am i insecure and crazy or just deprived

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
am i insecure and crazy or just deprived
8
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:56am
hi everyone,
i seem to keep coming back to this board every few months with the same issue. its like im happy for a little while then i just get so down again. for those who dont remember me, i am basically deeply head over heels in love with a commitment phobe. i have been with this guy now for almost 3 years. we have had many ups and downs-i wanted the FULL commitment. i wanted him to love me enough to want to marry me. i know this is wrong but i feel like that is the only way i will gain security with this relationship at this point and soon im going to be 30 and i dont want to waste time.
about a year ago he broke up with me-we were arguing really bad and i found out that he had been talking to his ex here and there-he lied to me about her and that has since made it very hard to trust him(thankfully she is in another state). when we broke up he saw her and then shortly after begged me back and said "your the one" he apparently needed to see where he stood with her before going on with me, now almost a year later but still no ring. and believe me ive harped about it-broken up with him-gave him ultimatums and every time he begs for me to get back with him. its like that is the only time he truly shows how much he needs me in his life-is when i just cant take it and walk away. i made a pact with myself not to pressure him-and he keeps making it sound like the ring is right around the corner. this whole thing just consumes me-i know its wrong- and i know my insecurity is my problem that he just sort of enhanced with all this. the worst part is-i obsess about his ex(to myself not him) i recently found a ton of pictures of them from the past that are stored in his closet-i see them together smiling, doing fun things and trips ect. and she's so accomplished and pretty-and i just feel awful and so insecure. i dont know if its him failing to make me feel great about us or if its me. i just feel like i want so much more from him, but maybe im just clingy and unrealistic-i dunno, im just very down about things and those pictures hurt. i hate that i snooped in that stuff and i feel like i want to find more or like i want to catch him doing something wrong so i can just end my agony. am i going crazy? can anyone relate? thank you for your responses. this board always helps me thru:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:44am

Let me be completely brutally honest here.

There is no such thing as committmentphobia. In normal, psychologically sound, mentally healthy males, it doesn't exist. It's an excuse we women have made up for why the men we chase after are unresponsive. It's far easier to blame him and create some problem within him ("it's not me, it's him, he's afraid to committ") than it is to just admit to ourselves that he's just not that into me and move on. I guarantee you, if you break up with your BF, some day he WILL be married. It just won't be to you. So why are you wasting your time? Why are you hoping and wishing to to lucky enough to be chosen for the roll of his wife instead of wondering and questioning if HE is worthy of being chosen for a husband? Re-read your post. You ARE deprived, and admittedly insecure. As for crazy....well, insanity by definition is doing the same thing over and over again and honestly expecting a different outcome each time. But more than anything, you are not being true to yourself. You are denying your own needs in a feeble hope that someday he will give you what you want. You deserve more than that. You deserve a man who knows he wants to be with you WHILE he's with you. You deserve a man who doesn't leave you feeling insecure, crazy, and deprived. You deserve a man who is eager and excited to marry you, not one that you have to trick or convince or manipulate or guilt into it. YOU DESERVE MORE, YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:32pm

I agree that it's very overdiagnosed, but there definitely *ARE* not normal, not emotionally healthy people out there who do have commitment issues. The best way to distinguish whether he just can't commit to YOU or can't commit to anyone is to look at other areas of his life: does he change jobs frequently? Does he live in an apt that looks like he just moved in? Does he keep friends in his life from long ago?

If there's little to no permanance in anything a person does, then it's much more likely that the person does have commitment issues that need to be addressed by therapy.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:33pm

You know my thoughts on this so I won't repeat them. I'm just wanted to give you a virtual hug for the pain you're going through.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:54pm

"not normal, not emotionally healthy people out there who do have commitment issues"

Uhm, that's pretty much what I said. "..In normal, psychologically sound, mentally healthy..." The whole committmentphobia comes in where it's not normal, the person isn't emotionally healthy, or isn't psychologically sound. People who run from every aspect of committment in their life, i.e. jobs, friends, residence, need to seek therapy, psychologically they are unsound. If there isn't fear of committment in every (or nearly) other aspect of his life, but only of committment to the woman in particular, then it's not a phobia, it's just refusal to commit to HER. If he committs to other aspects of his life, he doesn't have a phobia to committ, because he proves he CAN do it. Which is my point. Maybe I should have said committmentphobia soly towards intimate relationships. "There is no such thing as committmentphobia . In normal, psychologically sound, mentally healthy males, it doesn't exist."

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 3:33pm

Ok, I think we're basically in agreement...we just disagree on the semantics ;-).

The only other point I would make is that the more I date and the healthier I have become (emotionally), the more I realize how many emotionally UNhealthy people there are out there! I'm starting to think that emotionally healthy people are the exception, not the norm.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 5:28pm
I second that. And I think Sheri would agree, not only are the unhealthy folks all around, sometime's they're US. All too often a poster on this board will expose an attitude or expectation that shows he/she is emotionally unhealthy and totally oblivious to it (or we'll express some deeply-held belief or cherished assumption, and be greeted with confused looks). Unreasonable expectations, codependency, rushing to commit, equating sex with love, trying to "trap" a partner with pregnancy, expecting a bad apple to transform into a prince, that sort of thing, there's a lot of it out there (and in ourselves, too). Sometimes, we're all harboring unhealthy issues and aren't even aware of it until someone else points it out. We all live in our heads, where of course whatever we think/feel/believe seems perfectly normal and appropriate. Just see how hard it is to convince someone that their attitudes or expectations are unhealthy or unreasonable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:15pm

if you keep wanting more, maybe he's not the one. if he can't satisfy your emotional need for security now, then maybe, even if you get married, he never will. marriage won't solve that problem. just because you're married doesn't mean he can fulfill your need for security.

that was a HUGE factor in my relationship, and now i realize that he must not be the one for me, because no matter how much i told him i needed verbal support, etc. to gain security, it never happened. for the longest time, i thought he was the one, and now i don't think that so much.

i think you're doing what i've done, which is: falling in love with someone's potential. every man definitely has the potential to be what you want him to be, but some never live up to it. just because you're married doesn't mean he will either.

find someone who fulfills all your needs, and THEN marry him. if he's willing to fulfill your needs BEFORE you have a ring on your finger, then he is DEFINITELY going to continue to do so after.

i hope i helped at least a little. it's probably not what you want to hear, but i really don't want you to be hurting.

i hope you can get through this! we're here for you, please keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 9:42pm
Welcome back!! I think you need to overcome these trust issues you have about him before you ever consider marriage with him. Do you really want to be married to someone who you're always afraid will go behind your back to be with his ex or someone else? And what would happen if she moved to your town? Would you be able to handle it? Would you be able to trust him? Work on the trust and your insecurities and worry about the ring later... Good luck and keep us posted!!











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