...and now he is leaving...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
...and now he is leaving...
3
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 10:19am
My H and I are separating after 4 years of marriage and were together 5 yrs before marrying. This has been a long time coming and even though I know it is inevitable, it still hurts. I had asked him to leave about a yr ago for several reasons: he would come and go as he pleases - stay out until wee hrs of the morning, not accept any phone calls from me, completely stopped helping to pay bills. When I would confront him (which was pretty often) he would just get up and leave. I was already living a singles life and so didn’t see the point of him even being here. Then it all changed and he promised he would change. H would come home every evening after work, called numerous time a day and even to tell me that he was running late. As you can probably guess, here I am again in the same boat. This time the huge falling out was over $. And how he takes his paycheck and spends every last dime w/out even offering to help out. We are not roommates, not girlfriend/boyfriend, we are married! And he has not one concern about what is going on with expenses in OUR life. Completely oblivious to responsibility. H has numerous credit accounts that are severely past due and he apparently has no intention of paying them either. I had suggested MANY times that we should speak to a counselor and was turned down. So, H is leaving this weekend. My feelings are all over the place - kinda like this post. One minute I am furious and the next minute I just breakdown crying. I feel used and alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 11:21am
ah dang... I feel your pain, I really do... my soon to be ex is moving out tomorrow... this is the second time he walked out on our marriage as well... very similar although he is more responsible with money, just not responsible to the relationship. My STB-X did the same things, he works nights and gets off at midnight but then would stay out til 2/3/4 in the morning and then would justify not calling by saying that he knew I was asleep anyway so didn't want to wake me up. What a load of crap. He finally admitted in our second round of counseling (the first split was 3 yrs ago and he came back saying he would never do that again... same as your STB-X) that he wanted LESS responsibility... the absolute antithesis to what marriage is all about. I am so sorry you are going thru this too... I'm here and understand... my relationship was 9 yrs as well... 3 dating and 6 married (actually my anniversary is Sept 19... I am not looking forward to it!).

The emotions you are having are NORMAL... don't feel like you're not entitled to them... depression, pervasive sadness, anger, hopelessness, strength... all of these are normal cycles... but they get less with time and you start having more strong days than weak. My only suggestion to you is for you to set YOUR boundaries. Have NO expectations of him... he has proven from what you've said that he can't be counted on. So, what do you have to do to move forward? What steps must you take to get out of the financial hole he got you into? Maybe go get your own bank acct that he can't access to start. Find your own place where your rent is not dependent on him. Are any of those credit cards in your name? Are you in a 50/50 state? There is a board here that is a "divorce/ask the legal expert board"... maybe write down a list of things you need to know and start getting help. You do not have to do this alone... come here as often as you need to, as I was told last week when I joined... writing my thoughts out is certainly helping me work out some of that angst... it also helps to have other people to give me different perspectives and to keep mine straight!

Take care of you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 5:12pm
thanks much for your kind words and advice. i know that there are a lot of things, especially financially, that I need to work out. i made a post to the Ask The Divorce Lawyer section to gain some more insight. I will keep writing...it feels good to put some thoughts into words...it helps to see events a little more clearer. thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 4:42pm
Hi, jen777-

My marriage of eleven years ended for the EXACT same reasons as yours, two years ago. While it was my choice and I'd done most of the grieving during the two years prior to ending it, I do have some practical advice for you -- CLEAN UP THE MONEY STUFF. A few months ago, I got notice of a wage garnishment for an upaid credit card of my ex's. They were going to take 25% of my paycheck until the $5,000 was paid. YOU will be liable for any bills of his.... so make sure to protect yourself. I had to take a loan from my boyfriend (who asked for some "space" to think about things last week) and am now in debt to HIM because of my ex's mistakes.

Take care of you; best of luck.... you are doing the right thing. It is miserable to be living as a single person with a marriage license.