After 2 years .. help please
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| Mon, 07-09-2007 - 12:24pm |
Hi -
I posted this on "Ask the Relationship Saver" message board and thought I'd try this one.
Thanks in advance for any advice. I've posted on one of these message boards before and it's helped. But it seems I have more problems that need helping..
I'm 24 and I've been with my BF for a little more than 2 years. We've had a lot of ups and downs but have stuck through it all and tried to work through because we really love each other a lot and want to make it work.
Now at this point in our relationship, I think we're both trying to see if the other is someone we can be with for the rest of our lives. After a weekend with my parents, he told me that he is realizing that he doesnt like some things about me. For example, I've had many problems with my family throughout my life. My family and I have gotten through a lot and I love them but I don't think I have the perfect relationship with them and I think I've changed negatively as a person because of my rough childhood. My BF told me he didn't like how I would react to certain things, like get aggravated with my parents, or how I talk to my sister. He also thinks that some of that behavior is showing in how I treat him.
I have gone through a lot and I know that I'm not perfect. My sister and I are working on our relationship. I guess I didn't realize how screwed up I was until he told me he didn't want to be with someone that reacted to their family like I did. I don't treat him like I do my family. And I know that I should be a nicer person, a more patient person. But this past weekend, I was myself, like I am with my family, and he didn't like what he saw.
Oh, for those who are confused with how I am as a person now - I'm closed off at times, I try not to rely on people cause I feel they'll screw me in the end (like I feel my family did), I haven't resolved my family issues and therefore I think I've harbored resentment and it shows, by me being frustrated easily, by me acting as if and believing that people really don't care about me, I have a problem with people telling me no..
Okay I'll stop writing so much .. basically, he is telling me this because he said he loves me. But it's hard for me to hear that he says he doesnt want to deal with it in the future, it makes him apprehensive to get closer with me, and he feels better that he's learning more about me now and figuring me out now.
So?? He loves me thats why he's telling me, and he wants to be with me. He knows that I don't like how I am and would expect me to want to change that. I figure that it's hard for me to change that which I have become over these years, and I know it won't take a week.
So the question is, do I break up with him because I don't want him to suffer being with me and therefore I wouldn't be a selfish person by keeping him with me and telling him it'll get better, I'll change? I've said this before and I have tried to change but I guess he keeps finding things that he doesnt like about me. Are we too uncompatible? I constantly have people telling me how awesome we are together. We get along SOOO welll together and we really care and love each other. But of course we fight about things..
And my BF tells me these things cause he wants to work it out.
Do I seek therapy and still stay with him? Or do I seek therapy and not be with him?
Either way, I will be seeking therapy. I just don't know if I should take him along..
I hate it when your family's baggage interferes with your current relationship...

Hi and welcome.
Them apples are exactly what I needed!
Thanks a lot cl-i_b_sandradee.
It's true, I know I have to let it go for myself because I would sabotage any relationship if I hold on to it. I think therapy is my best bet to help release myself from this because I have so disassociated myself from the feelings, I need help getting it out.
Yes thats true, he is looking at me and thinking if I will behave with my future family as I do with my current family, which I know for myself is not going to happen because I know I'll be the best I can be for my own family and try not to recreate the problems I encountered in my childhood. But I guess he does not know this and it's something to talk about.
And it's true, I am dragging my family baggage with me and I'm not letting go. I think it's seriously time to let go and I hope my BF will understand and be there for me.
Thanks so much for your help! It really made me think.
And yay Boston! :)
Good for you :)
One last point:
....."he is looking at me and thinking if I will behave with my future family as I do with my current family, which I know for myself is not going to happen because I know I'll be the best I can be for my own family and try not to recreate the problems I encountered in my childhood. But I guess he does not know this and it's something to talk about.".....
All we know of a person, truly **know**, is what we see today (double underscore), not tomorrow, not two months, five or ten years from now. TODAY. That's all we have, that's all we know. So, with that in mind, each day ask yourself what have you done today, to make sure that what you're actually showing to the world (him included) is the same good picture you have in your mind?
Best of luck,