Am I Being Overly Harsh On Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Am I Being Overly Harsh On Him?
10
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 6:39pm

Hello,

It has been a while since I've posted. I've been with my bf for 8 years. We have been through a lot, from stalkers to cheating (him) to not being accepted in the family for the first few years (stil a bit awkard now), and so much more b.s. on and off that we've worked through the past few years. I guess you can say we grew up and have been good. We rarely argue, and if we do it's about small things that we get over within the day. I mean, there really is not much to complain about yet here I am complaining! 

Here is the thing. We are desperately trying to move. We rent. We can't afford to buy yet. I've been busting butt trying to make the extra money. He works too, but the past few weeks he's slacked a lot. I found myself working 12+ hours a day while he spent 90% of his time lounging, smoking, drinking with new friends, who I'm okay with, but I've begun to notice something more and more. Our worlds don't mesh anymore. I don't smoke (marijuana or cigarettes), which he does. He has always done so. I had an issue with that at first but got over it. He would always smoke alone since I don't or with a friend, who I have no problem with. For some reason now though, things have changed. The more he spends with these new friends the more I feel left out and by myself. I cook alone, clean alone (always have), eat alone, entertain myself. I am a homebody, major introvert, but never had an issue. If we wanted to go out we would, but we won't. He likes to stay in also. Anyhow, the new friends kept bugging to meet me, so they did. I hung out a bit but had to work so that was that. I'm always working so I don't hang with them. The thing is, even when I do, I get an unwelcomed feeling from my boyfriend. It's the tone in which he says things that make me feel like he doesn't want me around them or he'd rather have me inside. He never has asked me to hang with them either. In fact, he always tells them I like being alone and not hanging out. Now, he just takes off to their house down the street without even telling me sometimes, which is fine. He is a grown man, but I'd like to not be talking to myself only to realize he's bolted. These people seem to never sleep, so it can be 3 in the morning and they will be here or him there. It's all day and all night practically. Now, again, I have no problem with them. They are cool, a bit crazy. I guess I just feel a bit sad that he finds so much fun with them and seems to not want to share that with me or offer me that chance. Plus, over the past few weeks I've seen us really drift. It seems like i've become an after thought. I'll ask if he wants to watch a movie or something, and he will say maybe later but then literally spend the entire day with them. Then when he is done with them, he will ask me if I want to watch something. By that time, I've been working 12+ hours and want to sleep. Also, his attitude has changed. They are loud and boisterous people. The kind that will yell your name down the street to see if you are home. They allow their kids to smoke as well, which is whatever to me. They are the parenst and that is their choice, but of course, I don't agree, but it's their issue. However, he has picked up on their obnoxious attitude sometimes just being loud and sometimes rude or even over the top. Example, talking big as if trying to prove something. It's just an odd attitude. 

The other thing that kind of gets me is he no longer seems interested in moving, as he is not putting in the work or effort. I'm the only one looking for places and busting butt. He was the one who really was pushing to move but now it seems he's changed his mind but won't say. I'm just at a loss. I love him deeply and want the best for him and us, but I feel like maybe it's time to move on. I don't care that he is having fun with new people. I like that. If he can't have fun with me then I'm glad he is having fun with them. He needs that. I don't have a problem with that. It's just I don't want to be the after thought or left behind since I don't do what they do. I guess I feel excluded. I can't explain it. Nothing really bothers me per se but I guess i'm just seeing more and more that we don't mix as well as we used to, and the more I see it, the more I feel he should do his thing and I should do mine. This has just been eating at me and I just needed opinions or maybe even just to talk. I feel maybe I am just being dramatic or harsh on him for not doing what I think he should be doing. I don't know. I just need some advice or two cents. 

Thanks!

Elle

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 7:42pm

Just my first quick thought, wondering if he has an alcohol or drug problem.  Not saying he does, but I would say it is a very real possibility.  People do drink into the night, but eventually most people go to sleep or pass out unless they are doing coke or meth or something like that.   

If for arguments sake he doesn't, you may be in a catch 22 with the long hours you work.  He works also, doesn't he????  And in a backwards way he thinks he is being considerate by going to the friends house instead of inviting them over when you are tired.  

