am i alone in this crazy thinking/feelin
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| Mon, 05-30-2005 - 8:15pm |
I've been reading the posts for a few days now and I haven't stumbled on any that mention what I've been feeling/thinking. First a little background though...
About a month ago, me and my live in bf split after 2.5 years. I know that it is the right thing and it had been coming for a long time - it just seems like even though in the beginning we were happy, we are too different to ever have it work out. And sadly, even though we made it 2.5 years, we had been constantly been going back and forth between fighting and everything being okay so much so that I had almost convinced myself that we would never break up.
Anyways, it happened like it is suppose to - it was painful and caused a whole bunch of different emotions for me. At first he didn't want it to be over. He even showed up at my mom's the night before I was having movers take my stuff to storage. He didn't want to get back together per se but he didn't understand what he was feeling, and leave it to me, I went into mother hen mode and tried to take care of him and his feelings. Later on his way back home, he even called me to ask if it was too late to call off the movers. Hello, you were the one who told me to get out first and I just took a couple of days to myself and decided that yes that was what needed to happen.
Anyways, I moved my stuff out and am temporarily living with my mom while I look for a new place. We tried that whole be friends thing and at first I thought we could really make it work - big joke - after a few phone calls where he had me bouncing back and forth (he'd tell me that maybe in 6 months he come back to me with a ring (which wasn't the issue - he wanted to propose before but I started having anxiety attacks bc I knew it wasn't right so we put it on the back burner) and then a few days later he told me he had an all day date with a girl from his work - not even a week after I moved my stuff out) I finally told him I couldn't be friends - at least not now - maybe in 6 months or a year, but even then who knows how either of us would feel then.
Now I'm so confused because I am HONESTLY not pining away for him, not hoping he'll call and I'm over the shock and anger of him sharing with me his new love. I'm also starting to get over the anger at myself for being so darn agreeable and supportive and loving for him. I mean I did everything humanly possible to make this break up easier for him and though I can live with myself because I did act that way there is still a part of me that wishes I could break down and be mean and spiteful, but there is a bigger part of me that just didn't and doesn't want to go there - not for him or how it would look to the rest of the world, but for myself.
Okay, so here is where I am stuck and am hoping to get some guidance/feedback. Over the last few days I can't help but wonder where my strenght went? My friends tell me that I deserve so much better - that it wasn't either of our faults - that we are both great people, just not compatible and that we both deserve and will find love again (with other people) so how is it that today all I've been thinking is that my ex is so lucky to be rid of such a loser like myself. He is so much better off. I keep trying to tell myself that this is crazy thinking. I keep thinking about the fun we had our first summer together and imagine that he is out on the motorcycle with this new girl, having fun and laughing and instead of being jealous, I'm thinking - yep, he deserves someone to laugh with - at least now he'll be happy with someone who isn't such a loser like me.
Do any of you know what I'm talking about? Is anyone else going through that or have suggestions about how to get past this point. I've spent the last three days landscaping at my moms (my sister is getting married in a few weeks so we're rehabing the yard for a party) and even though I work myself to the point of exhaustion, I just can't sleep and lay awake wondering - how did I become such a big loser? why can't i believe what my friends tell me - that it is a compatibility thing and not a "i'm such a loser thing"? Is this normal to feel/think this way?

why you think you're such a loser?
are you really?
are you really a loser with no personality and no future and no skills no future?
or did you and your boyfriend just break up and so you think you're a loser just because you aren't riding his motorcycle with him?
is there really a need to feel that you're a loser or are you being over-dramatic?
Just so I understand, you're not pining for your ex, but you feel like a loser.
Do you really think you are over the shock and anger of him telling you about the new girl?
You mentioned that breaking up was painful for you. Are you allowing yourself to feel sadness, anger, grief?
Whether or not the breakup was mutual and supposed to happen the way it was supposed to, you are dealing with several losses... the loss of a partner, the loss of a identity as his girlfriend, the loss of a home, the loss of the happier times in your relationship. That's alot to handle.
