Am I the fool?
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| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:51pm |
I just need some kind words of advice as to how I should get over this! Do I look like the desperate fool?!
Beginning of the story...
I signed up for an online dating service about one year ago because it seemed fun... meet tons of people in my area and the pest part is getting to see and learn about him before anything progressed.
Let me say, online dating is awesome if you want to meet a lot of people. I was the date queen. I met many guys - some were fun, some were dorks, and all were nice, believe it or not. And I have always been a "breezy" dater... haven't had a serious relationship in years, and like it that way! While holding my Queen of Online Dating title, I averaged 3-5 dates per week. Insane, I know.
Then I met this guy and he knocked my socks off. We met on the dating site, and the minute I started talking to him, I knew I was hooked. We talked online literally all night... then at 7 am we decided to meet for breakfast. Don't worry - I felt fine meeting him. Through our 10-hour conversation I learned that he knew quite a few mutual friends, and I trusted him.
Well, breakfast was awkward, to say the least. But I knew I had a definite connection with the man. We had a nervous conversation over pancakes, and then went to work. When I got to my office, I emailed him and let him know that I was definitely interested. One week later... no response.
Finally I sent another email asking what his problem was... I'm like that. I don't let things go and I push and push until I get an answer. I know men appreciate straight-forward women who ask for what they want, but you will come to understand how my being up-front screws me in the end.
So I asked him what the deal was. His response? "I'm not ready for someone to like me." He was married, then divorced. She cheated. She left. I understood completely. No doubt about that.
So I let it go. I'll let it go once I have (what I believe to be) an honest answer. But of course, like 99% of all the men in my life, he came back and wanted to "give this a try." Great. I knew there was something there, and was willing to see what it was.
We hit it off, however, our relationship moved sloooowwwww... took months for him to ever meet my friends and I knew only a couple of his from a long time ago in college. We rarely went out. He never took me out. Everything about this relationship screamed "I'm keeping you a secret," while when we were together, it felt SO real. I know (but am questioning myself now) that he had true feelings at some point or another, as well.
Then about a month and a half after we met, I had to do it; the "what are we doing" conversation. I didn't strike it up that way (I'm not that stupid), but I did tell him that I had had my share of fun, casual relationships, and that eventually I want more.
He was gone so fast I could barely see it happen. I tried contacting him... no response. I even tried sending him an instant message one night and he had denied my message and blocked my user name. Great. At that point, I gave up. And the moment I stopped chasing... guess who came back to see me. Him. About two and a half weeks after he disappeared, he resurfaced, acting as though nothing had happened. Did he want something more? Did he understand where I was coming from? Not sure and I'll never know. Why? Because I didn't demand that I understand his intentions. I was just happy he wanted to see me again. My straight forward tendencies were fading and I surrendered all ability to be in control of myself in this relationship the moment I got back together with him KNOWING he only wanted a casual relationship.
After that, things went well for about three months. We saw eachother regularly. Began to do (some) things together, although it wasn't the romancing I really wanted. But my connection to him was SO strong, I figured any connection is better than none.
Over the past few months I felt myself falling.
Two weeks ago I demanded another "where are we" conversation. He avoided it, then continued to talk to me for a couple days, and then cut off all communication one week ago. I then got angry and realized I did not want to put up with this hanging feeling anymore. I sent him an email calling things off and asked that he doesn't contact me because it will only cause me grief. It was mature and to-the-point.
OF COURSE he responded with a snide, controlling remark to the effect of "I'm not going to respond to you" (although THAT in itself was a response!). I contacted him next after a few too many cocktails asking if we could work on this and telling him (and BOY is this desperate) that I need him no matter what.
The morning after my drunk, text-messaging rampage I received an email from him. He apologized for hurting me. He said he had always been clear about his intentions in our "relationship" and that he had met someone LAST WEEK and has decided to pursue a relationship with her.
