after three months...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
after three months...
2
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 7:07pm

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me in mid-August, just before he left to go to college. These past three months have been the most difficult of my life; I'm still crying every day. I'm seeing a therapist and trying SO HARD to get through this, but my feelings for him are just becoming deeper and deeper.

This past week, I attended a senior retreat with my school. I was looking forward to it as a time to maybe take a step towards getting over him, to realizing that other people love me and that I CAN be without him.

Coming out of the retreat, I realize that it only made me love him more. I realized that he makes me a better person; he makes me believe in God. I'm a perfectionist, but I realized that perfection doesn't exist...it's about finding a person that you see so much love in that they are perfect in their imperfections.

Three years ago, I believe I was severely depressed. I didn't think I was worthwhile, I didn't feel loved, I thought about suicide fairly regularly. He came into my life and showed me that there is something in me worth loving; he opened my heart to loving other people because I knew that someone was there to love ME. When I was under a lot of stress a year and a half ago, I stopped eating and got dangerously thin...he was the only person in my life who seriously sat me down and told me to stop, that I was hurting myself. I've seen three psychiatrists, and not one of them has helped me see things as clearly as he did.

I'm seventeen years old and I'm scared to death of never being with him again. I don't feel loved, not even by my parents. People tell me that there will be others, that I will find Mr.Perfect and get over this. I don't think I ever can. I'm not extremely religious, but I feel as though if God wanted me to get over this, He would help me through it...I've never prayed before now, but now I do every night for the strength to move on. As little as fifty years ago, people didn't automatically chalk love at seventeen up to innocent obsession. I hate our society's belief that you have to date thirty people before finding "the one."

I know there's really no appropriate response to this. I guess I just want to hear something good. I'm scaring myself because I'm nearing that point of extreme loneliness and I don't want to think about killing myself again. Right now, the only thing that's helping me is the realization that I don't want to hurt him by doing something stupid and I don't want to leave him forever. I'm afraid that if I give up hope in him, I'll give up hope in life.

If anyone has ever felt this way...what do you think makes you realize whether this is the person you're meant to be with?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 2:44am

Funny thing is, I'd like to tell you a lot of things that you'll probably find out in a few years on your own anyways. But I remember when I was 17 and 'dating' this guy for around 4-5 years. I loved him to pieces at the time and when he left me for his ex-girlfriend, I was heartbroken. I never thought I'd find someone as sweet and wonderful, and nice and etc etc. But although we seemed compatible at the time at a superficial level, we really weren't. We had same dreams, same religion, and same upbringing, but he didn't challenge me. Looking back now, a few short years later, I'm happy that we didn't work out, because our relationship would have just stalled indefinitely

In terms of therapy, it's like anything else you do - unless you commit to changing, it won't do anything. Anyone can check themselves into rehab for an addiction, but nobody can force them to make the small self-restraint and sacrifices every single minute it takes to remain sober. Your therapist is there to point you in the direction, but you have to be the one to take the step. My best friend was suicidal for a long time after getting out of a FWB relationship in high school. I cannot count the number of times she called me at 3 am to tell me she'd just slit her wrists. She was seeing a therapist, she was on drugs, nothing worked. Until one day she called me completely lucid and told me that she'd decided to live. And I haven't gotten a 3 am call since.

"I feel as though if God wanted me to get over this, He would help me through it...I've never prayed before now, but now I do every night for the strength to move on"

Lastly, I want to stress that the Christian God at least, isn't something that someone makes you believe in - you either do or don't by yourself. I can't count how many people think that if they pray hard enough, God will come down in a flash of light and make everything better, which is what you seem to be suggesting. No. There's a degree of pain and suffering that we all need to go through because it's necessary for us to try our strengths. And the strength you pray for is already there, you only need to reach out and use it.

Anyways, His help comes in the form of people on this board who've care and have taken the time to try and help ease your pain and give you advice. In the people who encourage you to move on and find your great love. In your parents who support and love you in a way you can't imagine. In your therapists, who listen to you and make an effort to help you come to terms with yourself. Even in nature, where the sun shines with you and the rain cries with you. That's the closest you'll get to what people call religious peace - when God and his love flow into you, and through you to everything else. Or Nirvana I guess, when you are one with everyone and everything is one with you.

And lastly, I can't say I really say I know when I've met the one. I've dated guys that I've wanted to 'try' with, some that I stop wanting to 'try' with, and ones that I've never wanted to 'try' with. As depressing as this sounds, I don't think there's really the 'one you're meant to be with', or you won't know until you're 100 years old and on your deathbed. I think only then, can you say, "oh, _____ was really 'the one'"

All the best


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 5:57pm

Welcome to the board beg88,


Susanna gave you some good advice and I hope you are able to *hear* it well.


I too remember being 17, in love and not wanting my relationship to end.