Am I in Denial, just stupid, or what?
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| Mon, 06-26-2006 - 10:24am |
Ok, many of you know my situation. My ex and I were together 4.5 years, since our Junior year in highschool. He is 22, I'm 21. He broke up with me 9 weeks ago because he didn't want to be in a relationship right now, needed to be alone, was trying to figure out what he wanted out of life, etc...
He told me he still loved me and we agreed to keep in touch, he even said if he changed his mind he would let me know. At first we talked, but then one day I made the decision of No Contact. We didn't talk for 4 weeks. When we finally did talk almost 2 weeks ago it was great, he told me he was so glad I had called because he was beginning to think I hated him. He sounded genuinely happy that I had called him. During this phone call I made the mistake of asking him if he wanted to hang out. He said he would think about it.
Well a couple of days later he called and told me that he wasn't ready to see me and that he needed more time (WTF?). So that was fine, I told him I wasn't going to force him to talk to me or hang out with me if he wasn't ready for that.
2 days later he called again, to see if I had been talking to his friend on myspace.com. I told him the truth that I had, but that it was completely innocent. I wasn't talking to his friend to find out what he was up to, or to try and get with his friend. It was harmless chat. We talked some more about things going on in our lives and ended the conversation. We haven't talked since.
I'm trying so hard to not call him, but that urge is very strong. I know when I'm ready to call him I will, but right now I guess I'm sorta testing him to see if he will call me.
My question is am I in denial for having hope that one day we can get back together? I know that the love between us is still there, its evident when we talk on the phone. He said he needs more time before he can see me, which I think maybe means that he knows if he sees me right now he's going to want me back, but he's not ready yet.
So am I in denial, or is it realistic to have that hope? Am I just stupid for thinking that its possible?
I'm not exactly waiting around for him, I'm getting out there acting like a single girl, flirting with the guys that sort of thing, but I still hope that one day we can get back together.
Thoughts please?
Thank you,
~Amber~

Hi Amber,
You commented me... so i thought i'd do the same. You're right, there's something about the fact that everyone here is going through this that helps for some strange reason.
So i was talking to one of my friends today, and i thought i'd share her thoughts to me. She told me that moving on doesn't mean you don't love him. Moving on doesn't mean you don't want to be with him. It doesn't even mean you can't/won't get back later. It just means you're moving on.
Now personally, i hate the idea of moving on. I miss him. I want to be with him right now. I hate the thought of him with somoene else. I want to wait for him... But she's right. She's right in my situation. And she's right in yours.
You and i both can secretly hold on to the hope of getting back together. I'd love it if he called and said he wants me back. But in the mean time, you have to do what's best for you...which is 1. healing your heart and 2. not putting all your eggs in his basket.
I thought about what she said, and it makes sense. Just because you try to move on doesn't mean that you can't/won't ever get back. I know your situation is a little different then mine because you were together for 4.5 years... and i was only together for 6 months. But i can tell you that i don't want anyone else, and i know you don't either. And i miss him like crazy, and i know you do too. And no, i don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that you hope you'll get back together. BUT, i will tell you, from reading your post, i think you may be reading a little bit much into his "right now"... kind of like if you read my post, you'll see all the things that jeremy said that i'm reading in to. Hope can be okay, but if he doesn't come back, you don't want to waste another big chunk of your life. And if he does come back, and you've moved on, he may think more of you... and you'll get to be the one to decide whether or not to give it another shot.
- Mikki
Hi, thanks for your post.
I completely understand what you mean about the "right now". It just seems like I can't think about the future. I wish I had a crystal ball!!!LOL!
Break ups are extremely hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. But hey I'm getting through it. I'm doing extremely well!
And I have essentially moved on. I'm just living my life, with the knowledge that if he and I are supposed to be together we will be. But I can't wait around moping, and being depressed about the whole thing. I don't want to waste my life wishing I was with him.
Every time we talk on the phone I don't even get into the whole relationship stuff. It would just hurt too much and he broke up with me so if he wants to bring it up, he can.
I know that he needs his space and like he said he needs more time. Okay, I'll give it to him. He knows me well enough to know that I'm not moping around waiting on him. I'm way to strong of a person for that. And if he never wants me back, its his loss.
If he wants to throw away a 4.5 year relationship its on his head.
I'm not angry with him at all. In fact I am extremely grateful to him for everything he did for me, and everything he taught me.
Before we got together, I didn't believe in love, I didn't want to get married, and I didn't want children. Now that I've been with him and fallen in love with him, I believe in love, I do want to get married one day, and I do want children one day.
I know I can't do anything to get him to want me back. Its his decision and if he ever does then I will have a choice to make, to either get back with him and trust that he won't hurt me again or I can tell him it's too late and that I can't trust him again. I don't dwell on the "maybes" so much. If I did I would go crazy. I will just cross that bridge when it comes to me!
I wish you luck in your situation and keep me posted. I'm here to help you as you've helped me!
~Amber~