Am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Am I overreacting?
7
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:19am
I used to post on some of these boards a few years ago when I was going through a break up and it really helped. I know I will get good advice from you guys...

My boyfriend and I have been dating just over a year. We both are very serious about each other and although we know it will be a few years off in the future, we have lightly spoken about getting married.

I was with a collegue tonight and she was telling me about a guy in our department who she heard had posted a profile on an internet dating site. She was interested so she went looking for it. When she searched for a male in our age category and in our town I was completely blown away when I noticed the second person listed was my boyfriend! There was no mistaking it. I didn't say anythign to her and went back to look at it later. It didn't have his name but I could tell from things he said it was him and it had to be current. He also said in his profile he is eager to recieve replies.

We have (or so I think) never had trust issues in the past nor have we had any serious problems. For a moment I thought about creating a profile for myself and trying to contact him but I knew it could only make things worse and make me feel worse. Also I don't think I would have kept up lying to him.

Even if this is just him being curious I would still be worried. What are reasons he would do this and what should I do about it? I know I am going to confront him but how should I react (I know it depends on how he reacts)?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: magmel
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:01pm
That must be devastating!! But before you go accusing him make sure you are 100% sure that it *IS* him!!! I agree that it isn't a good idea to make a profile just to catch him in the act....the whole idea seems so......highschool. Anyway, if it is in fact him then you have every right to be upset and I would definately confront him....even print it out b4 you bring it up so he can't deny it. Good luck and keep us posted...we're here if you need us!!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2004
In reply to: magmel
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:56pm
I am so angered at this. You are NOT overreacting. Who knows if he has met someone and is dating them already? Even so he is lying b/c I'm sure that he posted that he was single. If I were you I wouldn't wait any longer. I would approach him right away and find out what the deal is. Good luck!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
In reply to: magmel
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:17pm
You are absolutely not overreacting! He is deceiving you, lying to you, and already has or is planning on cheating on you!! First, get positive evidence that it's him...fight fire with fire. I would definitely write to him under a false name, send a false photo, etc. Tease him for a while, arrange for a "first date". Walk in with a killer outfit on, and smile while you place the copies of yours and his online "affair" in front of him. You can do this. Instead of being distraught, be thankful you caught him. Imagine all the wives and girlfriends who are deceived for years and never even realize they're living a lie. You both talked of marriage? Imagine being married or even having children with a man who skulks behind your back sleeping with other women. Been there, and there's no pain or agony to compare to it. Get out now and cut your losses before it gets worse. Also, read "He's scared, She's scared" asap (this was recommended by others on this board). It is great for explaining the cycles and patterns men and women repeat in relationships and why they do it. Good luck and nail that liar to the wall!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
In reply to: magmel
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:21pm
You are absolutely not overreacting! He is deceiving you, lying to you, and already has or is planning on cheating on you!! First, get positive evidence that it's him...fight fire with fire. I would definitely write to him under a false name, send a false photo, etc. Tease him for a while, arrange for a "first date". Walk in with a killer outfit on, and smile while you place the copies of yours and his online "affair" in front of him. You can do this. Instead of being distraught, be thankful you caught him. Imagine all the wives and girlfriends who are deceived for years and never even realize they're living a lie. You both talked of marriage? Imagine being married or even having children with a man who skulks behind your back sleeping with other women. Been there, and there's no pain or agony to compare to it. Get out now and cut your losses before it gets worse. Also, read "He's scared, She's scared" asap (this was recommended by others on this board). It is great for explaining the cycles and patterns men and women repeat in relationships and why they do it. Good luck and nail that liar to the wall!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: magmel
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 11:48am
I'm going to post the same thing I did on the other board you posted this on.

Well, you could confront him, or you could give him the bennifit of the doubt. I'll tell you what I'd do though. I'd tell my BF "So I'm talking to (fill in collegues name) and she was telling me about this dating website she was on called (fill in website name). She showed me this one guys profile and he sounds just like you. I told her that if this guy is anything as close to you as his profile makes him out to be that she should go for it. (actually wink ;) and playfully add) after all, look how wonderful you turned out. Then maybe we could go on a double date or something."

At least that way, if it IS him he knows you saw it. If it's NOT him, you haven't accused him. If it IS him, it gives the lying bastard a stab of guilt that just may either make him stop or make you see the truth and dump him. If it is NOT him, it lets him feel good knowing that you think he's great enough to recommend someone close to him personality wise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
In reply to: magmel
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:53pm
No I do not think you are overreacting at all. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. He recently moved to Orlando but I was still driving to see him EVERY weekend. I found his phone bill and he was calling women at all hours of the night, sometimes till 5am. I also find out that he also registered himself on match.com when I checked his email. When I confronted him, he said he was trying to make friends...yeah right not at 5am. Well, we have been broken up for 2 months now and my curiousity checked his email once again. Since we broke up, he has put himself on 4 more dating sites!!! He even registered for a dating service that you actually have to pay a professional fee for! It was like he was leading another life while we were together and now he is just searching for comfort in all the wrong places.

If you are serious about being with him in your future, you need to nip this problem in the the bud ASAP. It will go on and on, trust me. You should be angry and mad!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: magmel
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 8:29am
You've got to find out if it's him for sure and 2nd, find out if he posted the profile before you met. I was on a dating site and left my profile 'active' for a while even tho I wasn't available to date - he might have just forgotten about it. I did. Or maybe he left it there 'til he was more secure in your relationship, so he could fall back on it if you two didn't work out. Sometimes there are tabs on when the profiler checks into the site, where they say 'this person' visited this site 24 hours ago ... WAIT TILL YOU KNOW THE FACTS, even if they're not what you want to hear ... good luck ~ V