am i falling out of love or is this norm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
am i falling out of love or is this norm
9
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:28pm
Hi all. I'm new to this site but thought that you all would be the people to talk to about this issue I've been dealing with for about a month or so......

My husband and I have been together for 10 years-we met in college. I just turned 31 btw. We've been married for 5 years as of this past September. I have been feeling a lack of sex drive for about a year now and things-all things with us have become very routine. I understand taht this happens with couples that have been with each other for so long but I'm only 31 and want to stop feeling this way towards my husband. It's only me that feels this way by the way.....he understands where i'm coming from but things just don't seem to change. I wonder if he was only meant to be my friend (best) and if I"m falling out of love with him? We get along great-as best friends would but the spark isn't there at all for me anymore. Is this common and should i be happy that he and i get along so well and that we're still together after 10 years? Or is this something I should really be concerned about....I was a bit depressed for a couple of weeks-very confused with these thoughts that i never thought i'd be faced with. Plus...to make matters worse, my ex-boyfriend who i hadn't seen in 13 years has come out of the woodwork. He found my email and we've been emailing, privately, back and forth. He knows my situation and has been supportive-he's not trying to get me back or anything or make things confusing but he did throw in every little detail that he remembered of me and that was very nice to hear. He lives in LA and I'm on the west coast so luckily-we don't see each other. the thing that bothers me about talking to him is that i realized that the only reason I left him was because I was going to college-he was in the same city going to a different college and I felt that he wanted too much of my time when i first moved into the dorms....we got along great and had great chemistry-only left him for the "space" factor. so seeing this, i'm wondering if this is a pattern on my part-do i fall out of love with people or get bored and feel the need to move on? and, would i still have the chemistry that my ex and I shared if we were still together or is this something that gets lost no matter who you're with-just a matter of time.....i think back of him alot lately. not taht i want to leave my husband-but think back about what if...what if i wasn't so selfish and stayed with my ex-how would things have turned out? it was just a turning point in my life-going away to college and seeing my ex (boyfriend at the time) all the time and i just need to adjust but i chose to end it rather than do so. i'm sorry for rattling on...but i want you to get the honest story behind my feelings. no...not because of my ex coming out of the blue that i've felt lacking in the "love" department lately....(not only sexually but emotionally) so i know it's not him that's confusing my husband's and my relationship. i just need to figure out-should i stick with my husband-a good man-and continue feeling an empty space or do i need to move on some how...it's not like i can go away for an extended period of time to sort things out. we live in a city without any family so i can't really just crash somewhere and get the time alone....

any personal experiences would be helpful and advice.

thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:11pm
hi there... I'm not sure if this is normal for everyone or not... but the same thing happened to me...I'm only 36 yrs old... I actually went to the doc and had my hormone levels checked... no probs there... it took me a while to figure out the problem for me... it wasn't that I lost my sex drive completely (altho it has slowed down some) but rather that I had lost it with my husband... sound about right?

one thing you said got my attn because I finally figured out this was the SAME problem for me... when the marriage lost the EMOTIONAL intimacy is when I finally identified that I lost the sexual intimacy. For me sex is nice but the emotional connection is what I truly crave more than anything... if that were not the case then I could be sexually fulfilled with anyone and one night stands would be great... NOT the case for me. To me it's all about how I FEEL when I'm with my partner... when my husband was considerate, sweet, left little love notes, when I felt like he LOVED me, there was no stopping me... as he stopped doing those things (heck he even stopped buying cards for holidays and did NOTHING for Valentines Day this year...) I felt a lessening in my sexual interest for him... does this make sense? I hope so... anyway... that may be something for you to consider... and if you DO want to save your marriage... please be careful with the contact with the ex... you are creating emotional distance as well, by sharing those private feelings with another man... my husband did the same thing with another woman and then ended up walking out on me... she is gone already but so is my marriage...

not trying to scare you or tell you what to do... just wanted to share my perspective as to how these things affected me... good luck and I hope whatever you decide will make you happy... as my counselor said to my ex "You have to CHOOSE to be happy"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:07pm
Thank you for sharing. I agree.....if there's no extra effort shown towards me from my husband such as planning special things or getting me something small once in a while, how can he expect me to keep my love alive for him? as i mentioned before, a candle's fire will burn out if not attended to......right? you're experience sounds very similar. I do know that i shouldn't be tlaking to my ex and feel guilty about doing so...i certainly would go off the hook if i found out my hus was doing that. i also know that it's making me more confused even though i was having these feelings before i started talking to my ex. i just feel that my ex has qualities that i want my hus to have....

i so appreciate you sharing your opinion. i do need my husband to start showing me more affection and not have either of us take us for granted. we have a good relationship and he has NO problems.....it's just me and i just get scared that one of these days i'll look back and say...what was i doing wasting my time in an unfulfilling relationship? i don't want to have my husband be ONLY my best friend-i really need him as my lover too!

thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:58pm
I have so been there, done that. Eventually ended my marriage because we could not recapture any sexual feelings for each other at all. Do yourself a favor, though, and get into counseling, ideally into couples counseling together. And tell him your insight that you're not sexually attracted unless you feel wanted. Try maybe a vacation or something, where you can see each other out of the mundane routine and appreciate the little things again, like freckles and his voice and how much fun it is just to be together. Just make some real efforts to save your marriage, your lack of interest may be related to problems elsewhere in your life (job, health, etc.), and you'll feel a lot better about calling it quits if you ultimately decide to AFTER you've given it your all and not just jumped out when things get down. You'd be surprised that sometimes you can regain sexual attraction, it's happened for other people, give counseling a try.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:28pm
thanks...i've thought of this......may do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:17pm
while driving home from work tonight, thinking of all your advice that i gratefully appreciate, i wondered about my initial question....how do i know if i'm falling out of love with my husband or if this really is just a gliche? how do i know the feeligns that i've rekindled by walking down memory lane with my ex and talking about my current situation aren't just old feelings but new ones found after 13 years? how do i know????
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:12pm
I guess I'm not sure why it matters. Do you respect your husband, appreciate him for the unique person he is, feel that he respects and appreciates you? Do you believe he shares compatible values, goals, and worldview outlook? Do you have any concern that he lies to you, belittles you, abuses you, or is apathetic and disinterested toward you? If you think he's a good, kind, decent man, and you want him to be happy, believe he wants you to be happy, and you both prioritize and accommodate each others' needs and dreams, then what seems to be missing from the "love" equation at the moment, right now, is the giddy sexual attraction. And, (1) it isn't reasonable to expect passion like in the old days forever, though you shouldn't accept a total absence of sexual affection, and (2) it's possible that's gone AWOL for other reasons, including potential health problems or dissatisfaction with other areas of your life. It's possible a skilled therapist can help you and your husband rediscover sexual attraction for each other. I'm just not sure what your point is about "am I in love now, or am I just remembering being in love 10 years ago?" Of course your love is built on a foundation of happy memories. Of course you were more intensely infatuated with him at some point in your early relationship. That doesn't mean that what you have now hasn't grown from what you started with. That doesn't mean it's not love now. You can't keep having first dates and long talks into the night discovering things about each other after 10 years. You may need to spark something to recapture that feeling of it being shiny and new, but you'll have to work to do that.

And, let me say this, with a divorce under my belt - the world is not full of promising, compatible potential partners, the way it seems from inside half a somewhat unhappy couple. Giddy infatuation all too often leads absolutely nowhere, or to intense heartbreak rather than the vague dissatisfaction you're experiencing. It's harder than you think to find a compatible partner. And finding your prince isn't going to turn your life around. I'd bet some of your dissatisfaction, which you're looking at solely in terms of your husband, is actually spilling over from other areas of your life, and finding a new partner won't cure your dissatisfaction because a new partner isn't a miraculous solution to bring you neverending joy and light. My advice is to invest some of yourself in making your relationship work, because you're sitting back, disengaged and evaluating at the moment, waiting for your husband to "do" something to make you "fall in love" again. You can hit the road and fall into lust and infatuation with someone new, but odds are you'll have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding another prince, and maybe you need to make more of an effort to create that old feeling yourself before discarding the life you've built with your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:32pm
that's some excellent and valuable insight milton...

here's another good thing to do to determine how you feel (IMHO anyway):

imagine your life without your husband... if you never, ever get to see him again... is that OK with you? Imagine it... really put yourself there. And then think about how it feels...

I can imagine life without a coworker with a minimum of pain (and some of them I would be thrilled to see go...LOL) but imagining life without a family member or others that I truly love is painful... makes me want to cry just thinking about it...

just another thought for you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 10:09am
good idea....have done this to test my feelings but it's so hard to figure out the reality of it if I'm still seeing and talking to him everyday. I would really like to cut the ties for a week straight, but it's impossible. i don't have anywhere to go unless i stay in a hotel....at times, when i've tested this thought mentally, i feel like i'd be ok if he wasn't my husband anymore but then i feel that he is my best friend and who would i run to if i wanted to share something with that only he would care about. it's a tough call.....if i could have the best of both worlds, maybe i'd be with another man and have my hus serve as my best friend. however, this wouldn't happen. i've brought up hypothetical questions before like....if i ever left you would you want to remain in contact???? his answer is absolutely NOT....wouldn't want to be a part of my life-he claims it would be too hard on him hearing about new men in my life.

agh....so confused! it's really hard when i 'm this confused to try to look on the bright side and see what will make the spark come back......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 8:04pm
Theres one more thing people havent said yet although i full hearedly agree with everything everyone said.

Often when the 'spark' disappears for one, the finger gets pointed to the other. Problem #1. Often as milton mentioned, the problem lies within yourself. Instead of waiting for your husband to do soemthing romantic, why not do it yourself? Sometimes it just takes putting yourselves in a romantic situation to feel, even if its an inkling of those feelings agains. The problem with day to day life is its just that! You have to work hard at maintain the romantic feelings and no, they wont be there like they were in the beginning, but i think people think that once thats gone, thats it! I think its the opposite actually, i think with effort and work (yes work) you can reach another level that is even more intense. And the next level, will probably require even more commitment, vulnerability, communication but again, will be so much more intense again.

My ex dumped me because he said 'the sexual chemistry wasnt the same'. But you know what, i dont remember him trying. I wouldnt have even minded if we broke up after trying, but if you respect and love your husband, he deserves at least that.

As Milton said, its a tough singles world out there and i think your husband is being unfairly compared (even if its subconscious) to this new and exciting 'ex' that has entered the picture. Perhaps if you spent the energy you spend on him, on your husband, you may be seeing some progress.

Take care, good luck and dive right into trying to make this work.