After 8 years, is it over?

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Registered: 04-27-2013
After 8 years, is it over?
3
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 1:22am

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. He's a great guy, unselfish, loyal, trust worthy. But I just don't feel like i'm in love with him anymore. I've been feeling like this for the past few years but I stay with him because I love his family, we live together, we have so many mutual friends, and 8 years is a long time to throw away. But should I continue to be with him just because? When we kiss, I feel nothing. When he holds me, I feel nothing. 

Enter new guy. The first time I saw him, it was love at first sight. But I couldn't do anything since i had a boyfriend. We've been hanging out and talking more and he makes me feel alive. His touch just lights me on fire. He says he's not looking for a girlfriend, just a friend's with benefits type of situation (but we'd be exclusive). Being with him makes me realize that that spark does exist. I want that so much. Even with my boyfriend now, our first kiss was nothing like this. This new guy and I haven't even kissed but all it takes is his touch to electrify me. I can only imagine what it'd be like if we kissed. 

I want to break up with my boyfriend and have time to my self. I'm not going to go with the new guy either. If anything, it feels like he was the final push to make me realize what I want. And besides the fact that I'm not ready to jump into a relationship after being in one for 8 years, I don't want to be someone's 'sometimes'. I want him to want me the way I feel for him. 

My question is, would I be making the right decision to break up with my boyfriend? There are SO many complications if we were to break up. I'd have to force him to live else where, I'd be leaving his family, I'd lose most of our friends (especially if they find out that i've been talking to another guy). And a huge chunk of my life has been with him that I'm scared to know what it would feel like without him. But I don't think I can go on like this. 

Please help.

Avatar for Kendahke1
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Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 12:00pm

raye_16 wrote:
<p>I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. He's a great guy, unselfish, loyal, trust worthy. But I just don't feel like i'm in love with him anymore. I've been feeling like this for the past few years but I stay with him because I love his family, we live together, we have so many mutual friends, and 8 years is a long time to throw away. But should I continue to be with him just because? When we kiss, I feel nothing. When he holds me, I feel nothing. </p><p>Enter new guy. The first time I saw him, it was love at first sight. But I couldn't do anything since i had a boyfriend. We've been hanging out and talking more and he makes me feel alive. His touch just lights me on fire. He says he's not looking for a girlfriend, just a friend's with benefits type of situation (but we'd be exclusive). Being with him makes me realize that that spark does exist. I want that so much. Even with my boyfriend now, our first kiss was nothing like this. This new guy and I haven't even kissed but all it takes is his touch to electrify me. I can only imagine what it'd be like if we kissed. </p><p>I want to break up with my boyfriend and have time to my self. I'm not going to go with the new guy either. If anything, it feels like he was the final push to make me realize what I want. And besides the fact that I'm not ready to jump into a relationship after being in one for 8 years, I don't want to be someone's 'sometimes'. I want him to want me the way I feel for him. </p><p>My question is, would I be making the right decision to break up with my boyfriend? There are SO many complications if we were to break up. I'd have to force him to live else where, I'd be leaving his family, I'd lose most of our friends (especially if they find out that i've been talking to another guy). And a huge chunk of my life has been with him that I'm scared to know what it would feel like without him. But I don't think I can go on like this. </p><p>Please help.</p>

The first thing I suggest you do is to quit talking to or dealing with the new guy.  He is clouding your vision.  If you need to be by yourself, then go do that without the influence of the new guy as your impetus and put all thoughts of being with him out of your head at once.

You're right: jumping into anything right out of an 8 year relationship is unwise.  You need time to yourself, by yourself so that you can fully examine and resolve the reasons why you ok'd it with yourself to stay with someone for 8 years out of habit.  Love for his family is not a good enough reason to be in a relationship--you're not intimate with his family, you're intimate with him.  No, you should not continue to be with him "because".

