Am I Stupid or just in Love?
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| Fri, 07-06-2007 - 3:23pm |
ok, here goes. i'll try to make this short & sweet but i know me. i have tried to read other post & replies and am hearing some great stuff but still think my situation is "different" so need personalized advice...from people that don't know me!
plus i have to do this so i won't email him!
Background, I am 27, engaged once before, this is my second serious relationship. He is 25, only been with one other person when he was 18-21 yo.
My fiance...ex...and I have been together for a little over 2 1/2 years. when we were together for about 8 months we broke up. he lied to me about something stupid & got caught. i was mad he didn't know what to do so he ran. we got back together after about a week. i called & emailed he ignored but then decided he did love me & wanted to be with me. Over the past 2 years this has happened 2 more times. ususally the same thing...he lies about where he is & who he is with, ususally at the strip club with a friend i don't like (he cheats on his wife...i think with the strippers).
i don't like the strip scene but it is really about the money...he always freaks cause I get mad becasue we are struggling with bills OR he never spends money on me. sometimes he even foots the bill for everyone. the main part i hate is the lieing!!! everytime i forgive him but always bring it up later. he has never cheated on me & i trust him there...but it's still a trust issue.
we moved in together after 1 year & then bought a house in aug 06. in dec 06 he proposed.
everything was good...i thought. i took a new job in jan that requires almost 7 days a week,12 hour days. he is self employed & lately has not been working. this has caused a lot of problems...i am supporting us financially & he does nothing at home. he still wants to spend money all the time & i feel that he still lies about it.
we have decided not to get married in sept as planned but wait...we felt there were some things we needed to work on. i have thought if this was right or not at times. but i love him so much & would do anything to make it work. i thought he felt the same. but i have been wondering if he will ever grow up, not depend on his parents, get a better job, take care of me, show some responsibility...act like an adult!
a month ago he went out for a bachelor party...it was not a good night. i didn't care what he did as long as he was honest about it. well he blew a bunch of money, lied about that, had strippers in the hotel room & lied about that. says nothing happened with him but lied to protect his friends. he kept lieing & lieing & lieing...but i always find out the truth.
i couldn't get pass it i was so hurt he would lie again. this was not behavior from someone who wanted to make it work.
He ended up leaving & going to his moms for 2 weeks. i took a trip outta town to see a friend. we both wanted some space & time to think about our relationship, where it was going & if it was worth the effort to stay togehter. it was more him than me but i knew we needed it.
We talked almost everyday or txt while we were apart.
When I got back he was home...we had the best sex ever & then the deepest conversation ever. he told me that he really did miss ME...not just the thought of someone being there. he wasn't coming home for any of the other "wrong" reasons...but because he truely wanted to make it work, he did miss me & love me & didn't want to be with out me. I have never been happier! we set down & talked about a lot of things...how there was certain stuff about each of us that is never going to change...but there are other things that we can make better...for eachother.
For him, he needed to stop spending so much money, start making more & help me around the house. For me, I would try to not get so mad about stuff & not so upset & emotional, unlike him, over petty things and be more supportive of his job decisions.
Well...i thought that things were good the past month. i feel happier, we seem to be getting along great. we haven't spend a lot of time together but it has been good. we have had a few arguments but nothing major. keep in mind, we might bicker but we never have big blow outs.
last weekend we went to a wedding out of town...him friday for the rehearsal & i met him on saturday. we were late so i didn't see him unitl after the ceremony. i was dissapointed that i couldn't see him earlier, add some pms, only 2 hours of sleep the night before & an open bar...the night got a little crazy for me. on our way to the after reception party we got in a HUGE fight. i don't really remember all of it. i showed my jealous side (something i was supposed to be working on)& just really pissed him off. he told me it was over & went to the party without me. the next morning i really thought we would blow it off...this was like a random event. but he said he was serious about it.
we drove home & i cried the whole time...tried to convince him. but also told him that if he left this time he wasn't coming back. i meant it...at the time. he said he knew...that was the plan. said he loved me but he didn't think it was ever going to work...he was never going to change, never going to be the person i wanted him to be...thought i deserved someone better & that he didn't want to be with me.
