Am I wearing the black hat???
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Am I wearing the black hat???
| Sun, 12-19-2004 - 7:54am |
I'm responding to a post from Milton and realized that I can't say I didn't deserve the break-up ... and maybe pushed for it 'cause I knew it wasn't right. First of all I put my X in prison 10 years ago (he doesn't know I turned him in) 'cause he beat me up - then I divorced him for someone else while he was doing the time (who in fact totally replaced him in LOOKS AND EVERYTHING) - then after 8 years N/C and reuniting I threw his past in his face when he was deployed overseas and made him mad ... see a pattern yet?? I may as well have been the one to disappear. It's tough to find some kind of comfort when he's made me feel like the bad guy - so now I feel like the ice queen. Please don't defend my X -- 'cause I'm here for help and I went thru a lot with him and 'cause of him. I'm pretty sure he abused his kids (he went to court on it) and I KNOW he abused me ~ V

Val,
You did not put your X in prison. His actions, and laws they broke, put him there. No matter the situation, it is wrong to physically or emotionally harm anyone. Do not take the blame for his decisions. Make him responsible for what he did.
As to throwing the past in his face; that may have been insensitive. However, I am more concerned about the fact that you have carried around those negative feelings (and maybe you still do?) for 8 years. I would focus on finding out the cause and worry less about the subsequent action.
It may also do you some good to try to figure out why you married the same kind of character twice. There is something you found in those two men that you were drawn to, even if they were unhealthy.
Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I think if you work on the things above you can let go of those negative feelings you have about yourself.
Mimiche
I see what you're saying, sweetie, but it's not a question of "innocence" or "guilt." Things happen, relationships end. But we're not talking about "relationships." We're talking about yours. And I can't tell you how often I say this, but I'll say it again - you did NOT "provoke" him into hitting you, or yelling at you, or insulting you, or ABUSING you.
I was having a Monday of epic proportions this week, and discovered my new dog had gotten into the hall closet I thought was closed and had eaten four pairs of my shoes. I was very late to work, looking all over for something I could wear. Now it appears I'm getting myself shoes for Christmas. I was upset. I was not provoked into beating my dog, though. You can bet I shouted "no, no, bad dog," and that he understood I was very unhappy with him. With a couple hundred dollars' worth of ruined shoes, was I "justified" in beating the dog because he "provoked" me? No.
Did you provoke your boyfriend into beating you? NO. NO, NO, NO. No one is justified, or provoked, or excused for beating another human being. No one is EVER justified, or provoked, or excused for hitting someone they claim to love. Violence is not normal in an intimate relationship. It's not normal even if he "gets carried away." It's not normal "in the heat of the moment." It's not normal even if you were yelling, too. It is never okay to strike a person you love. Violence, and vicious raging arguments, are not part of a normal, healthy relationship.
What is a normal response to someone who yells at you, insults you, tries to start a fight? Well, shouting isn't a great response, but it's better than hitting, right? Or, how about walking away? If you were so awful that he just had to beat you, then he could have left, right? Now, I suppose it's possible that you've got a rage problem yourself, but when confronted by a raging maniac, reasonable people with an appropriate set of boundaries WALK AWAY. If it truly were all your fault (and I'm certain that it wasn't), then he could and should have said "no way, I'm out of here." Even you on a serious PMS-induced rant, up and screaming in his face, is NOT justification to hit you. The only appropriate responses are to walk away and/or to say "I don't deserve that," "you're making me angry, please calm down," or something like that. I have never been struck in anger by a man. I will never stay in any relationship with anyone who tried. I'm a lawyer, and an opinionated pain in the ass, and sometimes I want to fight about an issue, and I will stay on that topic until I'm satisfied, and until the person I'm arguing with is totally infuriated. They have no right to hit me. None, never, period. I've argued plenty, and raising hand or fist is not a normal or necessary part of dispute resolution between intimate partners.
You did not "provoke" him. It was not your fault. This breakup is not your fault. You should not be devoting this effort and thought into how to get him back or why he might have left. You should be running as fast as you can away from him. You are exhibiting classic signs of the victim of domestic abuse (like I said, I volunteer with violence victims, I KNOW the signs). You are self-blaming, you are making excuses for him, during your relationship he said or did things that encited you to a rage and then blamed you for his violent reactions. I've seen it so many times, and despite the years apart, you're still exhibiting the classic mindset of an abused woman. You should talk to a counsellor about this. Where he's gone is not your problem, now. You need to make yourself healthy and rid yourself of any lingering thoughts that abuse is normal, or deserved, or appropriate, and only then will you find a partner who will treat you well and deserve you.
Google for information on domestic violence and emotional and verbal abuse, and I guarantee you'll read enough to recognize yourself in what you're reading. Stop blaming yourself for being the "bad guy" who screwed up the relationship - you're thinking this way only because you think it was okay for him to hit you. And "losing" this relationship is the best thing that could happen to you. I stick by my original post - abusers are not easily rehabilitated. Whether rehabilitation is possible is a question like how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. Mental health workers and prisons can debate about whether abusers can change. You only have one life, and do not have the luxury of taking that gamble. He proved he was a terrible human being by beating you. That's all you need to know.
Edited 12/21/2004 8:06 pm ET ET by milton333