Am I just fooling myself?
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Am I just fooling myself?
| Thu, 02-15-2007 - 9:54am |
I broke up with my bf of a year and a half on Monday evening. Mainly because his pattern of binge drinking has taken a huge toll on our relationship. When he isn't drinking we are fine and I love him very much for many reasons, however when he has been drinking excessivley you can imagine. I get mad, he gets mad. Usually we end up fighting and maybe even breaking up. The next day he's sorry and wants another chance. I told him that I'm sorry wasn't good enough anymore on Monday. I want him to see just how bad he's been hurting me over the past few months. When we started dating he did drink, but it wasn't a problem. He was in nursing school and was studying to take his boards last summer and was really working hard. Now that he's out of school and he's passed his boards he feels that he can drink whatever he wants. I know that he is genuinly sorry and that he wants to stop drinking that much, but I don't know what he wants to do about it. If he would go see a counselor I would gladly go with him. I know he has to make that decision on his own. I told him that this was a break and he'd have to prove to me that he can change his habits. He says that he's going to prove it to me. Should I believe him or should I just cut my losses? I know he's cut back before, but I also know it's really hard to change, especially if you don't want to.

Hello smekstate and welcome to the board.
You know the term "tough love," right?
I keep thinking though about all of the reasons I do love him. He's always been supportive of anything I want to do, he doesn't get jealous of other people in my life like my last bf did, he understands that I am close to my family as he is his own and he doesn't bug me when I'm hanging out with my family. He would spend time with me and my family, I would spend time with his, we make each other laugh, we could joke together about anything, when I had a complaint he would listen, when we fought (not about alcohol) if he was wrong he would admit it and apologize. He always wanted me to be able to come to him if I wasn't happy about something in our relationship. He never made me feel like things were all my fault. He's proud of my accomplishments and I'm proud of his, we're on the same page for most things, we want the same things out of life, we enjoy alot of the same activities (drinking being one of them, but I don't have a problem with it). We always have a good time together as long as he's sober. The alcohol is killing our relationship and I know I had to leave him so he would see that. I've talked to his twin alot over the last few weeks. His comment that really made me amke my decision was "He'll just keep doing it to you if you don't leave him". I know that his twin likes me and thinks I'm a good person for his brother, but he can't make his brother change either. I know that I can't count on him changing, but only being 3 days out of the break up it's hard to not be optomistic that he will.
The easiest way to ensure that he neither quits and you can't handle the distance is to be pessimistic, even the tiniest bit, about the outcome of this.
i was with my boyfriend for over four years. there would be times when we drank and we'd be okay... there would be times when we drank and we wouldn't be...like when he was flirting up a girl he worked with or when he was at a wedding of my friends and didn't want to dance with me but wanted to dance with every hot girl out there...or when he just simply acted like he did not care about me when we were out. these scenerios made me blow up...to the point of getting unexusably violent and making him leave in the morning with marks on his body. this was NOT , is NOT who i am. but when i got into counseling, i learned that the reason i did these things, and they were horrible things, was because when i drank, i had no inhibitions....i could do whatever i wanted, with no cost of consequence...and even though that totally hurt the relationship, he couldn't realize that i had these issues....he couldn't comprehend what it would take for a partnership to work through these issues...and YES, someone that did love me would say "honey, put down your fists and lets be happy"...many people disagree with me on that, but also many people know who i am and know that is what someone needs to do to be a partner with me. so maybe before you count him out, think about WHY he does the things he does when he drinks....and if you honestly love him, think about what it would take for you to stay. i'm not saying stay because it's comfortable or it's habituaul....but maybe you just aren't looking deep enough into the problem as to WHY he drinks...and if you guys can comer through that....you can come through pretty much anything.
My perspective, having been married to an alcoholic...
you cannot help him. If you think that you going with him to a counselor is a good idea... you're probably wrong. YOU cannot help him. He has to want to help himself, and then he has to actually do it. Unfortunately, those who live with heavy drinkers, binge drinkers, etc are often enabling and making excuses for the behavior of the other person... if you are doing this now, know that it might get worse.
This isn't to say that you cannot stay together - or that you should walk away... this is just to say that you need to stop trying to stay in control of his drinking habits because you can't change another person.
I loved my husband. I didn't want to leave him, and he loved me. However, I did leave because it was only at that point that I was able to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself honestly that I knew there was nothing I could do to help him.
My story ended well... yours can too regardless of what you choose to do.