he wants to be single...go out & do whatever he wants whenever he wants without having to tell anyone. he doesn't want to get married...doesn't want the responsibility of owning a home or worrying about money.
i am speechless...what the heck happened???
sunday is kind of a blur, not sure what i said...told him i was sorry about the fight, i did think this could work...i always gave him a second chance...why can't he do that? he said if it wasn't that fight it would have just been another...which i didn't get either becasue we don't fight that much!!
he went home packed some bags hugged me so tight, kissed me like he never has before, said he loved me so much and then left.
i have been a wreck ever since...i told myself i wouldn't...but i have called him & txt & emailed him...no reply. i know i am making it worse i just don't know what else to do. how can he act like this is so easy??? one miute i agree & say you know maybe this is what we will always do & we shouldn't be togehter...but then i think about it & i miss him so much I just want him to come home! how can he tell me that he wants to be with me & then one month later do this!!?? i am so confused.
but i didn't care about calling or whatever...cause i'm not trying to give him any time or space...he made his decision...it's over. i just miss talking to him. it has only been 5 days but knowing it is over for good makes it so much harder than the other times. i feel like i want to convince him that this can work...but then i ask myself why do i want to be with someone that i have to beg, to convince? i want to be with someone who wants that!!
he won't talk, he runs away, doesn't show emotions...this are the things he says will never change...that he wantes me to find someone to be those things. I just want him. My friends think I'm an idiot...that if we got back together he will just keep doing it. And I have thought of that...but it's all i want right now. to just see him & talk to him. i feel a little pyscho :) i can't not call him or txt him. i am so hurt that it is that easy for him. i wonder what he's doing, who he's with...and i'm sure he hasn't thought about me once.
he called last night to say that he is gonna come by tmrw to get some sfuff. i told him i wanted to be there..that i wanted to talk to him. even though he doesn't sound like he has changed his mind he said ok. now i wonder if that is a good idea? i finally decided to not call or txt anymore...but that is only one day. i wished i could have shown him i was stronger...that i didn't need him...like he is doing me. it's just a hard habit to break. he's letting his mon take care of him as usual, going out, having fun & i am the one going to our house, sleeping in our bed, feeding our dogs...while he just works on trying to forget me.
i don't know if we could ever work it out...it would take a lot from him & obviously he doesn't want to do it...i'm not worth it anymore. i feel like i never was. i just want to know what changed!! was it someone else, did something happen, did he do something he thinks i will get mad about...this is what he does...he runs when he's scared. i am just so confused. i thought everythign was great. i'm sad and lonely and scared and i don't want to be alone. all i want is him.
i know i should just let it go & see what happens. but i mean this time he is moving all of his stuff out...he wants it to totally be over with...i just can't believe that. i don't know what to do. i want him to do what he wants, be 25, figure out that he has to grow up sometime & be an adult unless he wants his mommy to take care of him forever.
I just can't stand the thought of being away from eachother anymore....maybe after some more time i will. but it hurts to think that far ahead. i can't imagine a break up...him seeing other people or whatever while i wait...but that's what i feel like i want to do....ahhhh i don't know!!
There are so many other details but i know this is forever long as it is.
My heart just hurts so bad & I can't eat or sleep or work...all i do is think about him.
I just wish i knew what he was thinking...wish i knew what changed his mind...wish he missed me just a little & wasn't ignoring me to try to get over me (his words)
Oh i did ask him why he didn't do this when he came home a month ago...he said he must have needed some more time & he thought it was what he wanted...but he came back for the wrong reasons.
He just doesn't want to "work" for anything...he thinks a relationship that's meant to be should be effortless.
I know I need to give him time to grow up. I do keep asking myself why i want to put so much effort into this if he doesn't. I just love him so much & can't imagine my life without him. I feel like I am dying inside...don't know why he doesn't feel the same way!?

Have you heard the saying "love makes you stupid"? It certainly sounds like it's caused you to make some poor choices and exercise poor judgment to stay with a man who lies to you and lacks any sense of personal responsibility. Plenty of 25 year olds know right from wrong and take responsibility for their actions--that's not the issue here, it's a character issue.
I think that rather than spending your valuable time waiting for him to grow up, you'd be better served by finding a counselor to figure out why you'd put up with this kind of behavior and make excuses for it.