Luckily you did not have to deal with the shock of someone telling you out of the blue that he's not happy. Still, maybe it's not so much that you are a loser, but perhaps you feel a bit lost, wondering what's next (not necessarily in terms of a relationship, but life in general). He's a got a new girlfriend and it seems like he's moved on. Perhaps you feel like a loser because you are comparing your life to his.
I could be way off base... it would be the first time ;-) Just my thoughts.
A~
Thank you for your reply. I'm not sure if you meant it to be harsh or not, but it was just what I needed to snap out of the funk I was in. After talking with a friend, I realized that this negative thought process going on in my head is most likely due to depression. In fact, after doing some research I was reminded that ending relationships is just like experiencing a death - you go through the 5 stages of grief - including depression which can include the negative self talk that seems to come out of no where and is completely NOT based in reality.
Now that I realize these thoughts can be automatic as a sympton of depression, I feel somewhat relieved - it wasn't making sense to me bc it isn't suppose to - these thoughts do not come from a rational/logical place. However, after doing more reading I realize that it is in my power to change my thought processes so that I can combat these. In fact, the same friends suggested I use the following mantra which has helped today "these thoughts are feeling, not fact" and then she suggested I replace the thoughts with something positive that is based in reality. I know that just this is also the first step - I need to deal with why I may be depressed which lead me to realize that I have been trying to rush through my grief - deny that I'm angry and hurt about all that I went through in this relationship - mad at him and mad at myself for the things that happened between us and sad that the genuine love we had for each other got trampled on and twisted into something unrecognizable. And I know I can't just rush through this process as much as I'd like to. I have to experience it, minute for minute so that I can get through it. So begins my newest journey...
Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you - without it I would probably still be feeling stuck and powerless...
Thank you for your reply. Both yours and the previous one I received lead me to do a lot of thinking and pushed me into acting. As I wrote in a reply post to the other person who responded, I came to realize 2 things - first, the negative thought process - feeling like a loser - almost hearing it said to me over and over again in my head - well that is a symptom of depression which lead me to do some research about depression only to realize that ending a relationship - even if it is for the best - is just like experiencing some one you love die.
I learned that people go through 5 stages of grief - DENIAL, ANGER, bargaining, DEPRESSION, and acceptance - when a relationship ends. Reading that in combination with some of the things you wrote made me realize that I have been denying my true feelings about the break up - I'm angry and hurt about not just the break up but how things were during the relationship and I've been trying to avoid feeling those things - just trying to push past them like I didn't have to go through them emotionally bc I "got it" logically. I'm so mad at him and mat at myself for what happened to us.
However, I also realized today that it is in my power to stop the negative thought patterns and combat/get help for my depression. It is okay for me to be angry and hurt that he is already with someone new. That is completely normal - regardless of the fact that I don't want him back - its more about feeling hurt bc I could be replaced so easily and how shocked and livid I am that he thought he could say he loved me and that he didn't want it to be over, he didn't want to hurt me and then a few days later not only tell me about this new girl but forced me to listen to her leave him a happy message on our answering machine when I stopped by to get the last of my stuff (he wasn't home but left a note that I had 12 messages on the machine when in reality I only had 10 - 1 was the new girl all giddy and happy, leaving her home number saying she was so excited about going out that weekend - the other was from one of his friends checking in on him bc he knew my bf was so torn up about the break up) - like he couldn't have written her number down and erased the message or told me to skip message numbers X & Y!!! I guess the point is I know I have anger and I have to start dealing with all those unpleasant feelings - such as anger, pain, loneliness, and loss.
Another good thing from me posting is that during that conversation with my friend about the responses I got here lead to her telling me that she has felt helpless watching me slowly slip deeper and deeper into a depression over the last 1.5 years of my relationship. I only share this with you as it helped me to really put in perspective and begin to accept that it really may be depression that has lead to my "i'm a loser" thoughts and that it hasn't been a sudden thing - its been a slow gradual process to get where I am today and will take a while to get back to being the fun loving me I know I am.
Anyways, I wanted to thank you for posting - I guess that sometimes it takes someone who doesn't know you all that well to make you really look honestly into that mirror :)