Am I Crazy?
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Am I Crazy?
| Thu, 11-30-2006 - 6:19pm |
Hi, everyone.
I'm new to the area and to Ivillage, and I REALLY need some advice.
I've been with my fiance for two and a half years, two of which we've been living together. At first, the chemistry was incredible, I was so happy...but after about 3 months, things started to change. He started to become verbally abusive and extremely negative and judgemental to everyone but himself. I tried to confront him, but he just apologizes and starts explaining about things in his childhood that make him act the way he does. You see, he's extremely intelligent, and he's had an extremely difficult life; more than I could imagine. And I think he's a wonderful person, very funny and smart, and he seems to really try. But he's also lazy, angry, judgemental, and has absolutely no ambition. He says he listens to me, but he doesn't and I know he has no real idea of who I am. He actually said that my purpose in life was to be a wife and have children! He tried to backtrack, but what's said is said. I DO want children someday, but I'm 22 years old and I feel like a prisoner. Every time I think of something I want to do, I hear his voice in my head, scoffing and tearing me down. Whenever we fight he just denies everything and tells me my feelings aren't valid and looks at me like I'm crazy. I know I would be happier and definately more fulfilled without him, but everytime I try to leave, he begs and pleads and I doubt myself and my decisions, I'm afraid of making a mistake, and I really don't want to hurt him. Please Please Please help me. I'm not ready to be married, I want my life back, and I feel guilty and afraid.
I'm new to the area and to Ivillage, and I REALLY need some advice.
I've been with my fiance for two and a half years, two of which we've been living together. At first, the chemistry was incredible, I was so happy...but after about 3 months, things started to change. He started to become verbally abusive and extremely negative and judgemental to everyone but himself. I tried to confront him, but he just apologizes and starts explaining about things in his childhood that make him act the way he does. You see, he's extremely intelligent, and he's had an extremely difficult life; more than I could imagine. And I think he's a wonderful person, very funny and smart, and he seems to really try. But he's also lazy, angry, judgemental, and has absolutely no ambition. He says he listens to me, but he doesn't and I know he has no real idea of who I am. He actually said that my purpose in life was to be a wife and have children! He tried to backtrack, but what's said is said. I DO want children someday, but I'm 22 years old and I feel like a prisoner. Every time I think of something I want to do, I hear his voice in my head, scoffing and tearing me down. Whenever we fight he just denies everything and tells me my feelings aren't valid and looks at me like I'm crazy. I know I would be happier and definately more fulfilled without him, but everytime I try to leave, he begs and pleads and I doubt myself and my decisions, I'm afraid of making a mistake, and I really don't want to hurt him. Please Please Please help me. I'm not ready to be married, I want my life back, and I feel guilty and afraid.

queeneverything...
Pianoguy is certain there's an interesting history behind your ivillage user name? But considering the fact you asked for a few thoughts...he'll offer those instead!
1. Your b/f has past issues you can't solve. Simply because he wouldn't be putting you through the 'same past scenerios' over and over again.
2. Nobody should be forced to accept or be subjected to verbal abuse. And it's obvious that you've put up with more than your share? Harmony has to happen between TWO PEOPLE!
3. You can't instill "ambition" in anybody. You can offer encouragement and support, but if your b/f is really intelligent HE'D DO SOMETHING WITH HIS LIFE ASIDE FROM COMPLAIN, PICK ON YOU AND BASICALLY BE LAZY!
4. If you both are fighting now...can you imagine what life would be like AFTER the 2 of you say: "I DO???"
Depending upon the length of your lease and whose name (or names) is on it---make it VERY CLEAR TO YOUR BOYFRIEND that once the lease is up...one of you will be moving! Don't go into a lot of ranting, raving or threatening.
Instead use some of your energy to get yourself out of this messy situation. .
It would be much too easy for me to call your b/f a sexist, male chauvanist pig...because I think you know this about his personality already?
Just get out of there! You've been with him 2 years TOO LONG!
Pianoguy
::I tried to confront him, but he just apologizes and starts explaining about things in his childhood that make him act the way he does.
He's so smart, but unwilling to get help, address his childhood issues so they don't control his life.... and it's all an excuse to continue his bad behavior.
Consider reading this post:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlshouldista&msg=13042.2&x=y
Carrie
OK, you've made your first step in admitting and realizing that this man is NOT GOOD FOR YOU. Please please please be strong and leave him. Yes, he's got some great attributes, but do they override the negative ones?? Can you imagine what it would be like if you two had children together and he talked to them like he's talking to you???? Stand up to this man, HE CANNOT TREAT YOU LIKE THIS. I mean, you have to realize that this could even effect the way your kids would view relationships. If they saw the way their daddy was talking to their mom, they would view that as "normal" and go into relationships with that mindset. Please get out while you can!!!
It sounds like he has not dealt with his past - Maybe counseling would benefit him.
As for you - your life is going to a constant emotional rollar coaster and things will not change unless he gets help. You need to do what's best for you.