after 4 yrs. he's dating after 2 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
after 4 yrs. he's dating after 2 weeks
6
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 12:15am

my boyfriend and i mutually broke off our 4 year long relationship two+ weeks ago. he broached the subject and i agreed that things were not as they should be. i moved from NYC to Connecticut to go to grad school, and we had been living together for 1 year in NYC before that and 6 mos. in Asia before that. We were and have been for so long now, each other's best friends, but other parts of the relationship were lacking; we both knew it and know it.

when we had our breakup conversation (over the phone, mind you) i was in the middle of semester finals- over 100 pages of papers to write and all very difficult- so i guess i just didn't deal with the reality of the situation because i couldn't allow myself to do so- i needed to concentrate on my schoolwork more than anything else/

i went home to the mid-west for christmas and then to nyc on dec. 30, as we had planned to spend new year's together, as usual even though we had technically "broken up", but upon my arrival at his house- right after getting to the airport- he told me that he had seen a girl he had had a basically harmless flirtation with two years ago when we were "on a break", and that he had kissed her, and was planning on going out of town for new year's with some guy friends and to a party with him that night, but that i could have his keys and stay at his house because i had no where else to go.

today (3 days after i arrived in new york- and am now back in ct) he told me not only that friday night when he was supposedly "out with the boys" and i was asleep and waiting for him in his apartment, he was out with this girl until 6am, but also that he has been carrying on an email relationship/flirtation with her since last spring.

i am crushed.

even though i knew/know there were problems in our relationship and i was completely amenable to breaking up- actually think that it is a fabulous idea- i can't help but feeling completely deceived and wronged and so angry. i feel like i have been cheated on for months now, emotionally if not physically, that i am the one who has come out of this scarred and hurt and i am the one who is crying and overwhelmed by the situation.

it is just so difficult now for me to handle because i see the deceit and lies and betrayal and i don't even know what more to say and i don't know what kind of response i am looking for from these boards, but anything will help. I am just so confused by all of this and don't quite know how to handle my emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:05am

I don't know what to say. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're validated to be feeling betrayed. Be glad it's over and hopefully you can look at some of the memories as happy. I know it'll be hard. Okay...I'm not being much help here. Sorry.

omickey

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:14am

Hi...sorry...scatter-brained today since I'm going through relationship problems of my own.

It's so hard to know that you were betrayed by someone you trusted. And it's sad that he wasn't able to let you know how he felt earlier instead of just lying and having an emotional affair on the side. I hope that this behavior doesn't taint all of your memories with him.

Here's to happier days...

And definitely, feel free to vent as it comes up...

omickey

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:59pm

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this...I totally understand, as I had a similar experience years ago. We'd been together for 4 years, also...and two weeks after I asked him to move on, he *moved in* with another woman!!! That was a big shock and so, so hurtful.

The best thing you can do for yourself is stop having any sort of contact with him. I made the mistake of allowing my ex to continue to contact me and tell me about his new relationship (and at the same time, he was saying how much he missed and loved me), and as a result, it took me a good 3 years to get over him completely. It wouldn't have taken nearly as long if I'd had the sense and strength to cut off contact.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 8:27pm

Gosh, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, that just stinks. I know how you feel though; my ex of 3 years had an emotional affair for several months before we eventually broke up. It may have been a physical affair as well, but that part I can't confirm.

Anyway, the one thing I can say is that things will definitely get better. However, the sooner you completely cut off contact with your ex, the better. No contact causes the healing process to happen sooooo much faster and while it is really hard at first, it gets easier and easier as time goes on.

Your feelings are completely normal; so if you can, feel them, accept what happened, and begin to heal as soon as you can. You obviously deserve so much better, and I know you will find it. Hang in there!

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 8:53pm

aa, I was in your shoes about 4 years ago. I think your bf, like my ex, is a cruel monster (which I'm sure you're not ready to hear, I wasn't for a long time either, but looking back...aye yi yi, what a creep). He has no reason to tell you this stuff. You've broken up. You don't need to know about his other girl or how long he's been emailing her. I never understand why guys need to confess to someone they "loved". My live-in ex was having affairs all over the place, and since I'd never experienced that in a relationship before, I didn't always trust the intuition I had and thought I was being insecure.

After I came home from Christmas, I find out he's gone off for New Years to his home town. I got the same sort of thing "see you babe, I'll be back, got to go do this thing with a guy friend". Well, I figured it out (looking at phone bills and some notes in his briefcase) that this was not a male friend but a female and I busted him on New Year's day by calling and asking if I could talk to him. His babe-a-licious was shocked that I'd figured it out and called.

It hurt like heck, but what was the worst was he came back home and then began to tell me about all the other women he'd been with while dating me. I did exactly what Sherri tells you to do, kicked him out and had no more contact. It was the only way to get any perspective.

His actions are very, very cruel. You will see that some day with some distance. You did not deserve him nor his confession. You deserve much better.

Hang in there and be good to you! Good luck with school this winter!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 4:35am

I'm sorry what you've been through. I totally understand when you said "I've been cheated on emotionally, not physically". I was in your shoes a month ago when I found out about my ex and his new girl. I know your anger, confusion, and betrayal...it's very normal how you feel right now.

My suggestion, like others is "keep no contact". I know it's very hard. We want to know more although we know we would get hurt by finding out more. But please do not be hard on you. I found out about my ex thing after I broke no contact thing. It was sort of good for me because I was able to make a closure. I still have nightmares and think about him and our past, but I thought what I really needed was NC and a pass to move on.

Hang in there.

Aloha