almost too much to bear
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almost too much to bear
| Sat, 04-22-2006 - 3:48am |
I don't really know where else to go or what else to do. I was seeing this guy for almost four months and things were going really well. We live about 4 1/2 hours away from each other, so we have only seen other maybe 4-5 times. At one point, he came to see me and we spent a week together. It was the best week ever (and he thought so too)! Then 2 weeks after that (sometime in late March), things started to change. I no longer got the good morning text messages, or even hey how are you messages. What once was daily conversations turned to once every 3-4 days. He told me that I should be ok with that, but I wasn't. I found it really hard to stay positive about our future when I could barely get him to return my call. Then 2 weeks ago, 8 days went by when we didn't speak. I will admit that he did text me 3 times, but each time I responded, I got nothing abck from him...Anyway, I just couldn't take it anymore and I wrote him a not-so-nice email. In the message, I basically said that the lack of communication wasn't working for me, that although I wanted to be with him, if we couldn't do a better job at talking, then we might want to think about ending things. (I realize now that I was not ready to end things, I just wanted him to talk to me more-go back to how things used to be). I sent that message on April 9, and I haven't heard from him since! I am guessing that he got so mad at what I said that he doesn't want to continue seeing me, but he won't talk to me at all. I realize that I could have said things better in the email, but I was hurt and scared. Never once did I think that he would shut me out and off so absolutely. It's killing me. Have I mentioned that I am in my last semester of my last year in law school? I have 2 finals left and I can't go more than 2 hours without crying! I don't know how to stop thinking about how good we could have been. I don't know how to stop beating myself up for the email. Now I can thinkg of 20 different ways I could have told him how I felt that probably wouldn't have elicited this response, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I am 29 and this was only my second real adult relationship. I didn't know that you only get 1 chance to make a mistake. I just don't understand how two people can be involved in something great, something with so much potential, then one person makes a misstep, and you never talk to them again! It seems so unfair. I don't think what I did was that bad, but his response is making my guilt almost unbearable. How do I forgive myself for making a mistake when I feel like I'm being persecuted? More importantly, how deal with this for the next 2 weeks so that I can take these 2 finals and get my degree? And how do I stop waiting for his call and wishing for us to get back together when all the signs say he's done? When does all the questioning end...

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I am sorry to hear about this, but I think you need to stop blaming yourself for emailing him. You were probably right to as you had sensed something was wrong, and women's intuition is a powerful thing! The main thing was, the communication wasn't good between you two. You seem like an open and honest person, so really the issues are with him. Texting him and asking for answers will only drive him away! Don't go blaming yourself for his short comings! The plain truth is that he hasn't seen the time you spent together in the same way, I know thats hard to hear - but continuously toturing yourself about 'what could have been' is not going to help you!
He isn't worth it! What he isn't worth too - is screwing up your law career and your life. I am in the same position - 2 months away from finishing a course I started to get a good job - but i'll be damned if I let him ruin it for me! You gotta think of yourself and stop blaming yourself.. otherwise you'll be left so battered and bruised that he will have got the better of you. There is someone out there for you, who will love and respect you for YOU and 29 is by no means old... plenty of time!
Good luck with finals. Let us know how everything goes.
A man who was right for you would have been FINE with whatever you said in your email...even if it made him mad or upset, he would have *dealt* with it, not run away.
All this means is that this guy wasn't RIGHT FOR YOU!!!!
Look, you were already having issues with communication before your email. You didn't have the same ideas about the level of communication in a relationship--another sign he's not right for you.
You need to get a hold of yourself and everytime you start down the guilt path, STOP yourself and say "He just wasn't right for me, I need to accept that".
Use the thought-stopping technique on the board's website to get yourself through the next couple weeks...here's the link:
http://www.geocities.com/breakingupishard/advise.htm
Don't let this guy who isn't right for you mess up your professional life--he's NOT WORTH IT. You need to focus and get through school, and then through the bar.
Sheri
something that you said really hit home, and you were right, it was hard to hear. he didn't see our time together the same way i did, despite what he might have said and done at one point. i had to read that line a few times and it still hasn't sunk in, but i'm trying to wrap my mind around it. i guess if he was where i was, then even with the email, we would be trying to work things out. thanks for the harsh dose of reality.
so you know about having to focus on work while mending a broken heart. i wish i had your resolve. i mean, i know that i'll finish, but it's the quality i'm concerned about. but you're right, if i let this break up mess up my legal career, i'll feel even worse. right now i am at the library, getting out of my house is absolutely essential right now. there are way too many memories there right now.
i found this quote online, "let go and leave the future of the relationship up to the fates." i wrote it down on a post it and i'm now carrying around with me. everytime i have the urge to contact him, i'm gonna read it and see if there's some strength in the words. and when i start to blame myself again, i am going to remind myself what you said. thanks again for the advice and please don't be a stranger. i need all the support i can get.
