Ahh.. committmentphobes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Ahh.. committmentphobes...
21
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 11:38pm

So my ex committmentphobe dumped me about a week and a half ago. It was completely out of the blue, in fact, the weekend before he gave me a Tiffanys bracelet. I've been devasted ever since, and just don't really understand why. He says his heart is not the relationship anymore and doesn't see me as someone he can spend the rest of his life. We only dated for 8 months; and he is 30 yrs old and his longest relationship has been 8 months.. hello committmentphobe! I truly think he doesn't know what love is, or has some screwed thinking onto what love is. He believes love is about being infatuted someone all the time. I don't see it like that.

Anyway, I saw him on Thursday night just for coffee, and he's telling me he misses me, that i'm a wonderful person, and that he really cares for me. He also tells me he really wants to be friends and that he feels I'm his best friend, but that it's my decision on the friends issue. I told him I don't know... I do want to be friends with him but it would be hard. I think he's a great person, and want him in my life but it will just be different. What does everyone feel about the friends issue? Also, do committphobes ever see the light on how they're acting and change? I have brought up about seeing a therpist to him, but he doesn't think that's the solution. It's so frustrating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2005
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 8:54pm

Sheri,
After I read your post I was inspired! I have been invovled with a commitmentphobe for 4 years and a few months ago told him we needed to stop seeing eachother of course he wants to do the friends thing and was very upset when I told him needed to completely cut him out fo my life so I can get over him, before being his friends (he thought I was being selfish...funny!). Of course I have not been able to cut him out of my life, just saw him at a party last weekend. But the more I think about it the more I realize I need to cut him out as much as it's going to hurt and be really difficult (we have some mutual friendhsips)...but after seeing him last weekend I realized that he is still doing the same manipultive things to me that he used to do...i.e "I want you, I don't" - etc. Thank you for inpiring me to do it right this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 8:54am
No contact is absolutely the way to go. When my boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago, I told him it is best if we have no contact because it will be easier to move on. So far he has complied. Although part of me was hoping he would call because that would "prove" he cares, the truth is that it is better that he hasn't because any bit of contact would set me back and I know it. I am actually going out of my way to not go to places we both frequent to ensure I don't run into him. Because I know if I see him it'll open up all the wounds again. And if I see him with another girl, I'd be devastated. It is better not to know what is going on in his life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 9:17am

My first relationship out of my divorce many years ago was with a guy who swept me off my feet and a guy who wanted to get engaged after only 5 months, actually bought me a beautiful and expensive ring and then after only a few weeks, took off one day deciding he didn't know what he wanted but he needed time alone and not to be involved with anyone...we went back and forth and back and forth for a few months.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 10:00am
Susan
Thank you ever so much for your post...I am repeating as my no contact mantra of the day ..."how small of a bone are you going to settle for anyway"....
I have learned the hard way that no contact is truly the least painful way and feel like I am involved in a process similar to a twelve step program...two days with no contact and counting..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 10:44am

I remember years ago I told people that I spent all my time not doing things...not drinking, not smoking, not having contact with crazy men....etc.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:12pm

I don't think your ex is a "commitmentphobe." He's only 30 years old, and he hasn't met the one woman who he wants to spend the rest of his life with and somehow that makes him phobic?

A phobia is an irrational fear of something. For example, someone who has an irrational fear of dirt, the overwhelming feeling that if they get dirt on them they will instantly die, is known a mysophobic.

Someone who doesn't want to continue in a romantic relationship with you isn't neccessarily phobic, he doesn't think that he will die or sponteneously combust if he continues to go out with you, he just isn't feeling like you are the girl he would like to marry.

And he's allowed to feel that.

And believe me, if that's how he feels, you don't want to be his girlfriend, fiance or wife. It doesn't make him bad or mentally ill. It just makes him not the guy for you.

My friend Marcia Wallace describes in her book, "Don't Look Back We're Not Going That Way" the kind of man you want, you want a man like her husband Denny, a man who one day up and said, "I cannot imagine living another day not married to you."

And by the way, this was a divorced man who said he didn't believe in marriage, and Marcia was just fine with that. She didn't care about being married, she cared about being with Denny, married or not. They were blissfully happy until the day of his untimely death.