So here I am. Heart broken. Confused. Pissed-off. I feel like I invested SO much more into this and that I look like a desperate fool who is dealing with a "break up" when really it was just a sexual relationship with no emotions involved (or at least that's how his final words made me feel). Did he honestly have no emotional connection with me? Who has a "casual" relationship for six months with no feelings? It was intense at moments, and I can't believe he is making me feel like this. I just wanted a better let-down, I guess. But he made me do it (ending it, I mean), and then had to drive the dagger in a bit deeper with his "pursuance" of a new woman he's known SEVEN days.
Advice? How can I feel better about this? HELP.

You can't feel better about it. You will have to mourn the loss before your heart can heal. Lots of men and women too have casual relationships that last longer than six months. In his defense, he never promised you anything. It sounds like he was aboveboard. He didn't treat you very well and you put up with it.
Use this time alone to understand why you got into this situation and what kept you in an unsatisfying relationship for so long. If you have never been in therapy, you might consider seeing someone for a few months. It could lead to self-understanding. Don't beat yourself up ... You got into a relationship with a jerk who didn't treat you well. You kept hoping he would change. A lot of us have been there, done that. You will survive this.
In time you will feel better. Even if you do nothing you will feel better. If you can lean on your friends, that will speed up the healing process. If you read and post here a lot, that will speed it up too. If you try to figure out why you put up with that, that will also help. Don't know what else to say right now. Sorry you got into this mess ... We're here for you.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I totally understand falling for someone who just sees you as a fling...it hurts. Your feelings of hurt are still there, even if it was just a casual thing to him. What's helped me move on is to accept responsibility for my choice to get involved with someone who made it very clear he wasn't looking for a relationship with me. Now you know you can't do "casual" without falling for the guy...so hopefully you will make a different choice next time (and so will I ;-)).
He may well have had some sort of emotional connection with you but it wasn't strong enough to overcome his reluctance to be in a relationship. For some reason, a lot of men seem to find it easier to spend time with someone without wanting "more".
I do have to give him credit though, he was clear with you that he wasn't ready. You decided to take the risk, knowing that, and unfortunately this is the result. And while his pursuing another woman isn't something that's pleasant for you to know, look on the bright side...he's not available for you to go back to and that is a GOOD thing, because he doesn't want what you want.
Sheri
You are VERY right and I appreciate your reinforcing words. He did have feelings - I know that. But for some reason (and I'm not even going to drag myself through the possiblities), he didn't see me as a person for a relationship. IT'S NOT THAT HE DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP...HE DIDN'T WANT ONE WITH ME. And I let that happen. You couldn't be more on the money about that.
My mom has an interesting theory, and I don't know what to think of it. I tend to choose unavailable men; and I usually know this in the beginning. I have had plenty of opportunities with men who DO want something more than casual, but I'm not interested. My mom thinks it's because deep down, I don't want to commit, either.
What do you think?
Also, you are very right. I will be over this and soon. Writing makes me feel SO much better... almost more than talking. You get it all out there with no judgement, no instant opinions, no spontaneous feedback. If only relationships can be like this.
This board not exactly saved my life, but it certinly has saved my sanity. I have NO IDEA where i would be mentally if it weren't for the great people here, so feel free (and I mean that) to post as often as you like for any little reason. For me, sometimes it's just the typing it out that helps the most, but the responses I've gotten have been so great too - I wish you guys could all come over for dinner one night!
But I digress, which is my specialty.
I've dated the unavailable man before. I would have so much self-confidence in the beginning that I was sure either I would be satisfied with a fling, or he'd realize i was the best thing that ever happened to him and 'come around'. Well, sadly and not surprisingly, option number 1 has happened rarely if ever and option number 2? Never.
You told us about your mom's theory (smart woman). Have you given it any thought? From what you said, not having a 'relationship' for years but just casually dating, it doesn't sound like you're looking to settle down anytime soon. What was it about this guy that made you change and start wanting those things? The other posts are right that he didn't make empty promises to you (which might be the best thing I can say about him, as he sounded like a classic commitment-phobe - so annoying).
Anyway, let us know how you're doing and post as often as you like.
L