Either way, you are right that it needs to be addressed.  You don't have to hard or harsh, just honest that you feel like you are becoming roomates instead of partners.  

Good luck and let us know how it goes!  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 8:19pm

  You will have to talk to him about it and decide if you want to stay.  * years is a long time and it just could be  growing in different directions.  Not uncommon.  But you do need several plans to have ready.  Are you just working or is it a career?  Are you really ready to buy a house with all the added expenses?  A house ties one down.  Think of the life you want.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 10:46pm

Because he's a grown man you think it's fine to just leave the house without a word to you to hang out with buddies? If you got home from work at 8 every night and then decided to go to the movies with a friend right after work, you'd call him to let him know you'd be late wouldn't you? It's called caring about another person and letting them know of your plans. Once you become a couple, you're accountable to each other. It doesn't mean you're controlling. It means you're informing the other person so they don't worry that you've had a brain anerysm in the other room and that's why the house is so quiet, or that you were perhaps in a car wreck because you were expected home hours ago.

It's fine to have friends, but there should be a balance of time together as a couple, time at work, time with friends and hobbies, etc. Sounds like the time he spends with friends trumps everything right now, and you no longer have a regular companion. I, myself, married to have a companion to spend time with: eating dinner with, to watch our favorite shows together, and to talk in bed with as we listen to the radio before going to sleep, etc. You're feeling lonely because he excludes you from this group, and excludes you from his regular companionship.

I'm guessing that you were teens or in your early twenties when you met, and now are in your late twenties. It's common for people to totally change their life goals and to grow and mature a lot in this time period. I think you two may have grown apart on how you want to build a life, and that's okay. Basically, it seems like you've done most of the maturing and he's regressing. If you want a companion who makes you feel special every day and makes you a priority, and wants the same major things in life as you, then I think you'll have to look elsewhere. Never try to change a person. Choose a man who you don't want to change. If you're frustrated or unhappy most of the time, it's means the person is not the right one for you. You can either tell him your needs and see if he's willing to care enough about you and your relationship to work together on it, or you can tell him you want something more in a relationship and it's time to go your separate ways. Have good memories of your time together and take from it all the lessons learned, good and bad. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 10:51pm

It seems logical that he doesn't want to move since he has his new best friends right down the street.  From what you described, it does sound like you really don't want the same things and you are growing apart.  Maybe he felt like he was neglected if you were working all the time, even though it was for the benefit of both of you.  It's a good excuse that he has that "she doesn't like going out."  Do you think that he got tired of staying home and would like to be with people who are more extroverted?  Whatever the case, I think you should have a talk.  It's not being harsh to him, just say that you observe that the 2 of you aren't doing much together any more and you wonder how he feels about how the relationship is going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 06-16-2014 - 11:47pm

An 8 year relationship that's not moving forward, is actually moving backwards......and two people with two different goals?  As someone else mentioned, you've out grown him,  You don't care for his new friends, and it seems he doesn't want you around them, either.  You bring in the bulk of the income, and additionally even though he's "slacking" on work hours, you still do all the housework, cleaning, laundry, whatever.......while he's with his friends smoking, and I'm sure it's not tobacco.  As the old song goes "what's love got to do with it"?  You say you love him, but after 8 years it's nothing more than a habit.  You don't love his behavior, or his choice of friends.  You don't like his new "attitude".  You wonder if you're being too harsh with him?  How are you being harsh?  He does what he wants, he contributes nothing.....and you say it's all fine.  You know very well it's not.  If you voice your opinion (and you are ALLOWED to have an opinion) I guess he doesn't like it.  Well, you don't like his behavior, so it's a draw.  I think you should continue to look for a place to live, BY YOURSELF.  Leave him with his new friends, and you move on with your life.  Be thankful you don't have to go thru a divorce, unless you live in a "common law" state.  Whatever he WAS, he is no longer.  You don't need this weight around your neck..  Good Luck to you.......you'll be better off on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 06-17-2014 - 4:37pm

