almost too much to bear

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
almost too much to bear
13
Sat, 04-22-2006 - 3:48am
I don't really know where else to go or what else to do. I was seeing this guy for almost four months and things were going really well. We live about 4 1/2 hours away from each other, so we have only seen other maybe 4-5 times. At one point, he came to see me and we spent a week together. It was the best week ever (and he thought so too)! Then 2 weeks after that (sometime in late March), things started to change. I no longer got the good morning text messages, or even hey how are you messages. What once was daily conversations turned to once every 3-4 days. He told me that I should be ok with that, but I wasn't. I found it really hard to stay positive about our future when I could barely get him to return my call. Then 2 weeks ago, 8 days went by when we didn't speak. I will admit that he did text me 3 times, but each time I responded, I got nothing abck from him...Anyway, I just couldn't take it anymore and I wrote him a not-so-nice email. In the message, I basically said that the lack of communication wasn't working for me, that although I wanted to be with him, if we couldn't do a better job at talking, then we might want to think about ending things. (I realize now that I was not ready to end things, I just wanted him to talk to me more-go back to how things used to be). I sent that message on April 9, and I haven't heard from him since! I am guessing that he got so mad at what I said that he doesn't want to continue seeing me, but he won't talk to me at all. I realize that I could have said things better in the email, but I was hurt and scared. Never once did I think that he would shut me out and off so absolutely. It's killing me. Have I mentioned that I am in my last semester of my last year in law school? I have 2 finals left and I can't go more than 2 hours without crying! I don't know how to stop thinking about how good we could have been. I don't know how to stop beating myself up for the email. Now I can thinkg of 20 different ways I could have told him how I felt that probably wouldn't have elicited this response, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I am 29 and this was only my second real adult relationship. I didn't know that you only get 1 chance to make a mistake. I just don't understand how two people can be involved in something great, something with so much potential, then one person makes a misstep, and you never talk to them again! It seems so unfair. I don't think what I did was that bad, but his response is making my guilt almost unbearable. How do I forgive myself for making a mistake when I feel like I'm being persecuted? More importantly, how deal with this for the next 2 weeks so that I can take these 2 finals and get my degree? And how do I stop waiting for his call and wishing for us to get back together when all the signs say he's done? When does all the questioning end...

Pages

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 7:40pm

Yes, I do think that my friend got cold feet and it was mostly all in his head. The book I recommended describes the typical commitmentphobe, and he fit the bill 110%. I think you will definitely benefit from reading it.

When I got his ugly e-mail, after I read it once, I deleted it from my computer. I am usually a very open person, but I am learning to protect myself by stopping hurtful communication. I didn't know him really well, but it was so disturbing because the week I spent with him, he was such a total gentleman in every way, and then he made such an off-the-wall personality change, it was unbelievable. I am just so thankful he showed me that side of him before I got any more involved, and that it was all by e-mail and I didn't have to see him again. I wasn't in love with him, so it wasn't that bad. I was just trying to get to know him, and boy, did he help me out with that fast. He called and left me a message saying he was willing to be friends, but he didn't think I wanted that. How could he think I would want to be his friend after that?

My story is a bit more complicated. I had just ended a six-year relationship when I met LD guy, and his behavior was the last thing I needed in my life. It fed into my insecurities created by my break-up. Just another reason not to jump into a new relationship so soon after just ending one.

What did I do with the dreams and plans for the future? Well, I have to say those plans were all with my 6-year Ex. I am just now beginning to focus on myself as a single person and make some fun plans for this summer. I have been grieving for three months, and I am still very much grieving. But I am making firm plans to do things with my young adult children and girlfriends and relatives, and I am trying to keep active now.

I am 53, so I don't have all those having children and career and deciding where to live decisions to make like you may have.

I would suggest just giving yourself some time to grieve and then make your own plans according to what you want to do. You may meet someone and change your plans around a bit, but I am proceeding on with the idea that if I don't meet anyone, I will be just as happy doing what I plan for myself. Best wishes! What an accomplishment it is to graduate from law school!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sun, 04-23-2006 - 8:22pm
Do not beat yourself up over this email. You handled this situation the best way you knew how at the time!
Keep a brave face and study for your finals and if you hear from him - act indifferent as though you never even noticed you did not hear from him.
Good luck - there are greener pastures ahead :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:53am

thanks for that. I am actually trying to tell myself that over and over, 'I did the best I could at the time.' It's helping. I am definitely doing better and the email, while still a thought, does not have as much power. it's 830a, and i'm already in the library. i have taken control of my studyig and doing what needs to get done. i just keep thinking, you only have to hold it together for another 7 days.

i'll keep my eye our for those greener pastures...thanks again

Pages