Am I having a relapse? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Am I having a relapse? Help!
5
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:19pm
OK so it has been 84 days of NC with the ex. I made it through the holidays, I made it through V-day and all of a sudden over the last few days I feel like I am right back where I started. I can't stop thinking of him. I don't know what he is doing, if he is dating or whatever but again, I am wondering why he isn't calling me. Has this happened to anyone else almost 3 months into NC??? I thought this was getting easier but now I feel like I have taken a turn in the other direction. I have dated a few different people and have been out having fun so why am I feeling this way?? I am worried this will NEVER end.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 8:49pm

That's completely normal--or at least that has happened to me so I'm assuming it's normal ;-). You just need to power through it--this feeling won't last forever. It's almost like your psyche has to go through a couple of "NOOOOO, I don't want to let go" moments before it can completely let go. So just hang in there, keep doing what you're doing, and it will pass.

And I don't know how long you were dating, but unless it was a very short relationship, 3 months is a good ways into the process, obviously, but recovering from a breakup takes TIME...more than 3 months, that's for sure.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 11:22pm
HI broken3times, I agree, I think what you are feeling is normal also. Nothing wrong with sitting down and writing an UNSENT letter, then burn it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:06am

This is something my grandmother always says :

WHEN IN DOUBT, WORK!

i'm on 3 months NC, completed it last week and the only conclusion i've come to is - the ONLY acceptable alternative to thinking about him is NOT thinking of him. it just doesn't work otherwise. takes a lot of mind control, mental power and sometimes i'm just exhausted. if at all my mind insists on thinking about him, i think about the bad bits which were plenty so that's taken care of.

but yes, around a week ago, suddenly again i started feeling like its MY fault, i'm to blame. and that's dangerous. i find the more i think about him, the deeper i sink, the more out of control my thoughts get. so yes, just stop thinking about him.

the thought stopping technique mentioned on this board has helped me a lot. i also meditate every morning on an "empty room" like my mind is caged in it and i can't think of anything else. can't escape. that helps me control my mind more.

hope this helps you. do post on how you are doing now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 10:12am

Don't feel bad about this because I am going through the extact same thing. I hit 90 days of no contact this past Saturday, and the past week I've been very sad, I'm still so hurt and angry by all of this. And I am doing everything I can to get over this: getting back with friends, working out like a mad woman, being social, working hard etc. You just have to work through it and think of how far you've come and keep the faith even when you are having so many doubts.

I've decided everytime I think of him I am going to think of that scene toward the end of Swingers when Jon Favreau is on the phone with Heather Grahm after blowing off the ex-girlfriend he was obsessing over during the entire movie. Just the look of peace on his face says it all and that is where I want to be.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 8:17pm

Hey, ladies! I am at one year out and still having a lot of trouble with anger and sadness and second-guessing. And I have moved on with a new relationship, lots of work, and frequent times out with my girlfriends. I continue in counseling every two weeks.

I have had big lapses in NC, though, all of them angry exchanges, and I know this has not helped. I just get the feeling that after six years with what I thought was my soulmate, and his ongoing desperate desire to have me back, that it is going to take literally years for me to feel comfortable. I try not to think about him, but there are triggers everywhere in this city of things we did and places we went, and fifteen trips in this country and abroad. It's really, really hard. Meeting someone new has not diminished my feelings as much as I had hoped, but now it is mostly just hatred for my Ex.

I am working on time, I will continue to work on NC, and accepting that he is not the right one for me. But right now, I still deep down think that he is.