am i the stupidest girl ever?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
am i the stupidest girl ever?
4
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 12:29am

first ever posting to any kind of board.
i'm just hoping that someone out there might read this, maybe relate, maybe make me feel not as weak, or just offer any advice to help me move onward and upward.

I met a guy when I was fresh out of college, fell madly in love with EVEN though he was going thru a divorce and had two kids...something i swore i would never do. He's almost ten years older than me and he totally knew the game better than i did. after about two months of being exclusive and oh so in love that we BOTH just smiled all the time and said those silly things and sent goofy awestruck emails, i moved in with him. that was over four years ago. i stood by him thru his horrible, NASTY divorce, custody battle, and support battles...literally sat in the court house just for moral support when he came out of the room. i stood by him through medical issues, he has major anxiety and led to a heart condition...yadda yadda yadda. In August of 05, towards the end, he totally starts distancing himself. starts saying stuff like "sometimes no matter how much you love someone it's not enough". I was devastated, i cried and cried while he sat in front of his computer and didn't say a word. Cold is not even the word. so one night my sister called when i was hysterical and i moved out. that lasted til right before xmas. during that time there were four nites where he was totally unreachable, and lame excuses to follow it up. i knew i needed to cut all ties but i couldn't. i seriously felt like a piece of me was missing. we still slept together, he told me loved me and he just needed to get himself straightened out before he could be good for me...blah blah blah...then right around xmas he begs me to move back in with him...and i do it...things are fine at first...then the distancing starts...he goes out one night in april, i go a little psycho (totally ashamed of myself) down a bottle of wine and then think it's a great idea to go find him but get into an accident before i get there (yes, i am a horrible person for putting someone else at risk like that...i know this) anyway, i was in the hosp and no one could locate him. the next morning he said he knew that i was drinking and wanting to fight and he didn't want to deal with it...he gave some lame excuse as to what he thought when he got home and i wasnt' there....whatever, i moved out. i didn't want to....
my brothers best friend worked where he did and he is also my sisters boss...my brothers friend tells me that XBF was seeing someone at work the first time we broke up in 05 that everyone in the office knew about it and when brothers friend confronted him on it, he denies it but a week later said friend is fired. my sister told me that something inappropriate appeared to be going on even though she never saw anything...i confront him on it and he denied it denied it denied. this is in may of 06. in august we decide to make a go of it again...yes, i know i'm crazy! so we started talking and communicating and we decided that he needed to get his debt and credit cleaned up so good girlfriend that I am open a credit card and transfer all the balances so we have no interest, over 2k. over the holidays, things just weren't meshing, i'm still not living with him but we did go out to CA to visit his family and i made a COMPLETE *ss outta myself and the day we flew home i just knew that we were heading no where so we broke up.
we still talk EVERYDAY...he still tells me that he loves me and hopes that one day we are back together, and in this time even another one of HIS FRIENDS told me that my guy admitted to friend about sleeping with girl at work. he again denied and told me he doesn't want to talk to me if i constantly bring that up...right now we are not bf or gf, which i am okay with but i just can't seem to cut the ties...i can't seem to do the whole no contact thing and i answer when he calls. he knows that i want this relationship to work as long as he's willing to make some major changes but i haven't seen that at all...so he owes me all this money, and there is no commitment.
didn't mean to make this so long but i guess what i just want to know is if there are any other girls out there that have seen all the signs and still continued to waste their time with someone? i don't want to seem harsh but the only thing i can think of to describe myself is STUPID STUPID STUPID....so if i know this, why is it so darn hard to let go and not answer him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 4:55pm

Hi nuthinbutachick,


You are not stupid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 6:41pm
Hey CL-
Thanks for the response. I know that my wants vs the plain truth will be evident very soon. It really hit home when you said that I was his back up plan...it was like OOWIEE, ouch bad. How could I just be someone's back up plan after being with him for four years? But you are right, I obviously am. And I'm better than that...I just have to live believing that every day...denial is a wonderful thing until the glass shatters. Do you ever get over the pain, tho?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 7:23pm

::Do you ever get over the pain, tho?


You do and you will. It may take some time, but it happens. We learn valuable lessons and then we make sure it never happens to us again and we are stronger and smarter.


You can do this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 7:37pm

Hello,

I am fairly new to this site and haven't replied before, but have posted a few of my own sagas recently.

My fiance broke off our eight year relationship six weeks ago and basically left me high and dry. I can relate to your story because he was very newly out of a marriage with no children, but we fell absolutely in love (or so I thought), I look back now and I was just the soft landing for the pain he was feeling because of his marriage breakup and like your support I was there through everything. We had a very rocky relationship, similiar to yours for five years, living together, moving out, living together moving out, plus a few women in between etc. At that point in time I was just not able to get over him, I would not let him go and we kept getting back together, in all honesty it was a bandaid solution to the pain.

Finally three years ago he decided he would commit to me and he proposed and I accepted happily. I felt like I finally had him, hooray, all that effort and trampling on paid off. "WRONG".

I thought if I could just get him to love me, everything would be alright. If I could just get him to commit to me everything would be alright. The problem you see is not accepting really who they are, because we don't want to see. We hang onto the fairytale of the man we would like them to become and that just leads to eventual disappointment and wasted time (in my case 8 years) and sometimes it is a bitter pill to swallow because we were there for them through the hard times in the beginning and believe that they owe us for that, but they don't, they will do what they want to do regardless of that.

I believe you are not ready to let go until you are really ready, in my case I had no option, he left me high and dry and although very painful, I really believe he did me a favour because now I can focus on myself,get back my self-esteem, learn by this experience and hopefully meet someone in future who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, minus the drama.

If you don't want to waste anymore time my advice is to try and get over him, if he is not making the changes now that you hoped he would, I believe he never will.

Good luck!!