I'm really not trying to be harsh, I know you're hurting and I'm sorry about that--but you're wasting your time hoping for him to change. Focus instead on accepting that THIS IS HOW HE IS, and moving on so you can find someone better.
Sheri
I'm so very sorry to hear about what you've been going through.
I don't know every exact detail of what went on between you and your ex-fiance, but, from what you indicated in your post, it sounds like you are better off without him. Mind you, this may be hard to hear from anyone (let alone a stranger on the internet) at this point-in-time, but it's the truth. Granted, things are a bit more complicated because you purchased a house (I'm presuming the title is in both names), but that's something that you'll have to work out as adults. Still, you were willing to promise the rest of your life to your ex-fiance, which seems quite romantic on its surface. However, married life is a lot of hard work. It requires communication, compromise, and sacrifice on many things, like fiscal responsibility and parenting style. However, from what you've written, your ex-fiance couldn't seem to get past the honesty part. You asked him to be honest with you, but, for some reason, he kept lying. When you asked him to show you fiscal restraint, he kept spending money. You asked him to stop seeing strippers, but he kept on seeing them. As you indicated in your post, this isn't the kind of behavior of someone who wanted to make the relationship work, let alone make a marriage work. This is the behavior of a guy who still needs to grow up and start acting like a man.
Please realize that none of your ex-fiance's actions means that you're unloveable, or not worth the time, effort, and hard work required of a long-lasting and loving relationship. This is simply not the case. What you, and everyone else, deserves is a loving partner who tells the truth, communicates clearly, compromises, makes sacrifices, and loves you like they could never love another person. Maybe pie in the sky, but this is what I believe. Just because your ex-fiance behaved the way he did should never be taken as an illustration of your unworthiness. In the scheme of things, you are worthy. You deserve to find the love that will treat you the way in which your ex-fiance could never treat you. Right now, though, you need to remain strong. You need to take some time and look ahead to a better future with someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. And, if you look back, you can look back with the realization that you did everything you could to make it work. That, in this instance, it was his issues and not yours.
I'd like to add one thing to the good advice you've already gotten. I read something once that has always stuck with me: Where there is no honesty, there is no relationship.
That he lied during your relationship is not a mere detail; it is a fundamental flaw! You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't tell the truth, whether it be all the time or once in a while.
I know this is a hard thing to go through, but you deserve better.
Sorry to hear you are hurting. Too much lies and deception for you. Don't you think you deserve better for yourself? Why are you settling for someone so unworthy? From your post, he has no redeeming qualities and is definitely NOT husband material. I personally think you should cut your losses and move on. The house is an issue, but it can be sold or one can buy out the other - it happens all the time.
Good luck with everything and, again, sorry for the pain. I hope you move on and find yourself a really nice guy that would never lie as often as he has. Also, strippers seem to occupy too much of his time. Perhaps he has a problem????
Honey, your story is no different from anyone else's in this board. You feel it's different because it happens to you and you feel it differently.
The man is a losser and a guy ho is not willing to committ yet, or ever, to you or any woman on earth. Yes, he may seem changed for a while, but the truth is that he is wishy washy. That's why hw ran 8 months into the relationship and he ran twice over the last 2 years. He is not mature and emotionally available as you want and it's not a matter of giving him more time OR waiting to see what happens. It's matter of character and personality. He does it because he can and he wants to. He has zero respect for you or the relationship. His standards in life say he can do that and that it's OK. Yes he may give you the best sex after the fact, but what are you going to do with a night of pl,easure compared to respect, honesty and responsability?
You ask if you're in love or a stupid person.... you're both. The red flags were there and you saw them, but you were in love so you ignored them and rather thought in giving him a second, third and fourth chances.
He doesn't want to "work" on things. He doesn't want to work and provide for you both. He wants to blow his money in strip clubs and with his buds. That's what he wants to do. He likes that fact that you work like a mule and that you pay all the bills. He likes it because he always has a woman to go home to, who will take him back any time as long as he promises stuff and gives her a "good night". He has his money for him and for him only. His life is for him and nobody else.
Close that chapter in your life and move on. Learn from this and never buy a house, a car or open a joint account with a man who is not your husband. Now you have to go through the hassel of selling every thing you have in common, that is if you decide to move on.