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| Fri, 03-25-2005 - 11:00am |
I'm more than a little disappointed in myself right now...
I went out last night to a friend's birthday party, and had too much to drink...and I ended up contacting my ex for the first time in four months. I sent him a text that said, "maybe we should talk sometime soon."
He didn't respond and frankly, I'm not surprised. I sent it at like 2 am so maybe he was asleep, out, or with his girlfriend, who knows. I actually feel okay about that (as of now)...I'm not really upset that he never responded. I'm more upset with myself for doing something like that. I should have known better--after all, we played the contact, no-contact game for six months! I had been feeling really proud of myself for not giving in and contacting my ex...it has done wonders for my self-esteem and healing process.
I don't know what got into me last night (other than alcohol, of course)...but I am angry at myself for contacting him. I don't know what exactly I wanted to say to him anyways. I know I only have myself to blame--after all, I should have blocked his number in the first place so I couldn't contact him even if I wanted to. I had taken him out of my phone book, but I guess that wasn't enough, and I obviously still remembered his number.
If you read my post from the other night, then you know that he contacted me the other week and said, "say hi for once, it wouldn't kill you." At the time, I didn't care and I actually laughed...but I realize now that it must have gotten to me more than I thought it did.
I'm just feeling a little defeated right now...I'm mad at myself for still thinking of him. I really thought I had been moving on with my life and now I feel like I've been set back--not completely, since I still feel pretty happy with myself and the way my life is going...but a little discouraged...
Blah.

This actually might be the best thing that ever happened to you - if you require it to be, because you can't change that it happened, that's for sure.
Basically, no contact is not a solution, it's not a cure, it's not a position of permanency to adopt.
"No contact" is a period of time that you take...so that by self-requiremtn - you focus on redefininition of self, realignment of priorities and goals, and reassessment appropriately of your needs and desires and how this relationship dynamic affected them. "No contact" is really the period of self-research adn development that allows you to move back out into the world full force with him still out there and breathing and possibly in contact due to other situations.....at some point without you having all thise loss, regret, anger or fear as a result of "seeing or hearing from him".
But most peopel don't view it that way...and apparently you're one of them. YOu've viewed no contact as a cure on the assumption that if enough time passed, wehre you had events, options, opportunities and alliances, you'd find something to "replace" him in terms of meeting your needs -although those are undefined so you're not sure what meets them to begin with. You were just hoping "something great" would happen so that you'd "stop wanting him".
And you've found that thru all the periods of contact/no contact - whenever you're a little less in denial of your subliminal urges, with the option to respond to them as a result of "loosening of the chains" - that you go right back and "contact him".
Meaing you haven't moved one iota closer to you...and in that sense, the only thing that would take you away from him with that approach - is him moving on, leaving you behind. So that "contact" so no longer an option because there is no friendship there, there is no commonality or shared community there, and so "no contact"is now a default reality of his self-realignment and progress.....and oyu're still where you were, wanting what you want....only now you can't have it period the end, because he's unavailable.
Just a thought,
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin,
You've raised some very interesting points, ones that I had never thought of myself. So thank you for that...your response definitely helped open up my eyes.
You were right in saying that I thought "no-contact" would magically cure me somehow. But now I realize that you are also right in saying that isn't true...
I do feel as though I have made some good progress since my breakup first occurred, and that I am on my way to finding out what exactly my "needs" are. And thanks to you and other people on this board, I am beginning to see that my ex does not match them. I think I may have finally reached the point where I understand that my ex is unavailable to me, for many reasons (both mine and his own). I just wanted to thank you for your valuable insight.