Am I selfish? So Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Am I selfish? So Confused
3
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 2:10pm
I'm 25, female and have been dating someone for a year and a half, long distance. We started out serious since he would be going away for school for the next two years and wanted to make sure that if we started something that he would not have to deal with breaking up when he was without his support system back home. The first year was great, the next few months after that were a little tense when he was back home for the summer, but since Christmas, things have just gone sour. I'm a quiet person, and while I wish I could change that, I can't have these long drawn out conversations every night, and all of a sudden this has become the most important thing for him to have. He doesn't take into consideration any of the other things I do for him and continuously comes back to the point that I'm not fulfilling his needs and he never gets anything he wants in this relationship. Now he doesn't want to talk about anything when we are together since, we don't touch or kiss, we just seem to be going through the motions. We argue all the time about small stuff and we only seem to get along when we don't talk ( his words ) It came to the point where he said that at times he could care less if I was in his life. I don't feel good, he doesn't feel good, it is time to let things go right?? That's what I thought, but he says he decided when we started dating that he was going to marry me, and if he has to be miserable than so be it and if I wasn't happy with that, then I would have to do the breaking up. I just don't understand this at all...
We have no kids, we aren't engaged, we are only 25 and have a long life to live with or without each other. Am I being selfish that I want someone who is passionately in love with me and me with them? Am I being selfish if I end this relationship? I feel awful at the thought of breaking up with him and hurting him, but frankly he said he wouldn't be heartbroken if we broke up, so why can't I make the move to just move on...????
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 2:51pm

Welcome to the board smurfingawaymyday -


I don't think you are selfish. However, I do think that there is a communication problem in your relationship.


::I'm a quiet person, and while I wish I could change that, I can't have these long drawn out conversations every night, and all of a sudden this has become the most important thing for him to have. He doesn't take into consideration any of the other things I do for him and continuously comes back to the point that I'm not fulfilling his needs and he never gets anything he wants in this relationship.


Definining ones needs and figuring out if you really have to have THAT need fulfilled by your partner or if other friends can do it, is not always easy for people to figure out.


I have some reading material to suggest:


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage, Shechtman


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:33am
Thanks for your advice :) Your guess about intellectual stimulation is right on the mark. Part of me feels that these things should come naturally and you shouldn't feel forced to come up with topics of discussion just to make things work, on the other hand that just sounds lazy. Thanks for suggesting the reading material, I will definitely look into it before making any decisions. He's a good guy, and I know that while we may not be in love anymore, we still have love and respect for each other, at least I do and I hope he does as well. I just wish we could make a mature decision together that would be the best for both of us and not feel like this is all on me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 10:57am

I saw a lot of what happened to me on your story. I was dating this really great guy, thought we could have a future together but wasn't sure yet.

When I came back from being home over christmas break things got bad. It seemed like he hated me. One night he lectured me about how I didn't laugh enough and how I was essentially boring. He kept repeating this same theme over and over again. He had started hanging out with some new people and I hadn't met them. They were all girls and I was a little suspicious of the situation and thought he wanted to date one of them. I just didn't know what to do. I was so miserable but I still loved him because every once and awhile I would see the man I fell in love with.

I am also a very quiet person and normally I could have talked to him about it but at this point in time I was just counting the few times he didn't get upset with me. I realized this wasn't the kind of relationship I wanted to be in and ended it. It really upset me to do it.

I was hoping that he would figure things out and we would get back together. We stayed close still hanging out and doing things together but no kissing, sex etc.

Things got better after we broke up. He seemed to be happy again and I was feeling really good about things. I am not someone who gets back together with someone without seriously thinking about it so it took me a little while to decide I wanted to get back together.

We had a trip planned where we were going to go camping in Florida and spend some time with my mom. We were supposed to leave tomorrow. Today is his birthday, I was going to start talking to him today about getting back together. I was really excited about this until 3 weeks ago.

Three weeks ago he came over to return a book and told me he was seeing someone. I was heart broken, I have cried uncontrollably, not eaten for a week, not slept and been generally depressed about it. He told me that she was leaving at the end of April and they had no intentions of making it long distance. I guess he thought that would make me feel better but it just made me feel worse since he gave up on us for a temporary relationship.

He told me he was still in love with me and that he had thought we would at least talk about getting married one day.

I canceled the trip even though he still wanted to go.

Looking back I wish I had gotten over my fear of him getting angry with me and just told him how I felt. I was just in such a low place I couldn't.

Hopefully you haven't gotten to that point yet. Try to talk it out first and if that doesn't work then you may have to break it off.

Best of luck to you.