Ahh.. committmentphobes...
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| Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:38pm |
So my ex committmentphobe dumped me about a week and a half ago. It was completely out of the blue, in fact, the weekend before he gave me a Tiffanys bracelet. I've been devasted ever since, and just don't really understand why. He says his heart is not the relationship anymore and doesn't see me as someone he can spend the rest of his life. We only dated for 8 months; and he is 30 yrs old and his longest relationship has been 8 months.. hello committmentphobe! I truly think he doesn't know what love is, or has some screwed thinking onto what love is. He believes love is about being infatuted someone all the time. I don't see it like that.
Anyway, I saw him on Thursday night just for coffee, and he's telling me he misses me, that i'm a wonderful person, and that he really cares for me. He also tells me he really wants to be friends and that he feels I'm his best friend, but that it's my decision on the friends issue. I told him I don't know... I do want to be friends with him but it would be hard. I think he's a great person, and want him in my life but it will just be different. What does everyone feel about the friends issue? Also, do committphobes ever see the light on how they're acting and change? I have brought up about seeing a therpist to him, but he doesn't think that's the solution. It's so frustrating.

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Agh, another one!
Trying to be friends with him at this point would be a mistake and just keep you hooked in. Been there, done that...it took me 3 years to get over my c'phobe ex (after a 4 year relationship) because I allowed him to keep in contact with me.
We are friends NOW (and have been for a while--it's been 9 years since we broke up)...but it took about a year of no contact to get to the point where we could be.
And no, unless they get help, c'phobes don't just "get better".
Sheri
Sandra,
You're right one the $$$$$...my exact words to him were blindsided..although I kept mum on other choice words I had floating through my mind at the time!
I was heading straight towards Peter Pan island after 2+ yrs of dating/living together. Three weeks ago he's confused & moved back into his moms house and calls it a "pre-midlife crisis"....I called it give me a break! It came as a total shocker but I finally realized that I can't expect him to love me the way I loved him if he doesn't know what he wants of himself let alone his expectations (if any) of an adult, mature relationship. I wish I would've seen or known of some warning signs but I guess it taught me a lesson for the future. It hurts...scratch that, it down right sucks when that rug is snagged and you're left sitting on your bottom....but as long as we can get right back up and take that next step, then I think we'll all be A-OK.
R in NJ
Hey there,
I think everyone who has been with a commitment phobe can honestly say that they will NEVER change! My ex played that game with me for 4 1/2 years. We broke up 3 times, everytime for the same reason...he was unsure about the way he felt and needed some space to figure out his feelings. I took him back everytime until I FINALLY realized after this last break up (almost 2 months ago) that he is never going to change and I need to cut all ties with him. Let me tell you that it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. As far as the friends issue goes, as hard as it is (and trust me, I know how hard it is), it is best to cut ties with him until you are over him. If you keep in contact with him then it is that much harder to get over him and the relationship and most importantly move on. Keep busy, see your friends and family, do things that you love doing and spoil yourself! And if you need support, come on here. We are ALL going through the same thing!
Take Care of yourself.
Catgirl :)
Blindsided is right... exactly how I feel as well! It's good to hear that others are going through the same thing. The no contact thing has been very hard, but I've been good about it. He hasn't contacted me either, just as he said he would. He's actually headed out of country on this friday for a week and a half, so I think that will help alot because he does live a block away from me. I'm hoping that after he returns from his trip I'll feel different about him... more stable. Right now, I either feel angry and frustrated by what he did, or I miss him deeply... there is no middle ground. And if he came to tomorrow asking for me to take him back, I'd take ALOT for me to say yes. I've also came to the conclusion that I cannot make a decision about the friends thing quite yet... I need to focus on myself and if we can be friends, then great, and if not, then it's his lose!
I guess in the end, I feel this is a huge learning lesson for me. Really opened my eyes.
well, to cut to the chase..he just informed me that he is spending three days a week by his kids and living with a woman he met on line April 24 the other part of the week..So, I am back to square one and feeling worse than the first day and feeling like I was so replacable he didn't miss a beat...
so that is why, no contact is truly the only way to protect yourself..It's not easy-but in my opinion is the only way to go
Today I feel worse than I did the day it ended because now I feel a deep rejection and sense that I made excuses for his behavior and considered him committmentphobic when he in fact can commit to living with someone else within three weeks of meeting her....I
would have been better off not knowing that...Protect yourself...
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