No problem - Glad you found what I wrote helpful, as for my resolve... it comes and goes!
I am finding my breakup really tough, so many we can share and get each other through??
You should be able to email me via my profile now. Keep going - I am finding out its a very hard road but one that feels less when we have people to support us! :)
I just want to add that I agree with whomever said 'he was doing the fade out before the email' - I would go a little further and say he was probably hoping you would break up with him so he didn't have to.
Keep your chin you, do well on your finals and heal your heart.
Carrie
it would be better for me if he would just tell me what happened, then i wouldn't sit and wonder, but he won't talk to me at all. and that hurts almost as much the idea of us not being together. it's like, for four months, there was this person who grew to mean so much, and then in one day, it all changed. it's a very harsh reality to deal with.
i am in the library right now struggling through my education law paper and outline. thanks for the well wishes and advice and i'll definitely keep you posted.
Sheri,
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement! Even with my limited relationship experience, I thought that when a person did something that upset the other, if they were both 'in it to win it,' they'd find a way to get though it (or at least try). My email did something to him, and he did run away. it seems he felt it easier to just walk away rather than try to work it out. that says a lot.
i guess it does say that he wasn't the right man for me. my dad has always told me that people date in order to discover more about themselves and the kind of mate they want to be with. i am beginning to see that i want to be with a man who doesn't run at the first sign of trouble b/c relationships are all about weathering the storm. as good as the other aspects of our relationship were, the communication was an issue for me. i accept my part in this, but i need to see that he has a part to play as well.
as good as the other parts of the relationship were, it seems that he just wasn't completely right for me. if only my heart could accept that truth. everyone says that it'll happen in time, i have to hope so...right now i'm in the library working on my paper and outline, so at least i'm moving forward. i am gonna do everything in my power not to let this breakup be the reason i mess up three years of hard work. please don't be a stranger.
thanks for the link, i'm going to check it out on my next break.
Kai
Hi, Kai. I also had a long distance guy do a fade on me after we had seen each other twice and talked about two months on the phone. His communications just started getting farther apart and then he seemed to take great offense that I wasn't making enough effort to come see him. But I now know that was an excuse to make it seem I was the one breaking up with him. I think he simply got cold feet and the short length of the relationship was all he could stand. But he didn't leave until he sent a very mean e-mail that is still upsetting to me. Maybe it is best that your Ex just disappeared. I do think it is good he showed his true colors before you went any farther down the road with him.
I found Men Who Can't Love a very good book to explain my Ex guy's behavior. Hang in there. Good luck on your finals! You now also have a court reporter pulling for you. I think you will make a fine attorney.
So it seems that you exactly know what I'm going through. I wonder if my ex got cold feet too and this was the only way he could think of leaving? I can't believe yours sent you a nasty email! I don't know what's worse, no communication at all or that. I guess regardless of how things ended, it's up to us to put ourselves back together-brighter and better than before! You know that email that I wrote to my ex, the one that is causing me so much guilt? Well I finally printed a copy of it and deleted it from my computer. And doing so freed me a little. I mean, I still woke up this morning and thought about it first thing, but instead of laying in the bed regretting it, and rewriting it, I stopped the dialogue. I have been telling myself what others on here have shared with me, 'if he felt what i felt, if we were really in this thing together, then he wouldn't have left, and definitely not like that.' Moreover, 'the RIGHT man for me would not treat me like this.' I wonder if that helps you any. We both have to let go of those emails, physically and mentally, otherwise, we'll forever be stuck in the past.
You know, my other friend agrees with you about his true colors. She said, 'what if this happened right before the bar, or how about a few years into marriage?' My head understands that, but my heart is quite there yet. lol. today has been better than so many days before, and for that i am grateful. on my way to the library however, i started thinking about how much fun we were supposed to have this summer, and all the good times we planned. Then the guilt kicked in again. all of that lasted for about 10-15 minutes or so and then i had to tell myself what i wrote above, 'if this was the RIGHT man for me, we'd still be together.'
When finals are over, I may find that book you mentioned. It seems that there is a lot to be learned from this situation, about relationships, men and most of all myself. One would think that after 3 years of law school, I could take a break from learning for a while, but then again, 'he who knows everything knows he knows nothing at all.'
Thanks for the support and we'll be in touch. By the way, here's another question: what did you do with all the thoughts/plans you had for the future?
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