Am I being nasty ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Am I being nasty ?
6
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 5:36pm

Its been a week since my ex and I broke up from a LDR (which lasted for a year) given that he didn't want me to move in with him as he thought this wouldn't work out. (guess it was fear of commitment)However, now he's texting me to remain friends with him and he hopes that we will be able to become friends again and speak soon.he said that i should never forget our happy times together and that he will always keep me close to his heart.

All I could reply to all this was that I find it difficult to remain in contact with him as this would make it too difficult for me to forget him.

Do you think I was nasty by refusing to be his friend ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 5:53pm

you write: "All I could reply to all this was that I find it difficult to remain in contact with him as this would make it too difficult for me to forget him.

Do you think I was nasty by refusing to be his friend ?"

I think you were too kind in saying this.

I had an ex say this crap to me once. Wanting me to remember the good times we had.. to remain friends. "Why?" I asked. "I already have enough male friends, I don't need any more. What I need is a lover, companion, mate-you don't want to be that, so drop dead." But that's me. ;)

You don't owe him friendship because it's not true friendship he wants. It's "let me call up Ijade and yank her emotional chain because I have nothing better to do with my time". The defining question is: Can you be his friend when he tells you that a woman he met 3 months ago is moving in with him next week?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 9:35pm

"Do you think I was nasty by refusing to be his friend ?"

Not at all. I take it from the tone that you were more the dumpEE, rather than the dumpER. It's understandable that you just aren't ready and able to cut off the romantic feelings of betrayal and hurt from the breaking of the relationship and be just friends with him. He on the other hand, probably was contemplating the break up for a while and had time to move past any feelings other than friendship.

By all means, if he falls into your definition of what a friend is, then tell him you would like that, but you need some times to adjust your feelings and emotions towards him accordingly. Then tell him you'll call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:52pm
I think you did the right thing!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 12:57am

You seem to have read my inner thoughts :-) I don't think I can actually handle the fact that he'll start dating someone else and possibly have her move in with him as that will hurt more.

I wouldn't help comparing her success to my failure and if I arrive to that stage I would feel devastated and will find it almost impossible to move on.

So if he texts me again I'll try and be tougher and say something on the lines of :I prefer not to keep contact as I don't want to stir up my emotions again...I don't think I can ever be friends with someone who hurt me so much."

If you want to read my previous post "Am I that Dull?" to know more about my break up you can do so.Its been posted in this section.

Thanks for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 1:10am
Hey
No I dont think your nasty at all for saying that to your ex. Being friends right after a break up has never been a good idea in my eyes, nor has it worked in my relationships. You both need time to move on, and try to deal with everyhing that has happened. Being friends right away will just bring back all the memeories, and possibly get you back into the way of how things are. I guess it depends on your situation and if you feel you can have some contact with him or not. I knw for my own personal situation, Im finding that I shoudl try the no contact with him at all right now. We tried being friends right away and that didnt work out at all. He was moving on and I was thinkin in my head that we were going to get back together. Its hard to just be friends with someone when one is still hurting and the other one is wanting to move on. He should realize this. After awhile, you may want to contact him and be friends with him. Maybe let him know that for right now you cant be friends because it will be too hard, but possibly in the future. Hopefully this has helped abit, and dont think that your nasty! Your not at all! You are thinking for yourself, which you should be. Do what you need to do to move on, and if its not being his friend right now, then thats how it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 7:57am

Thanks for your advice. I told him that its too difficult for me to remain friends with him as I need to forget about him.he replied by saying that he hoped that we would be friends later on but i doubt this as i hurt too much to ever consider him a friend.i didn't reply to this last message as i really don't think i m able to ever be his friend.

besides i don't think i can handle the fact that he'll be dating other people and that he can still enjoy life to the max without me so its best that i don't know about such things.

We broke up coz he didn't think my move to his place in France would work out although we had been in an LDR for about 15 months.So i decided to end the relationship as he couldn't really commit himself.it would have been a waste of time to continue a ldr when he has no thoughts about settling down with me in future.