Advise please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Advise please
4
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 12:18pm

This Sunday was my birthday and he called, leaving a sweet message. I called him back and before I knew it, we were hanging out and he spent the night. It was a great evening. I knew full well what I was doing but I so missed him.

On Monday he called me after work to see if I would get together with him. I met up with him and we hung out but did not spend the night together. He invited me on a date for dinner. I had to ask, "what was he doing?" He really didn't have too much of an answer.

Then last night he called me right after work to ask me to meet him and his work colleague for food and I did, wondering what is going on. We were very couply and his colleague seemed to like me a lot. When his colleague left for the bathroom my ex turned to me and said, "remember when you asked last night what was going on now with us?" I said yes, and I was planning to talk about that AFTER his colleague left. My ex said it was time he had a discussion with some of his friends to declare me back into his life.
OMG I thought but I said we had to talk about a lot of things but later.

After his colleaugue left my ex and I had a drink and decided to go to my place to watch a DVD and talk. We saw my housemate and I announced for him our unsure position.

He and I talked and talked and he freely admitts his issues and for the first time I understand better than ever, which makes is so blatantly clear how messed up he is and how sad I am for him. He basically freaked out at my house at around 1am because he knew he was going to have to face his friends about this. He is in this situation all on his own because he is the one that has lied to his friends about us, for little to no real reason. See, his brother called via cell phone while it was really late and my ex was sure that his brother knew where he was and thats where he started to really freak out.

ANOTHER THING THOUGH,all he kept saying was how he is pretty sure he can never make me happy and that his mood swings were not, despite my assertions about alcohol, a function of drinking because he has always been that way.

I wanted to mention therapy but he seemed to be almost having an anxiety attack and had to leave and go back to his place to sleep. I think I should mention therapy but dont know the right way to bring it up. See, his brother and his bro's GF would be mad if they knew we got back together - more so at me for going back to a bad situation. And it IS a bad situation for me. I've been so hurt by him in the past and not treated quite right. However its not totally about me - his behavior and its not reflective of his feelings for me.

I dont think I know what I want but I'm scared for my ex, he is so sad, so insecure, and seems so lonely and scared. I know I can't fix him but I feel like I want to do something to help him. I was so shaken up last night as well and felt almost like I was having an anxiety attack. His behavior over time has gotten more and more loopy. Without going into detail I can only say that I'm concerned.

I let him go home without making a fuss and I could tell he felt so bad, saying not to hate him. He looked like he was so tormented as he was walking away from my house to his, RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.

I'm pretty sure he will be calling me again tonight. Any comments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: isadimple
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:50pm

You can't save him...

It's as simple as that. He has issues and only he can help himself.

You said that he's insecure, lonely, scared, has anxiety attacks, etc...and that's sad. But you know what? It is NOT your problem.

I know it's really hard to distance yourself. My own ex had some problems of his own...he had been diagnosed as being bi-polar, so he was often depressed and had crazy mood swings. He was totally unpredictable most of the time--I never knew if he was going to blow up at me for something completely ridiculous, or if he was going to get all suicidal on me.

I stayed with him not only because I cared about and loved him, but because I was worried. He had threatened suicide more than once while we were fighting, and I was afraid of what he would do if I broke up with him. I was sad that he wasn't "happy" and blamed myself...I felt guilty. I also had low self-esteem at the time, and thought that staying with him would make me a better person somehow. I thought I could "fix" him and solve all of his problems.

But I had no reason to feel this way. I wasn't the cause of my ex's problems. And as hard as it can be to convince yourself otherwise, you can't "save" somebody. You shouldn't want to. You should want to be with somebody who is secure, healthy, and happy with themselves. You can't save a person from him or herself.

I recently talked to my ex and he still has his issues. He still spoke of the possibility of ending his life someday, even though he has a lot going for him--he was even talking about getting engaged to his new girlfriend soon! But he still isn't secure or happy within himself. It made me sad to hear it, but you know what? It also made me feel extremely relieved that I'm not the one who has to deal with it anymore. No more drama...

You can suggest therapy, etc, but in the end it all comes down to him. Only your ex can do what's right for him. But don't you dare let him guilt you into staying with him, or even being his "friend." I know you're scared and it hurts to see him like this because you care so much...but you have to take care of yourself for once.

Good luck.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: isadimple
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 3:31pm

Save yourself...you can't save him, and he will take you down with him if you try.

Cut off all contact, NOW.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: isadimple
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 7:46pm
Man, what a heavy situation you have on your hands. It reminds me of those new intervention shows on TV, where they do this intervention for someone who is destroying their life. One of the shows had this guy who stole and borrowed $ from his parents and gambled it all away. He was extremely immature and spoiled beyond repair. THere is a reason why the term "spoiled" was coined. Someone doesn't just come out of the womb spoiled- they come out lovable. It is the co-depnedent unhealthy people raising or around them that allow them to become walking monsters. My point here, to tie it all in, is that for you to continue being a party to this man's self-destructive lifestyle only makes you a contributor. You may think that sticking around and allowing him to torment you is helping him in some way- it's not. It's hurting him. And it's hurting you.
It's hard to make sense of that situation at the restaurant where he said something about introducing you back into his life or something. Did he just spring that on you or was that a discussion you two had prior to that night? It's highly unusual and self-centered if in fact he just assumed he could have you back without first talking it over with you. Addicts by nature are self-centered. That's not to say they don't love people or aren't good people but the nature of addiction necessitate that they put their needs FIRST- they must in order to feed their addiction. That is why families perish, relationships perish, jobs perish- because addicts think of their needs first. Until they face their addiction and come clean, this is how you can expect your life with him to be if you decide to go back with him. You can still be a support for him without being his girlfriend or sex partner. You can set boundaries that make it clear you are no longer with him in that way. If he can't handle that, then you can't handle him. It sounds like a highly dysfunctional relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
In reply to: isadimple
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:15am

thanks for your reply popeysgals.

No, his offer to reintroduce me into his life by telling his friends, etc. was not "out of nowhere". It came out of numerous past discussions about how he hasn't told his friends we were seeing eachother before and how I DO NOT lie about that stuff. It came out of complications that led to two (2) separate breakups because we would begin to rebuild but he was lying to his friends saying he wasn't seeing me and when they found out it all came falling down on him and then, of course, on me.

So when he talked about that at the restaurant it was purely because the night before (the 2nd night in a row we were together again where he asked me out to a romantic dinner) I asked what we were doing and what this is he was starting. He didn't really have an answer so the next night when, to my surprise, he invited me to out with his work colleague I had to go so I could find out what all of it was.

I did see him last night for a little. We met up after dinner and he came to my place to watch a documentary. He left by midnight. All we did was lie together, snuggling and watching tv. It was very nice.

But I agree, I dont want to become an enabler. I dont like how he treats me as a girlfriend but I do know he loves me very much. I find that I am now in the position to make a move. I want to mention maybe therapy. I just want him to be even and calm and more healthy, but I dont want to harm my life trying to fix him.

Its just so hard.