Am I wearing the black hat???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Am I wearing the black hat???
6
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 7:54am
I'm responding to a post from Milton and realized that I can't say I didn't deserve the break-up ... and maybe pushed for it 'cause I knew it wasn't right. First of all I put my X in prison 10 years ago (he doesn't know I turned him in) 'cause he beat me up - then I divorced him for someone else while he was doing the time (who in fact totally replaced him in LOOKS AND EVERYTHING) - then after 8 years N/C and reuniting I threw his past in his face when he was deployed overseas and made him mad ... see a pattern yet?? I may as well have been the one to disappear. It's tough to find some kind of comfort when he's made me feel like the bad guy - so now I feel like the ice queen. Please don't defend my X -- 'cause I'm here for help and I went thru a lot with him and 'cause of him. I'm pretty sure he abused his kids (he went to court on it) and I KNOW he abused me ~ V
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 11:05am

Val,

You did not put your X in prison. His actions, and laws they broke, put him there. No matter the situation, it is wrong to physically or emotionally harm anyone. Do not take the blame for his decisions. Make him responsible for what he did.

As to throwing the past in his face; that may have been insensitive. However, I am more concerned about the fact that you have carried around those negative feelings (and maybe you still do?) for 8 years. I would focus on finding out the cause and worry less about the subsequent action.

It may also do you some good to try to figure out why you married the same kind of character twice. There is something you found in those two men that you were drawn to, even if they were unhealthy.

Eleanor Roosevelt is quoted as saying, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I think if you work on the things above you can let go of those negative feelings you have about yourself.

Mimiche

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 1:21pm
Ok, sweetie, you know I never said you "deserved" the breakup or were at fault. What I said is what the prior poster said - what on earth are you thinking to take back a guy who beat you? You've been pondering this dilemma of whether you should tell him you "sent" him to prison, and then whether he could have discovered that you had gone to the police and that's why you haven't heard from him. My prior message was clear - you're focusing on the wrong problem here. The question is what is it about you that would make you think it's a good idea to take back a man with a demonstrated history of abusing you, who has now shown the lack of respect and consideration to disappear without a trace in the midst of your reunited relationship. You need to close the door on a relationship with this guy. Then you need to figure out, maybe with a counselor, what combination of your ingrained assumptions about relationships, self-confidence issues, maybe prior abuse, whatever, that makes you think a physically abusive man is your "one." You're not a "bad guy" here, and no one on this board has said that. But you're confused, and wasting your precious life obsessing about a guy who beat you. I am a lawyer, and I do volunteer legal work for victims of domestic violence. Abuse is your absolute bottom line. It is a violation of your human rights. A man who raises a hand to you does not understand the concept of love. That man is probably incapable of rehabilitation. Your prior posts show no evidence he ever underwent psychiatric counseling. He ought to be in a life-long counseling program to prevent future abuse. Even if he did all that, he's not your guy. You got him out of your life once. Be glad it appears he's gone again. Abusive men are a waste of humanity. Do not sacrifice another minute of your precious life thinking about this guy. If you need professional help to see this, please get it. The breakup is not a "punishment" you "deserved" - it's probably the best thing ever to happen to you. Please rethink your perceptions until you can see that, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 7:46am
Hi Milton, in referring to your post I read in your message that you were the 'innocent' one and I thot your letter was GOOD - and it made me realize all the anti-relationship things I've done with my X and I couldn't claim that innocence - and my X would like me to be the bad guy of course. There are so many details about the reunion that caused me to try a 2nd time around - he was in the military for one and I couldn't see him much anyway. So my life stayed the same except for the e-mailing and calls we'd exchange. We were actually planning a future relationship for when he got back to the States and then he disappeared - so it was on hold till then as long-distance relationships go. He had a lot of psychiatric counseling in prison and I provoked him when he beat me. I REALLY PROVOKED HIM and should've shut my mouth, and then he'd loose his temper at me. I don't excuse the abuse but really pushed his buttons - he's not a wife beater. I'm probably the only one he ever got physical with past and future. So I do have guilt for this and we discussed it after 8 years N/C - but I try not to look back in the past unless it's good. I just feel like he KNOWS I turned him in and is trying to get back at me in his mental-game way - trying to push my buttons this time. Back when all this was happening I couldn't watch soap operas 'cause my life was too messed up lol :) Val
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 8:00pm

I see what you're saying, sweetie, but it's not a question of "innocence" or "guilt." Things happen, relationships end. But we're not talking about "relationships." We're talking about yours. And I can't tell you how often I say this, but I'll say it again - you did NOT "provoke" him into hitting you, or yelling at you, or insulting you, or ABUSING you.

