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| Wed, 02-02-2005 - 4:30pm |
I thank you for your imput, but I am not giving up my baby for adoption because you feel that I made a mistake. That will create more problems in the future. If my ex isnt willing to sacrifice his life for his child then thats his problem. I will not take the easy way out. I have tried telling him that it is in the interest of our child, not us. and he doesnt understand that. So, I am going to raise my child with dignity and give it the love that it deserves. I will love it more that life itself. It is the only thing keeping me alive at this point.

"I am not giving up my baby for adoption because you feel that I made a mistake. That will create more problems in the future."
No, keeping your baby will create more problems in the future. I don't think you should give up your baby because I say it was a mistake. I think you should give up your baby for adoption because raising it alone as a never married mother with no father in the childs life would be a mistake. A life altering, devistating to the child mistake.
I have not doubt that you will love your baby more than life itself. But it's not about YOU anymore. Love doesn't feed a baby. Love doesn't buy diapers. Love doesn't provide shelter. Love doesn't give it a daddy. Love doesn't offer stability and safety and a family. Love is not enough.
You are going to get into a situation you can't even begin to imagine. How are you going to afford life with a baby as a never married mother? It is hard, being a mother is a never ending job and to be perfectly blunt at times it sucks! And I have the blessing of a husband and father to help every step of the way. I didn't have to know the heartache of sticking my child in 9 hours of institutionalized day care so I could work two jobs to scrape by. I don't have to look into her teary eyes and explain to her why her daddy isn't around and doesn't spend time with her. You won't have that. But then, it's not about you, it's about your baby. And giving your baby up for adoption is NOT the "easy way out". It would be the hardest most difficult thing you'd ever do. But did you ever notice that the right thing to do is ALWAYS the hard thing to do?
I'm just being honest here. I am sorry but I'm not going to spare your feelings and tell you that it's all going to be okay and work out because doing so is at the expense of your child. Your child deserves more than what you can offer and not seeing and acknowledging that is pure selfishness on your part. You aren't thinking of your baby and it's future, the kind of life it'll have when you think of keeping it. You're thinking about you and how it'd be heartbreaking for you to give it up and how you want this baby to "keep you alive", and how you will be effected in all this. What kind of life do you want your baby to have?
I feel I have to jump in here...
I am one of those horrible never-been-married mothers that you speak of. His father took off AFTER I had him, at about 9 months old. I never had his support to begin with, so it was all me.
YES, it was hard work, YES it was at times gruelling, YES I had to know the heartache of sticking my child in 9 hours of institutionalized day care so I could work and then my FAMILY provided before and after school day care when he was school aged. Also, just because a family is comprised of a mother AND a father, living as a married couple, doesn't mean that the child will not be in daycare.
You also don't take into account the possibility that I (and the OP) may have been doing a little better than "scraping by" and that I, like the original poster may, had lots of emotional support from my friends and family. Not all single mothers are alone on the streets, practically destitute, living off the state and feeding their kid scraps. I am an educated, well-employed woman who is very involved with her child. I also have a great support system of friends and family and my dad has been a constant male influence in his life. He has never come to me in tears wanting to know where daddy is. We've had open, honest communication on that and every other subject since day one.
DS is now a high school sophomore in honors and college prep classes, is well liked by both teachers and peers, is athletically gifted, and is often complimented by parents on his good manners and pleasant, outgoing disposition. Is he perfect? Of course not. But I think I'm doing more than just "ok" with my parenting....Has it been easy for me? Absolutely not! But it's been the most incredible experience of my entire life and I wouldn't have changed it for anything. Is what I did right for everyone? No. I don't claim that it is. But a pregnant woman has MANY options, not just ONE option to be shoved down her throat.
I do agree with lots of your advice, but on this one issue, I believe there are many options and many outcomes possible with each choice that might be made.
It is true, there are children of never married mothers who turn out wonderfully, just as your son. By and large though that is the exception, not the rule. It can happen, it can work out, but to chose to be put in that situation is a mistake. You did not choose, you had the choice thrust apon you after the fact. It is not the optimal sought after situation, and it's early enough that she still can give her baby the optimal sought after situation in adoption. No, it's not the only option a pregnant woman has, but sadly it's an option that isn't considered enough in today's society.
"just because a family is comprised of a mother AND a father, living as a married couple, doesn't mean that the child will not be in daycare"
Yes but that is a choice that two parent family makes. As a never married mother, that choice isn't even given.
"I believe there are many options and many outcomes possible with each choice that might be made."
You are correct. There are many options and outcomes with each choice made. Research on the subject however shows when statistically speaking more often than not the outcome is not the one you experienced. With the options and outcomes as they are, why not choose the one that has a more likely possibility of turning out better for the child?
This thread needs to be stopped angelicafox. The OP is trying to get over a breakup and is obviously scared about her situation. And you want to tell her she'll be a lousy mother and her child will suffer because of her and her choices. Are you serious? Get off your soapbox and offer some support for a broken heart and encouragement as she goes through her pregnancy.
I'm a single mother because the jerk left, and we are doing just fine. To the OP, I'm sorry your heart is broke, there are other men out there to date and love when you are ready, and you'll get through this, one day at a time. Hugs to you sweetie
I'm with Angelicafox here - you need to at least consider the possibility of adoption. That's not to say that you'd be a terrible parent, or that you couldn't make it. But there are many loving homes out there desperate for a child to raise, and if you are facing a lifelong commitment to raising a child without a father, possibly at a young age (I'm not sure how old you are or whether you've reached any settled stage in your life with your own home, good career, etc.), you should ask yourself whether this is the best time in your life to start a family. I am a lawyer, I just bought my own home, and I have a great life. I grew up dirt poor in an abusive home, where both parents physically and emotionally abused me, and resented me for being born. I overcame a great deal to be where I am, but I can't tell you how much less damaged I'd be if I'd had an opportunity to grow up in a stable home where I was deeply wanted and loved. I also can't tell you where I'd be now if an unplanned pregnancy had "derailed" my life and my goals. I am now ready to be a mom, looking for a partner to marry and form a stable life with, and when I am in that position, that's when I know I'll be able to care for a child.
Many people find themselves in a bad situation, left by a husband or boyfriend who's fathered a child. Most make heroic sacrifices to be good mothers to their children. But adoption is also a compassionate, caring option that you should at least consider. You should ask yourself whether you're really ready, at your age and stage in life, to put another life first for the next two decades, ready to bear all the financial and emotional burden of child-raising alone, and ready to be a single mother, knowing that there are so many out there who would give anything for an opportunity to raise a child. It's not an insult to your maturity or ability to love a child, but you should consider whether it might be better for you and for the child to give her a life you cannot give her, and to wait for a better time, when you have a stable home and marriage, to start a family.