Alone Again Naturally........
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| Mon, 07-30-2007 - 3:45pm |
I have never really been good with relationships/dating. Seems everyone who breaks down the walls to my heart later end revealing a substance abuse problem or emotional problems to me... I always manage to end it before real damage is done, but it still sucks. That was the former me, the girl who felt she could be the saviour of these sad cases...
T was different. He was good, he was nice to me. Granted it wasn't face melting physical attraction when we met, it was so natural to be around him. I felt safe, I felt full around him. We were so nice to eachother, nothing was wrong. I put myself out there, he didn't/couldn't. After awhile, I picked pride over foolishness (which maybe might of been wrong). I was tired of waiting for his schedule to clear, I was tired of doubting myself. I cut ties and in a really immature, passive aggressive way--- I just stopped talking to him. I don't want to stop talking to him! There I go ending things again before real damage is done!
I've burried myself in busy-ness now. Which, works to a pretty good degree, but when I can't stay busy anymore- like when I climb into bed- it hits me. I tell myself I can't afford a relationship in my busy life right now (LIE!). I really am a good girl, I am driven, I am strong, I am attractive, I am nice, really nice (needed to boost my ego :)... Why can't I get this right? It just overwhelms me. Then, I make sure that the people who need me, the people who love me unconditionally realize how grateful I am for them. But it still doesn't heal the funk. I want HIM! I want NICE GUY! There's nothing to do about it. Why doesn't he want me? Why can't I get this right? How do I avoid getting myself in these situations again? It sucks!!!!!

Since you feel your always alone, I think this time, you need to be, and figure out what's going on with you. That means, no dating or being with a man, until your actually ready. I don't think your ready, because there are some things you need to work on, and you don't know what to work on first. So take this time alone, and embrace it. I don't know what the fear is for some people, to be alone, but there is nothing wrong with it. When I'm not with a guy, I have fun as well, with my girlfriends, and traveling, and doing all kind of fun things. I pretty sure you do all that good stuff, but try being alone, and you know what I mean, when I say alone.
If you messed up with the "good guy", then it wasn't meant to happen. I'm a firm believer, "things happen for a reason". Yes you play a huge role in finding your happiness, but happiness comes from within. No one or no man can make you happy. Only you can do that. Sometimes, "us" women sabatoge relationships because it's what we do. But I've realized, when that time come for you and I to be with that special guy, there won't be any sabatoging, because "he will be the one". There won't be any effort or time mis-spent. It will just work out and there won't be a chance for us to mess anything up. I think your selecting the same guy with the same type of personality or problems. You have to think about what guys your attracting. You really have to change that, in order to get something different and for you to change the mistakes. If "mr. nice guy" doesn't come back, then move on, and work on yourself. Counseling is something good, and so is prayer. That's the most inexpensive form of counseling you can get, from God.