am i crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
am i crazy?
2
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 6:54pm

So, like a lot of girls, I read the away messages of my ex because, well, I guess I just want to know what he's doing without me...At any rate, today, I read his and it said "Grabbing some sushi and then off to watch a Spanish movie." Well, when we broke up I had asked him if he was leaving me for another girl and he said no, and he also said that he was not going to be dating anyone for awhile (and he was actually sincere, in fact, he was crying). Well, there's this girl that we both work with and he has a class with her (she just graduated highschool and he's going to be a senior in college) and she's in his spanish class. If he's not home, I know (well, maybe I don't "know", but I'm sure he is since that little whore and him are buddy buddy) he's at her place which is very close to the sushi bar we went to for our first date and one year anniversary from our first date.

If he cares about me still and was even kind of torn up about not being together anymore, how could he possibly go to the same restaurant we had our first date? I talked to one of my friend's friends today and she said that she thinks because I'm so upset that's why I'm thinking the absolute worst, but all I can picture is him so happy with this girl he promised me he wasn't into...

Am I crazy?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: laur1118
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 7:15pm

"Crazy" is too strong a word, but you are obsessing. Now, we've all been there, done that, but it is NOT going to help you to move on and heal.

You need to take him OFF your buddy list or however it is that you're reading his away message....that is CONTACT (indirect contact is still contact!), and it will prevent you from moving on.

And I know you don't want to hear this, but what he does now is really none of your business. It's sad and awful, but it's true. He is free to do whatever he wants, as are you.

Perhaps practicing thought-stopping would help you (see the post below about this)...force yourself to STOP thinking about him every time he comes into your head. At first, you'll have to do this 100 times an hour...but with practice, it really does work.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: laur1118
Thu, 06-23-2005 - 7:39pm

No, you're not crazy...

You're just in a lot of pain and doing silly things right now--things that are only hurting you in the long run. I know it's tough, but STOP READING HIS AWAY MESSAGES!!!

I used to do the same thing...I would check my ex's away message/profile whenever I was online, and they were almost always about him spending time with his new girlfriend. It was awful to read, but I kept it up for awhile because I thought keeping tabs on him was important. I missed him and still wanted to be a part of his life somehow. Since we weren't talking anymore, I was desperate to find out what was happening with him; if he was happy, seeing anyone, etc.

But after awhile I realized that reading his away messages only caused me pain...I just wanted to throw up whenever it said he was with his new girlfriend or that he loved her, whatever. Soon I decided that I was sick of hurting myself and basically forced myself to see how long I could go without checking his away message/profile. I would take it day by day...eventually one day turned into two days, and two into three, etc. I also took him off of my buddy list to make it a little easier. It was really tough for the first few weeks because I was super curious about his life. But eventually I began to stop caring as much; I didn't NEED to or even *want* to know what he was doing.

Now I don't even remember the last time that I checked his away message/profile. And even though we've talked somewhat recently and things are fairly civil between us now, he's still not on my buddy list. I think that checking away messages is just yet another way of trying to hold onto somebody. It's almost as hard to stop doing as cutting off contact with an ex is...actually, it IS a type of contact in a way. And I don't know if you've stopped having contact with your ex yet, but if you haven't, you'll understand soon...it's a process, and you'll experience a lot of different emotions along the way. Don't be surprised if you have a relapse either...it happens. But just try and stay strong and OUT of contact with the ex...it helps, it really does--as hard and as painful as it may be.

Your friend is probably right too--you're definitely overanalyzing his away message. Who knows if he's getting sushi/watching a movie by himself or with a girl? It shouldn't concern you now, ESPECIALLY because knowing these kinds of things only hurts you. Remember this: WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW CAN'T HURT YOU!!! Sometimes it's just better not to know...