after 5 years /devastating breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
after 5 years /devastating breakup
1
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:20pm

Okay here is my situation. My ex-boyfriend and I started out as friends and were friends for many years before we persued our relationship. We passed the line of friendship and became a couple having good times and bad times but sticking with each other and becoming closer than ever then last year we both went through a lot of turmoil deaths in our families. job loss etc.. and due to all the stress/changes etc..the dynamics of our relationship also changed. Well recently (about a month ago) he asked me for space.. but we continued to hang out and yes to be intimate for a while but then he said the space thing wasn't working so he broke up with me. I was devastated. I mean he and I had been talking marriage. We had each said that we wanted forever.After breaking up we have been trying to be friends but that isn't working so well.Things are very complicated. He is kinda of already hanging out with another girl and he is not wanting to talk to me supposedly because he feels vunerable and is afraid I would talk him into getting back together and then we would have the same problems and he would be unhappy etc..

He seems to be indicating that he would rather just jump into something new than try to save the 5 year love that we shared. At this point we are barely speaking. I love him more than anything but I don't know how to maintain the friendship with all these complications and I am not sure I can handle seeing him someone else this quickly.
what should I do? This is devastating me.. my sleepig, my eating , my working it's all screwed up. All I can think about is him.

Please help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 10:59am

Hi,

I recently broke up with my ex, so I can kind of understand why your ex-boyfriend tries to avoid talking to you... I still loved my ex, and had a lot of trouble deciding to break up.. Now that we're apart, he also wants to keep contact a lot, and it's not that I don't care about him, but it's just so hard, because we'll talk on the phone for hours and laugh our heads off, but at the end of the conversation there's always that moment where he starts talking about us getting back together and that he misses me. And as much as I love talking to him, I dread that moment. Because I broke up with him for a reason, and no matter how much we miss eachother it won't change that. And I'm really scared that maybe he'll talk me into getting back together, but then everything will go back to the way it was, with the fighting and stuff and I can't handle it all over again.

I broke up with my boyfriend, not because I didn't love him, but because we kept on fighting and deep down I knew it was for the best. If it helps, he probably feels miserable about it too, but won't tell you, because it's no use, and it doesn't change that you've broken up. And it's not because he met someone new that he's forgotten all about you and what you had.

My advice would be not to keep contact anymore... I know you don't want to, but you won't get over him if you still have contact. Plus you definitely don't want to see him with someone new yet. So do yourself a favour, and try to make sure your social agenda is as FULL as possible, do loads of things, go new places, force yourself. You won't feel like it, and you'll want to stick to your routine, but it will prevent you from thinking about him so much. If you hang out with friends a whole night, and then tumble into bed so exhausted you don't even want to wash your make-up off, you won't spend an evening feeling miserable and trying to get to sleap feeling so lonely and vulnerable.