On again, off again ADVICE NEEDED
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:08am |
Hi,
My name is Trish. I was in a 7 year on-again, off-again romantic relationship. We had big issues about trust in the relationship, and he told me some outrageous lies. (I mean really big -- he once told me he had gone back to school, and actually made a fake student ID to show me.) A pattern started to emerge. I would get angry, break up, and move on. Then a few months later I would miss him, and he would call or I would call, and it would start all over again. This has been going on since 1997. Earlier this year we got back together, and were talking about getting married, buying a house. The more we talked, the more withdrawn he became, and he got "busier" and "busier" with work, and less available to move forward on the plans we made together. I got very frustrated, and also felt myself withdraw, i.e. not seeing him as much on the weekends. Finally in mid August we were having a discussion about this. I was frustrated with the discussion and said, look this is frustrating, let me go. And he said, I'll let you go alright, and hung up the phone and BOOM. That was the last I ever heard from him. My reaction the first couple of months after was one of lightness and freedom and relief. I put a couple of personals ads up and spent time with friends, looked forward to meeting someone new.
THEN two weeks ago I got an envelope from him in the mail. I completely freaked out and threw it in the trash unopened. After that I started thinking about him and even looked for him online. I found out he has personals ads up everywhere. The jealousy started to really get to me. Jealousy, argh, how to deal with that?! I even sent him a friendly email last Friday but haven't heard back (he always goes out of town for Thanksgiving - family - but should have been back yesterday). It is driving me nuts that I haven't heard back from him, despite all the problems we had.
I am not sleeping well, I feel stressed, and I think I could really use some advice! Thanks in advance.
Trish

You realize this is a habit and that you are experiencing the "off" part of the on and off again "relationship" you've been having. It is time to put a stop to this and get yourself out of this situation, it is actually a form of addiction that you are feeding on. It sounds like you may have issues with being alone?? You seem to want the space that comes with the breakup only to find yourself frightened once you get there and hence the cycle is repeated once you get back together. What you are dealing with is unhealthy for you and you need to figure out WHY you keep wanting to repeat this cycle. You have already spent 7 years of your life doing this, don't waste anymore time with this man.
The fact that he told some outrageous lies is a big red flag, I dated a guy a few years ago that did the same thing and went to extremes to cover these things up (also lied about school, having a job, ended up cheating on me (he denied it even though I had major evidence), and even told me he was engaged to someone two weeks after I broke up with him, etc), he had issues to put it mildly. People that lie about major things tend to do so in all areas of their life until it becomes to the point where you canot trust anything they say. Believe me on this one, he has probably been dishonest about other things in your relationship. I am very wary of people like this.
My advice is to take his lack of response as a blessing and use this to start to move on, no good can come out of any further contact with him. This is going to be a cycle that will be repeated unless you take action and initiate the end of it. You seem to have made a start in the right direction, count this as a relapse and try to move on without contacting him. You have a history with this man so there will be times when you miss him of course, but that does not mean he is a positive effect in your life. Good luck!
I'm sorry to be blunt and bygones, but what you really need is one of your very good level headed girlfriends to smack the sence back into you! Seriously, you know how in movies the person is freaking out and gets a good smack back into reality (lmao at the one over exaggerated in the movie Airplane, but I degress) and everything is fine?
You need to figure out what is going on with you to be so hung up on this guy. Admittedly he's a liar and you can't trust him. But enough about his problems, you know them all too well. Focus in on your problems and why you would even want a guy like that in the first place. There are great self help books out there you should look into. One especially recommended is by Dr. Laura Schlessinger called 10 STUPID THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES. Then there's Dr. Phil's book SELF MATTERS. Also the current book in the headlines HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU by Greg Behrendt.
Seriously. Until you find out why you keep going back to him, you'll never be free of him.
let me see:
"THEN two weeks ago I got an envelope from him in the mail. I completely freaked out and threw it in the trash unopened"
and then : "I even sent him a friendly email last Friday but haven't heard back "
u shuld expect him to be freaked out then and he probly threw your e mail to the trash bin, unopened.
In your post you say: "We had big issues about trust in the relationship, and he told me some outrageous lies. (I mean really big -- he once told me he had gone back to school, and actually made a fake student ID to show me.) "
" Isn't that what Scott Peterson did?!?!?! "
Nah. It was the other pregnant wife killer, the one from Utah. Don't remember her name...Lori something.
Georgiagirl,
Ok, here's what you need to do: type in the term "toxic relationship" on your favorite search engine and start reading up on what this means. Because, that is what you're in!
7 years -- on and off -- is much too much to put up with! You have to ask yourself, "what is it about ME that would want to be with a man that tells outrageous lies?"
You said, <>
Jealousy stems from insecurity. And, I know this may be tough to hear (read) but you are INSECURE. Staying in this type of relationship, being yo-yo'd around and lied to -- you have to realize that you deserve better!
My advice: Focus on YOU! It's easier said than done, but stop thinking so much about him and start looking within yourself. See a counselor. Get some of this out with a qualified therapist. Because, I truly think that you have more issues going on here than have to do with this man and this relationship, in particular. You have to ask yourself what it is about YOU that keeps you coming back or wanting him back. It's not about HIM.