The whole reason behind FWB is to have sex on the side while dating others--and if he's not talking about a route to exclusivity, then prepare yourself for the new guy to be dating other women while having sex with you.   Besides, you're contradicting yourself when you say you're not ready to jump into a relationship and then in the next sentence saying you don't want to be someone's "sometimes"---that's exactly what your'e going to be with this new guy because he doesn't want you the way you want him--he's already let you know that up front. Disregard that at your own peril.

You're going to have to decide which discomfort you are more willing to deal with: living as you have been living while keeping everyone else around you happy or finding your own happiness while being cast away from their lives. That choice is yours alone.  Is the residence in which you live yours alone and your boyfriend's name is no where on the documents?  Then you sit him down and tell him of your plans and give him the time to find someplace else to live. If his name is on the documents, then you've got a lot more work to do in order to free both of your names from the documents.  But it's work that has to be done if you want your freedom.  Freedom, sometimes, isn't free--sometimes it takes with it a pound of flesh as payment.

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Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 04-27-2013 - 2:00pm

I agree.  I think it's dumb to keep staying with someone that you're not really in love with just because you have been with him 8 yrs--can you see yourself staying in this kind of "blah" relationship for the next 40 yrs?  You're not even married so you don't have the hassle of going through a divorce or the implications that some people feel if they have made vows to be together forever.  Yes it's a little complicated since you live together, but you'll get over it.  You can't look at it like you "threw away" 8 yrs--you didn't go into it knowing that it would end--that's what llife is, getting to know people and figuring out if you are meant to be together--there are no guarantees ever.  I don't see why your mutual friends are going to find out that you have been talking to another man if you don't keep seeing him--yes it is awkward for them and some people might take his side, but maybe not all.  And you will miss his family but that's not a reason to keep staying with him either.

I do agree that you should not go off with the new guy--right now he's just an infatuation.  And he told you he only wants a FWB situation, which you don't want.  Better that you get your situation w/ your BF straightened out and be on your own for a little while & adjust to that and think about what you want in a man before you get involved w/ anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 04-30-2013 - 11:25am

Since you ask if its the right thing to do breaking up with him, I think you should try one last time to ignite a spark back into the relationship. If you still feel stale about him after making an effort, then you can say you at least gave it one last shot. Relationships are like plants. If you don't take care of them every day, they die. You two have lost your emotional connection. Time to see if getting connected again will work. This is your homework: Have a date night/day at least once a week doing something you don't normally do together. Go to an amusement park, bowling, hiking, tango lessons, hiking, cooking lesson, etc. Go to a couples sex shop and pick out items together. Have a picnic on the living room floor . Give each other back massages. Leave a lipstick note on the bathroom mirror. Write a letter to him telling him everything you appreciate about him. Leave him a sexy voicemail. Kiss him long on the lips when you see each other after work.

Over time, if none of this brings life to a floundering relationship, you have to realize you've outgrown it. I think it's worth a shot to try first, as the pool of single men out there are a sorry lot. You're experiencing that first hand with the other guy you're talking to, who only wants a FWB. And it's not fair to your bf for you to be speaking inappropriately to another guy. End your communication with him and don't engage in this behavior until you've actually broken up with your bf. He doesn't deserve this treatment.

Yes, if you do break up, I recommend you be alone for a good year. I dated for over 2 years after my divorce and had to date a lot of jerks, liars, and lunatics before I met my future husband. You have to ask yourself why the guy is single. The trick is to find somone who has been wronged by a bad woman, is a widow, or similar reasons and snap them up. The good guys are briefly single for no fault of their own. The guys who remain single for long periods of time are usually single because they don't want to put daily effort into being in a relationship. They want to lure a woman into having sex, and shortly thereafter, dump her.  You should give the relationship you have with a great guy a shot before you jump into the tough world of dating. It's not pretty out there. The new high of a relationship is fleeting. You have to learn how to infuse long term relationships with energy and joy as it evolves into a more mature relationship, which is enjoyable in many other ways. Good luck and let us know how it goes.