Am I Denying the Obvious?
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| Fri, 11-02-2007 - 3:49pm |
My boyfriend and I had gotten in an argument right before the weekend. I didn't see him all weekend. Sunday, after I got off of church, I spoke with his mother and she said he got picked up for public intoxication. Monday, he shows up at my work and brings me flowers saying they are for our anniversary. Our anniversary is a week away, takes me out to dinner all week, etc. Okay, I went all week, like nothing happen. I waited for him to tell me., but he never did. Our small town paper came out and I knew his name would be in it. I didn't see it until now. Well, come to find out not only did he get picked up for P.I. but also T.O.C., and this girl who we know also got picked up and her name was in the paper with his. Same cop, same time, same reason, except for she got dui. I asked his mother and she told me, yes he was with her but just to get a ride home. He denied everything, then after the 5th time I questioned him he admits he was with her.

Hugs,
Dbest
Welcome to the board martee73,
Sorry I don't know what a T.O.C. is, but
If I ever hated anything in my relationships, it was lies. I didn't mind it that much if my boyfriend told me he'll go out with another girl, but I was really hurt a lot if I found out about it later from someone else. If he can't be honest with you, he doesn't respect you enough to deserve to be with you. I'd much rather deal with a honest story about what happened, and even excuses for what he did, than with denying something so obvious. Confront him about it, and end the relationship. You say it's not the first time he did something like this, so I don't see why he would ever stop.
Good luck!
It's so easy for others to sit back and look at a situation and think the answers are obvious... but for what it's worth, it was in print.
The answer to your top question is yes, you are denying the obvious. You want so badly for your good-girl goodness to "fix" this guy you can't believe he wouldn't be swayed by it. Truth is, he's not being swayed by it. Not now, maybe not ever.
Read that last part again: Maybe not ever. Question is, can you live that way?
The deal is it's TOTALLY IMMATERIAL whether he's cheating on you with this woman in the car or not, what's important to note is that he thinks you're so much the FOOL that he'll even try to deny a NEWSPAPER article on the situation, and expect you to believe him just because he said so.
You're no one's fool.
So, a few things popped out at me from your posts:
1. He's a very smooth talker, if he can get you thinking you might be wrong about this even when it's IN PRINT in front of your face. Professional liars and con artists are like this.
2. ....."He denies everything so much, says he loves me and swears everything is not true. I even doubt myself sometimes, because he sounds so convincing."..... Do you want to live feeling the way you do right this second for the rest of your life? Because that IS what you are signing up for if you stay with him yet again. Then you WILL be his fool.
3. ....."I don't know why I question my decisions, I don't know if I am justified or do I overreact? Also, why do I even question myself, this time it was just so obvious not to only me but everyone else in town who saw that paper."..... Because he's got you going in circles, right where he wants you. Con artists can't be con artists without someone to take advantage of, what they call a "patsy." He's got your gut instinct so far off-kilter that you don't even believe yourself. Part of the reason for that is because the truth of this man is pretty ugly and it's so much nicer to believe the fairy tales we tell ourselves. But you don't live in a fairy tale, you live in real life and people have been trying to save you from yourself (your disbelief in their stories about him) for a very long time. No one can do it for you, you have to stand on your own two feet now. Stop helping him lie to you by believing his stories.
So there you go. See, if a person lies to us one time and gets away with it, that's one thing, it sucks but it happens. But if a person lies to us repeatedly, and nothing ever happens because of it, what's really going on is we're HELPING them lie to us by choosing not to look at the truth.
Your choice. It's in black and white right under your nose.
Good luck,