 3 years, so living together does not guarantee marriage down the road. Your boyfriend has had ample opportunity to make up his mind about what kind of future he wants with you. An extra 50 days isn't going to give him any enlightenment. If I were you, I would tell him that obviously you guys want different things, and that you are leaving. And then you should move on. If he really loves you and wants a future with you, he won't let you go. But don't wait around for him - you need to get on with your life and not waste it on someone who doesn't want a future with you. I hope I don't sound harsh, but I've been through this so I understand how you feel. If you want to get married and everything that goes with it, then that is your right and you deserve to be with someone who shares your desires in life. Your only other option is to just stay with the relationship as it is and be happy with that. That's the position I was in and I decided I couldn't do it anymore. It's hard to go through a breakup, especially with someone you've invested so much time with, but the only way to deal with it is to go through the pain and eventually you will heal. At least then you are free to find someone who really wants to share a future with you. That's how I look at it anyway. Hope I helped a little!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 12:56pm
End it now. This man has too many issues and sounds too attached to his mom to be able to be a good partner to you. You've waited long enough. After three years if he wants a 50-day break when he should be wanting a commitment, the relationship just isn't worth it. Cut your losses and move on. This just doesn't sound like a relationship where you can be happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:02pm
Thanks for the responses.
The whole *50 day* thing is a farce, and that is what I would tell someone in my position.
I just cannot believe I allowed myself to be in this situation AGAIN. In my early 20's I fell in love while in college, and we dated for 7 yrs. He ALSO purchased a ring, we planned the wedding & the reception in our minds. Only to find out...he was in love w/ someone else. I do not doubt he & I were truly in love for years, but it went away.
I feel like a fool to permit this to happen again.
I really do not think this guy can distance himself from his Mom & family. I feel we all deserve, and should not settle for anything else, but being #1 in our partner's life.
But this leading on about marriage is so dispicable to me. What type of person does this???He acts holier than thou, and allows his co-workers to walk all over him. I knew I could have taken advantage of him. I made sure I did not. I always tried to be fair about paying for dinner, etc.
What should I say? What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:51pm

What should

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 7:07pm
Dear Sandra-
Well, I did not have to think at all, my immediate response, is no, he is not the person I want to be with, especially right this second. And when you put it that way, it is so clear.
Thank you so much.
And you are correct, those apron strings will never be severed.
I still feel angry about being played.
But I know my anger will go away one way or another.
Thanks again!