am I doing the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
am I doing the right thing?
4
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 5:47pm

Bear with me - this is long. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of six months. I just need to know if I am doing the right thing, or if there is something else I should do in this situation.

After the break up, we were still friends and getting along, but about two weeks ago, J blew up and left 2 very angry, mean, and hurtful voice mails. He told me I was a waste, made fun of my skin problems, told me I was "the least hot girl" he'd ever dated (and no, he is not 12!). Over the next week he sent a lot of really ugly text messages telling me I had mental problems, that he hated me, and that he had forgotten my name. I finally changed my phone number, because he was keeping me awake at night with all of these messages. The next week, he sent me flowers at work with a card apologizing and saying he loved me. we e-mailed back and forth - mostly with me trying to nicely say don't contact me again, and with J trying to explain and apologize. He brought me a bagel and a mixed CD at work (again,not 12!!). He sent me a long e-mail saying that he had issues because of his mother abandoning him. I again sent him an e-mail telling him it was over, and to please let me go - he showed up at my house 15 minutes later (this was today) - and begged for about 30 minutes for me to give him another chance. I told him that I cared about him, but I couldn't do it anymore and that it wouldn't work. (this is not the first time he has blown up at me and done this song and dance). He was crying when he left, and said he was coming to me for help,and please give him another chance.

After he left, I felt so bad about him being so upset, so I sent him a text message saying I'm sorry I hurt you. When he got home he sent an e-mail saying that he was disappointed in me because he thought I cared more about him. He also said "how could you take me back after telling your friends and family how horrible I am" -

I have a tendency to feel very responsible for other people's well being - this has gotten me into trouble many times,and I have been working on that and trying to take care of myself first.

I am feeling guilty and like I owe him some sort of explanation. Am I doing the right thing to stop answering his e-mails and just let it go, or should I try to talk to him more? I don't want him to be hurt, and I don't want to feel like I have done something to cause that. I appreciate you all reading this LONG post!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 7:07pm

Wow, I thought MY ex was manipulative...but yours beats him by a mile!!!

He needs to get help and stop playing victim. This isn't your problem to fix...the best thing you can do is cut off all contact *pronto*.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:35pm

HI tgrfn

its very natural to a relationship to have a bad conversation..but the thing is sometime were saying it but were not to meant to say it right...most of the time we used those word that we think that make them feel bad and esp we say something BAD to our friends and family. just to feel better coz were mad at them and later we regret it!

i mean if your inlove with this person why dont you give him another chance. i mean are you sure you want to let go of this person?

your the only person could tell if he love you. IF YOU GUYS ARE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN TREAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE A GLASS. ITS VERY FRAGILE!!! ONCE YOU BREAK IT AGAIN ITS HARD TO PUT THE PIECES BACK..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:51am

DO NOT try and talk to him more.

He sounds unstable and he also sounds like a guy I once dated. You have done your part letting him down easy and he freaked out. If he is capable of saying those horrible things to you, lord only knows when he'll do it again. Or escalate to something physical. You just never know.

Your story reminded me of a guy I dated years ago (who my friends and I still laugh about). He was Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde... when I broke things off with him, he left me 30 voicemails between my home phone and cell phone... similar to yours about how I was an "a-hole", how he wanted the furniture he gave me back (he never got it), very sarcastic comments, etc etc. He was also wasted at the time of these messages. He was verbally abusive and I do not regret walking away from that one. And to top it off, he was 40 and I was 25 at the time. Mature!

Do yourself a favor and be selfish for once. You said you feel responsible for the way people feel (I understand, I like making people happy, etc. too), but really you have to look out for #1. Even if you have "good moments" with him. He can't be nasty to you one minute, and sending you roses the next.

take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 4:34pm
Thanks for the advice. This has been completely taking over my life, and I do need to learn how to stick up for myself and perhaps even be a bit selfish.