Am I going to lose him?
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| Wed, 01-02-2008 - 12:34am |
Here is my story and it is rather long.
When I was 17 (almost 18) I met the greatest man I had ever met while interning at a company (which I stayed at for almost 10 years). At the time (summer of 1997), I thought he was just out of high school/starting college. I didn't know at first that he was 6.5 years older than me, and married. I pursued him for a long while (just simple flirting since I was shy), until he got divorced later on the next year for other reasons. Anyway ...... we hooked up in August of 1999 (I had graduated HS in May of '99 and was starting college that Summer), and I later moved in with him in October of 2000. HE WAS COMPLETELY DIVORCED!! I don't want anyone thinking bad of me ....
My parents hate him. Have since day one. Over protective, and controlling parents. Controlling to the point that they have ruined my relationship with my -- with who was once my man. We had been engaged since August 21st of 2001. However, due to my schooling (which is taking longer than first expected), I postponed our wedding plans (that we never talked about) for the sake of getting financial aid. With my low income I could get more loans than if I was married. Blah blah.
Back to the controlling parents. My father has made me choose between him and the man we will call Esteban. My father treats me as though I am 12 and thinks I cannot make choices for myself ... when in reality, I am 27 and can think for myself. He hates Esteban so much that he has told my mothers parents to pretty much f' off since they met Esteban. And, my parents are going to be getting a divorce (if my mom can actually get the balls to do so) because of my dads actions toward her family.
When I was younger and living with my parents I always tried my best to please my dad. I always begged for approval and I never received any. My relatives have told me that when I was younger my dad told me, "You will never amount to anything". So, perhaps this is why I try to get his approval ... and that is probably why he is able to control me so well. And thus, making the perfect relationship that I had with Esteban hell. This is probably the reason as to why I seek out affection, and approval from other males ...
In July of 2007, I posted on a web site that I frequent that I wasn't sure who I was and that I was seeking out other male interaction/approval from the CEO where I was working. He and I had gotten drinks twice and I said on the website that he and I had more in common than Esteban and I had. I was really getting irritated at the time with Esteban because it seemed as though he was putting his friends first - always. If I wanted to go to a movie, his friend and his friends wife would be called and invited as well. No one-on-one time with Esteban and myself. And this was taking a toll on the relationship. So, I went seeking ... mainly for a friend ... someone I could talk to. Sure, I was attracted to him ... but, he was someone I could talk to. In my opinion no harm done.
Esteban found the post I posted while trying to figure out why I was acting strange. Snooping around and didn't ask ME. So, we talked ... and I told him I needed to move out and find out who I am so I can be an equal in the relationship. Everything was fine, it was ME taking control of what I needed to do and Esteban agreed - I was to move out for a while and figure things out. And, we would still be engaged. No family involved. However, it didn't stay family free. After talking to Esteban, on a Thursday, I went to see the parents for my mothers birthday on a Saturday. I had told my parents about the conversation I had with Esteban and they took it upon themselves (and me letting them) to move me out -- unannounced to Esteban that Sunday. Obviously, things got bitter. Quickly. That was August 14th 2007.
Since then ... things have gotten worse. I have become a nag, almost stalker-ish (IMO). And because of this and my freak outs when I would see him ... Esteban took back his ring on November 18th ... he said he needs his space and, "It wasn't an easy decision to make because I do love you." I've messed my life up. I had the perfect relationship (when the parents weren't involved)... and I am losing him because of it. AL:KSJF: js;djf <--- me losing it.
I don't know what to do ... it has been so long already and I still cry at night like it was just yesterday that we 'broke up'. He doesn't even say I love you anymore in his emails ... it is always just "Take care, Love xxxx". I cant take it anymore! I literally want to scratch my face off right now. I wanted to have lunch with him today (which we do maybe once a month ... so, I called him ... no answer. I know he is there because he works for the government ... and we all know their holiday schedule.
I've gotten to the point that I don't even want to talk to him ever again ... but, I do. I hurt so much.
How do I get him back? And, am I pushing him away with the BS Im doing?
TS
