am i crazy...or is it just him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
am i crazy...or is it just him?
5
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:04pm

My boyfriend and I separated at the beginning of March…of course, that was after the girl he had been sleeping with, while he was with me called me and worked me over to get me out of his (and her) life. She decided that she wanted my man and she made sure she got him. In the meanwhile, he b.s.’ed me for a month telling me he loved me and knew that he and I would end up together in the end.

At the beginning of May, he moved in with her and they now live together. I have changed my home phone number, but he still calls my cell phone and IM’s and emails me at work. He only calls when she isn’t around and if she shows up he hangs up on me. Now, I am very much in love with this guy and am willing to start over with him and work it out, but he’s living and sleeping in another girl’s house. I don’t understand why he is still calling me and trying to be in contact with me, he said he loved her and wanted to be with her, so I have left the two of them along and decided that if they want each other then they can have each other. But, he will not let me heal from the wounds he left me with. Why is he still calling me and wanting to know “how I’m doing?” and to talk about how it was between us? Just the other day he called and said that he and her communicate very well, something we didn’t do well, but they don’t take care of each other the way that he and I did.

So, I need some advice, am I crazy or are we both a little nuts? Please help….I don’t know how much longer I can live with the heartache.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:56pm

well I'll tell you what people have been telling me.

* he wants to have his cake and eat it too
* he wants you there as a back up just incase they don't work out
* he may feel slightly guilty for what he's done.

you're not crazy - sometimes we just do things that we normally wouldn't do for people that we feel love for. even ignoring the facts that are right there in our faces (ie. he left to live with another woman) that maybe we aren't really meant for each other even though at times we think we are.

you can wait until this tides over - i think they might probably break up over time - but do you really want to be his second best? maybe years down the line if you run into each other again you can give it a try, but now? i'd try to cut your loses before you get even more invested than you are. and hurt even more at the outcome.

blah. relationships suck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:27pm
It seems you might be a little too tolerant for your own good. He's behaving this way because HE CAN. It's like a two-year-old pushing the limits with mommy. Maybe if I put my hand in the cookie jar really fast she won't say anything. And she doesn't say anything. The next thing you know, the kid is on the ground with cookies all around him. Your man is the kid and you two women are the cookies all around him- getting stale and ready to be stepped on.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:59pm

I'm sorry, I know you care for this guy, but what he's doing makes me angry for both you and the woman he's living with. It's SOOO selfish and hurtful to BOTH of you! Plus, what does it say about his character that he would cheat on you, and is now basically cheating on her as well with you (not physically but emotionally).

What you need to do is tell him to call you IF AND WHEN the two of them split up and are living apart, and to leave you alone in the meantime. But then you'd still have the character issue...is that really the type of man you want?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:43pm
I don't think you're "crazy"...you're just very much in love with him still which can make you seem crazy at times and make you put up with way more crap then you should!!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 5:00pm
Thanks everyone, just wanted to let you know that I have finally “had enough”. On 5/31 the day before the 2 year anniversary of the day we met, I decided to prove a few things to myself. He stayed in very close contact the past few weeks, wanting me to listen to his “tales of woe”. Give me a break, life is hard and other people deal with it. Anyway, his new girlfriend supposedly has a bad drug problem and many other problems, and my life (and the life we shared) looks like a bed of roses now. I guess my weight issues don’t look so bad now, but too bad for him. I decided to call the girlfriend and let her know that he had been telling all of their business and had been in contact with me the entire time we have been broken up, little did I realize how much those two deserve each other. They’re the ones that are nuts, it’s great to realize that I am at least semi-normal. She came up with all kinds of crazy nonsense, and he wanted me to tell her I was making up all the stuff I said. Anyway, to cut to the chase he tried so hard to hurt my feelings by saying unkind things, but it felt so great, because I knew he didn’t mean them and they just bounced right off of me. I decided that I can no longer protect him, I have to protect me. I’ve realized I’m quite normal to expect my partner to respect me and love me for who I am. So thanks everyone, I finally have started healing and I feel fabulous. In fact, I know that there is someone out there for me, I just have to find him. So, I’m off on my search, well after a reasonable amount of “ME” time.