I was having a Monday of epic proportions this week, and discovered my new dog had gotten into the hall closet I thought was closed and had eaten four pairs of my shoes. I was very late to work, looking all over for something I could wear. Now it appears I'm getting myself shoes for Christmas. I was upset. I was not provoked into beating my dog, though. You can bet I shouted "no, no, bad dog," and that he understood I was very unhappy with him. With a couple hundred dollars' worth of ruined shoes, was I "justified" in beating the dog because he "provoked" me? No.

Did you provoke your boyfriend into beating you? NO. NO, NO, NO. No one is justified, or provoked, or excused for beating another human being. No one is EVER justified, or provoked, or excused for hitting someone they claim to love. Violence is not normal in an intimate relationship. It's not normal even if he "gets carried away." It's not normal "in the heat of the moment." It's not normal even if you were yelling, too. It is never okay to strike a person you love. Violence, and vicious raging arguments, are not part of a normal, healthy relationship.

What is a normal response to someone who yells at you, insults you, tries to start a fight? Well, shouting isn't a great response, but it's better than hitting, right? Or, how about walking away? If you were so awful that he just had to beat you, then he could have left, right? Now, I suppose it's possible that you've got a rage problem yourself, but when confronted by a raging maniac, reasonable people with an appropriate set of boundaries WALK AWAY. If it truly were all your fault (and I'm certain that it wasn't), then he could and should have said "no way, I'm out of here." Even you on a serious PMS-induced rant, up and screaming in his face, is NOT justification to hit you. The only appropriate responses are to walk away and/or to say "I don't deserve that," "you're making me angry, please calm down," or something like that. I have never been struck in anger by a man. I will never stay in any relationship with anyone who tried. I'm a lawyer, and an opinionated pain in the ass, and sometimes I want to fight about an issue, and I will stay on that topic until I'm satisfied, and until the person I'm arguing with is totally infuriated. They have no right to hit me. None, never, period. I've argued plenty, and raising hand or fist is not a normal or necessary part of dispute resolution between intimate partners.

You did not "provoke" him. It was not your fault. This breakup is not your fault. You should not be devoting this effort and thought into how to get him back or why he might have left. You should be running as fast as you can away from him. You are exhibiting classic signs of the victim of domestic abuse (like I said, I volunteer with violence victims, I KNOW the signs). You are self-blaming, you are making excuses for him, during your relationship he said or did things that encited you to a rage and then blamed you for his violent reactions. I've seen it so many times, and despite the years apart, you're still exhibiting the classic mindset of an abused woman. You should talk to a counsellor about this. Where he's gone is not your problem, now. You need to make yourself healthy and rid yourself of any lingering thoughts that abuse is normal, or deserved, or appropriate, and only then will you find a partner who will treat you well and deserve you.

Google for information on domestic violence and emotional and verbal abuse, and I guarantee you'll read enough to recognize yourself in what you're reading. Stop blaming yourself for being the "bad guy" who screwed up the relationship - you're thinking this way only because you think it was okay for him to hit you. And "losing" this relationship is the best thing that could happen to you. I stick by my original post - abusers are not easily rehabilitated. Whether rehabilitation is possible is a question like how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. Mental health workers and prisons can debate about whether abusers can change. You only have one life, and do not have the luxury of taking that gamble. He proved he was a terrible human being by beating you. That's all you need to know.




Edited 12/21/2004 8:06 pm ET ET by milton333
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 8:10am
THANK YOU for the advice & pep talk ... I'll bet your good in court :) YES he caused my 'rage' by running from the law on a serious warrant - and you're totally right about it never being okay to hit someone. And NO I don't have a rage problem, I just didn't like aiding someone 'on the lamb'. I really appreciate your counsel and really feel better 'cause of it - you got thru loud & clear :) Val
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 11:15am
After 8 years you still consider yourself a victim. You're even defending your abuser, you ask not to offend him. You feel guilty for turning him in because of the abuse, but you don't realize that abuse is NOT acceptable by any means. Your thinking is the one of the abusee, he/she'll protect the abuser despite all facts. Have you entered therapy since the break up? It seems that you continue to carry all the baggage of those years of abuse and your patterns in thinking and behavior haven't changed.