That's what you want, that's what you deserve. A man like Denny. Hold out for that. Be his friend, absolutely. He cares enough about you to not lie to you. That's a friend in my book






 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:41pm

Thanks for your insight grrl genius. But, do you think someone can know after only dating someone for 8 months that that's the person for them? I definitely thought we were on the right track... never fought, enjoyed spending time together, made each other laugh, talked about a future together, etc. If he's not afraid of commitment, then what is it? How will he ever know if I'm the one or not, if he's doesn't want to explore a relationship past the 8-month marker? And if he did know awhile ago (he says he didn't), why would he act so loving and caring to me (like I was the one)?

As you can see... I ALOT of questions, not so much about this guy, but guys in general who behave this way. Because next time around, I want to protect myself from falling for this type of male. Example, my friend and I were out the last weekend, and met a few guys. Well, the guy I was talking was 31 yrs old (i'm 28 btw) and his longest relationship in his life has been 3 MONTHS. And I thought my ex was bad. THen his friend, who is the same age, says he's longest is 4 MONTHS. Not much better! What's going on here?!?! Are these types I should be staying away from? In my mind, I think yes. Why would I want to invest 3-4 months with someone knowing that they will most likely just blow me off. Anyway, I would just love to hear some other peoples views on this sort of thing.

Thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 3:49pm

Re your first question...YES, you can absolutely know that someone *isn't* right for you in 8 months, or less. It takes more time to know if someone IS right for you, however.
He just may not have had the same "spark" for you as you had for him...it's not always explainable why you feel that certain spark or you don't.

He may or may not be a c'phobe...I don't remember if you've posted about whether he has the ability to make commitments in other areas of his life or not (a true c'phobe can't commit to much of anything--job, housing, friends--without feeling a sense of panic), but if he doesn't feel you are right for him, then he's not right for you.

As for the other guys...in your shoes, I'd be leary of getting involved with men who are in their early 30s and who have never had a relationship of longer than 3-4 months. That's not to say they *can't* be in longer relationships, but getting involved with a guy like that would be risky. Of course, there is no such thing as a risk-free relationship...but what risks you take depends on your tolerance. If you really like a guy, exploring why he hasn't had an LTR would be a useful exercise, I think, rather than rejecting him out of hand.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2006
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 9:29pm
Susan I would like to thank you; yes sometimes you can feel a bit 'crazy' and overwhelmed! It does take a lot to NOT do something, especially something that can be self destructive. It does seem like I would be willing to accept any little 'bone' that was thrown to me....I don't want to be like that anymore. And as much as it hurts and as hard as it is, I have been occupying my life with other activities as well...to tell you the truth I feel as if at this point, I too would hear the 'I am not over you' part and not the I started dating a girl so soon after you it would make your head spin part....and that makes me really sad.....I thought I was a loving, caring and patient person and it turns out I am just really a doormat...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:44am
Hi!
reading your post was very strange because it seems almost as if I wrote it myself. Only substitute 8 month with 5 month, and week and a half with a week.
I have the same opinion - these guys have no clue what love actually is, and confuse the feeling of being infatuated or "in love" with real love, because they have never gotten to that point in a relationship before where things calm down and you accept the person the way they are and that is what real love is. My problem also was that me and my ex come from very different cultures and have totaly different ideas about "dating".
The sad part is, there is nothing you can actually do, because he himself knows that he has a problem, and it's only him who can decide wether or not he wants to work on that problem. All you can do is wait, but don't let him know you're waiting.
I was in the exact same situation few years ago, except my then-ex was more willing to listen and work on the problem. We got back together after 2 weeks, and our relationship after that point was far from ideal, up to the point when I left to study in another country for a couple of month. He told me later that the moment I left made him realize that he was a fool and he faced his own issues. He said that he couldn't handle the fact that he couldn't find any faults about me, and it scared him because he thought it was too soon for commitment. We did break up afterall, for some other issues that came up, but he still keeps telling me that I did him a great favor of making him realize what love is about.
Hold on to the fact that YOU haven't done anything wrong, and that it's him who has a problem and needs to work on it.
What I am doing right now is trying to move on even though I still want him back, and see if maybe I really am better off without him. I think that staying friends is not a bad idea, because maybe that way he will open up more and start thinking about his issues and talking about it with you, but he can also hurt you more if eventually he moves on and you still want him back.
My bottom point is, we are awesome women and we deserve someone who will be happy to have us and who will never want to let us go, real men and not babies afraid to committ, and they are the ones who will spend their lives being unhappy because in the end they'll probably settle with sonmeone they don't even like that much just so they don't die alone.
Maybe I'm a bit bitter, but it is the truth:-)
Wish you all the best, get your girlfriends and go out tonight and try to have a great time and not think about him!!
xx
Milica