So you're working 12 hours a day basically supporting him while he spends 90 % of his time acting like a frat boy hanging and partying with his friends. It sounds like his priorities have changed and he's a lot more interested in hanging with the friends than moving with you to a better place. I think it might be time for you to move on without him and find someone more goal oriented. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
Tue, 06-17-2014 - 7:56pm

Thank you everyone. I did not expect such a big response. You all have really given me a ton to think about. It's funny as today he has actually worked more and taken breaks to go hang out and then will come back and work some more. He even planned a date night for us to catch up on all our shows, as if he knew I was posting about this issue. It's still akward though. I just can't explain it. I know he is not an introvert like myself, even though he likes being home. He will complain sometimes about these same people coming over too much or wanting to hang out too much, but yet, he will not say no. I did hear him tell them he was going to be busy all week so not to be bugging, which at least he did that much, but I know when it comes down to his day off he will be there all day again or them here. I think we do have to have a talk and see what the issue is. Maybe he is feeling the same but doesn't want to say or hurt my feelings. I know i've been quite the downer lately, but it's only becuase I work so much and am exhausted, and I'm sure he sees me down and would rather go "play" with his friends. I don't expect him to be couped up in the office working like I do. He is hyper and would fly through the ceiling, but I would appreciate if some of that energy was used for us. Before I used to try to make plans to go to the park or go walking downtown. We don't do clubs or anything too crowded, as he has a fear something will happen and well I just get tired in crowds, so we like outdoorsy stuff, but even when I made plans, the next day he just wanted to stay in, so he can be just as homebody as me. I used to even ask if I bored him, and he woud laugh saying he thought I would leave him since he was so boring. We live alone in a big city. My friends are far across town and all have kids, so we rarely hang out anymore. His friends all moved out of the city. Neither of our family's live nearby, so it's just us. Now that he found people that he can hang with just houses down I guess it's fun for him since they have smoking in common with him and he can talk with them. Anyhow, we do need to talk. I just need to know how to say what I wanta to say, as I'm really bad at that, and the last thing I want is for him to be offended or think I'm blaming or picking a fight, because I have no anger towards any of it. Like I said, If he is happy and having fun I'm all for it, I just want to be included or at least asked and not an after thought when he has time, because I don't do that with him. Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate your advice. 

Elle

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-18-2014 - 2:27pm

I agree with everyone else, you two are morphing into the kind of adults you are going to be for the rest of your lives, and his path is diverging from yours at this point. I think it is quite common for females to sort of mature and grow faster, and sooner than guys. This could be him just not quite catching up to you yet, or he may never catch up. Sometimes it might be hard to tell which it is. So it comes down to how long are you willing to wait, either way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 06-19-2014 - 11:48pm

Please re-read this second post of yours.  You are making every excuse in the book for HIM......and beating yourself up.  You're boring, you're not good at expressing yourself, he's doing better, he's talking about a date nite........he sounds like Mr. Wonderful  You say he doesn't like crowds because he fears something will happen? Exactly what does he fear will happen?    But that's ok, because you get tired in crowds.  Another excuse for him.  It's your fault because you get tired in crowds. It sounds like a crowd he's hanging with now!  What's his fear there?  That the crowd will get busted for smoking pot?  If you weren't so tired and "down" (?) he wouldn't be going down the street?  You used to make plans to go to the park or go walking downtown.....why did you stop doing that?  Let me guess, he didn't WANT to do that, so you gave up.  Everything you complained about in your first post........is now okay, because it's your fault.....you're down, you get tired, shame on you!  Stop blaming yourself for HIS shortcomings.  You have outgrown this man!  You're a responsible adult that "takes care of business".......he on the other hand is, as someone else called him, a frat boy that hasn't grown up yet.  You are supporting him in more ways than one. 

Yes, you NEED to talk to him, and you need to draw a line in the sand.  He needs to contribute financially, and he needs to help you around the house, too.  If he does that, then once in a while he can go see his friends.......but YOU are supposed to be his top priority......and if he can't make you that, then you need to move back where you came from, and leave him to smoke pot with his friends.  Let THEM take care of him.  No one should need a man so bad that they allow him to make them miserable. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2014
Mon, 07-07-2014 - 3:41pm

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