Again...the urge to call him!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Again...the urge to call him!!!
5
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 9:44pm
I have the urge to call him right NOW! The trigger was seeing him again tonight, again outside our study area. We actually small-talked and it was torture for me. He came out of the door right as I was walking by and we were walking in the same direction, so we walked/small-talked for about a 1 minute togther. And talked about nothing..."How are you? Fine. You? Fine. That's good." He tried to turn the conversation towards how HE was burned out on school...so I broke in and spoke about myself because I didn't want him to have me as a caring sounding board. He did ask a couple of questions about me, how my new apartment was and he said that he keeps driving by my new apartment on his way to school thinking he'll see me walking home...and I just said, "Well, I've been walking!"...dumb, but still keeping it short. Aaaargh...why didn't he talk more personally? Say he's sorry for his B/S? Say that he missed me? And that the past 3.5 weeks has been hell on him like it's been on me? I want to vent so bad to him and ask him why he's put me thru this when all I wanted was to love him?!

Seriously, though, what I really want is to talk through the relationship. To have him confirm some suspicions I had on his lies, for him to tell me that he wants to be there for me and to call and check on me and force me to be friends with him. kcl--You said that you hated having him contacting you all the time, but it's even worse not having him contact you at all!! Do I call him and try to talk?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:23pm
Hey there,


I haven't read your prior posting but I'm able to gather an idea or two about how you're feeling. I was in agonizing sadness and have been for the past four weeks. I know what you're going thru. The eagerness to have answers from them is so unbearable. Not being to call is horrible.

I'm trying hard to keep myself together - avoid the calling - by thinking about the reasons why I dislike him sometimes, the pain that I have let him bring into my life.

I'm going through the same problem you are. We were together for 2 1/5 yrs. and spent 5 months engaged. He decided to break off the engagement a month ago and we had been trying to work things out for those four weeks. It turns out that he never made an effort to make me feel like he still wanted to try. That caused a reaction on my behalf and again he said he needed to be alone for now. He said he wants to do what he wants without giving any explanations. Fine. 2 days went by and I text messaged with a computer question - rather than sending a message back and to my utmost surprise, he CALLED. WTF? I though it was over, I thought he didn't want me around. Well, I couldn't let the opportunity go and asked if we were completely over with our relationship or if we were waiting for time to heal and find ourselves. He said he couldn't stop talking to me even if he wanted to - ok what does that mean? and said that we could just let things be - what does that mean? It seems to me that there are signs of hope --- but--- I unfortunately found an email and apparently he's setting up days to go out. I'm CONFUSED - he's telling me he wants to slow down in our relationship because he needs to focus on his work, hiw career, and his only shot at making his business grow - but he's making plans to go out? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that - but he's telling me that he doesn't have much time for us - however, he's spending hours and hours with his buddies.

What do I do? How do I quiet the voices in my head? Does he want to be in or out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:20am
Oh hun, I really hope you didn't end up calling him. I'm sorry you had to run into him and actually talk :( I bet that was rough...I can't imagine how I'd react if I had to see my ex right now!

I honestly believe that it's a good thing he hasn't tried to contact you. Maybe to you it seems like he just doesn't care, but it WILL help you get over him faster. Believe me, I meant it when I said that the ex contacting me is a bad thing...it's only been hindering my healing process. I tried so hard to be friends but luckily I've realized (thanks in part to this discussion board) that it's impossible because I'm not fully over him yet. His contacting me only gives me false hope and makes me believe that he might still care (when he truly doesn't). Now, I can't say the same thing about your ex because I don't know if he still cares about you, etc...but in all honesty, he's doing you a favor by NC. He's making it obvious that it's time to let go...he isn't trying to lead you on.

It obviously hurts like he*l to think that someone you love so much doesn't care about you...trust me, I know the feeling. But as painful as it is, it's better than sitting around, waiting and hoping that your ex might call or come back. You HAVE to let go of that hope...I've been trying to hold onto it for the past 4 months and it's been a huge waste of my time. Of course, your situation could be different...but please don't do what I did...you cannot make him come back to you...you cannot force him to love you or want to be with you. IF he wants to come back, he will...but don't live your life holding onto the slight possibility that it will happen.

Just think...there's someone more deserving out there hoping for someone like you to call their own. You will get over your ex in time...but until then, don't waste your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:31am
not to me mean but I recommend oprahs show from today to every woman , it really woke me up! or get the book "hes so not into you" From a mans point of view and interviews other men about what they really are thinking of us woman, How men can get in a relationship with us tell us they love us so much but they wont marry us or commit, or these jerks that say they will call and they call days later! His take is they are just not thinking of us or they would call us when they tell us too, no matter how busy if they really dig the girl they will make time to make a phone call or to see us, and that they will go above and beyond for a girl they really want. PUT THE PHONE DOWN, DONT CALL HIM! Men want a challege not a doormat. If he doesnt come back to u on his own then its not ment to be, YOu can change no one but yourself! By waiting on him u r making yourself notavailble to other hot men that may be interested in you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 9:58am
VERY TRUE< Oprah's show yesterday, go and read about it on her website!!! I'm sorry tatianic that you are in alot of agony, and luv bug, it is so hard, I know. Go and read this, my ex has popped his head up again in my life and I was really considering to take his crumbs again and was setting myself up for more dissappointment! He showed all the signs of the guy that digs you but is always waiting for something else. Well I'm right here, if thats not good enough than we need to move on!! Please read the show, it could be the first step into really moving on. These guys know we care and where to find us but they are not! Hugs to you

C

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:29am
I think you should try to talk to him because you really want to. It's going to bother you until you do. So just do it and get it over with. You still have a lot of questions, and I get the feeling he may be able to answer some of them. If not, you'll know it's wrong and that will be the end of it. But I'd say go ahead and approach him. Pick a quiet, and hopefully public place, where you can get together for a couple of hours.